MOSCOW–prominent Russian opposition leader Boris Nemtsov was murderer earlier today in Moscow, only a few hundred yards from the Kremlin. Hours later, Russian President Vladimir Putin promised to identify the killers, “even if it means going through all my old emails to do so.”
“I promise to find the real killers, no matter what it takes,” Putin vowed. “I’ve already been through all my credit-card statements, and it isn’t on there, but now I’m going to go through all the pockets of all my pants.”
Nemtsov, a one-time rising star in Russian politics in the 1990s, was by far the most prominent dissident to be murdered so far this week.
The Russian police said they were “very close” to making an arrest, noting that the murder was probably committed by “someone who was in Moscow yesterday or today.” Combined with the observation that it was unlikely to have been committed by a young child or an invalid, the police reported that they were narrowing in on a few million suspects.
The Kremlin offered the suggestion that Nemtsov might have been killed for reasons unrelated to his role in opposition politics. “For example,” said Putin, “I understand he was way behind on his cable bill.”
I can’t hear you, because this gun keeps making loud shooting noises.
MIAMI—former Governor Jeb Bush (R-FL) today announced that he was launching a new Presidential exploratory committee which will help him decide whether to stay in the center, and lose in the Republican primary, or to move to the right, secure the nomination, and lose to Hillary Clinton in the general election.
“This is a very difficult decision,” said Bush. “While I plan to spend 2017 giving speeches and writing my memoirs after a crushing defeat, I have yet to decide when I would like to see the whole thing go down the crapper.”
Pundits have been watching Bush’s public statements carefully to determine whether he intends to alienate the lunatic fringe through common-sense positions on immigration and fiscal policy, or whether he intends to alienate the average American with weird homophobic and quasi-racist comments.
“For the last few months, we’ve all thought he was going to flame out Huntsman-style, based on his record,” said one well-known pundit. “But then he started sounding crazy and talking about how the Fed is going to take away our guns, and we figured he was making a play for New Hampshire. And then he told some folks that the CIA had put transmitters inside his molars, and we figured that was in there for the Ames straw poll.”
Bush has promised his network of supporters he would make a decision about the kind of disaster he is looking for by the middle of the summer.
NEW YORK–days after Rudy Giuliani told a group of Republicans that President Obama “doesn’t love America,” and then observed that the president had “grown up white,” the former New York mayor expressed his frustration that “it’s like no one supports racism any more.”
“Forty years ago, sure, we were mostly past the dogs and fire hoses, but you could still call someone ‘uppity’ without getting in trouble,” said Giuliani, speaking to a chapter of the Juan Peron Fan Club. “It’s like you can’t impugn the patriotism of the President of the United States without having your motives questioned.”
In a conciliatory moment, Giuliani, who at one point went more than four minutes without mentioning 9/11, also observed that “while President Obama hates America, and wants to surrender to the communists, he has a lot of good athletic skills, and can probably learn a trade or something.”
Gov. Scott Walker (R-WI), at whose fundraiser Giuliani made his original inflammatory comments, condemned the former mayor’s remarks. “Of course we’re all thinking that kind of stuff,” Walker said. “But we only say it out loud at closed-door fundraisers.”
Debaltseve—breaking a months-long stalemate in the war between the Ukrainian government and Russian-backed rebels, Vladimir Putin today captured the key Ukrainian town of Debaltseve, killing dozens of Ukrainian soldiers and pushing the bulk of the army several miles to the west.
“We were pinned down in street fighting, taking cover from enemy fire, when all of a sudden this shirtless guy gallops up on a horse,” said a rebel soldier named Yuri. “He charged straight at the enemy lines, disabled their riflemen with some amazing judo moves, then drove the rest of them back with throwing stars and a blowgun.”
The Russian government denied that there had been any involvement of the Russian government in Putin’s remarkable one-man assault. “While early reports suggest that indeed a man named Vladimir Vladimirovich broke the back of the CIA-backed spy army in Debaltseve, there is no reason to believe that he had any affiliation with the Russian government,” said a spokesman. “Although if he did, he would probably be a wise leader, full of strength and vision but also compassionate to the needs of the poor and the sick, loved by children, and trusted by animals.”
Shortly after reversing the tide of the Ukrainian civil war, Putin led a flock of migrating cranes to their winter breeding grounds, helped a local sawmill meet its quota by knocking over hundreds of trees with his bare hands, and then went scuba-diving in a nearby pond and found several ancient amphorae. He was unable to find an additional forty dollars per barrel of oil, however, as he had previously promised to do.
We had a hard time choosing between this classic photo and one of Putin shooting a whale with a crossbow.
LITTLE ROCK–citing “a disappointing pattern of poor judgment,” former Gov. Mike Huckabee (R–AR)’s presidential campaign today fired chief technology officer Clark Willson for making insufficiently racist and misogynistic comments on social media.
“Governor Huckabee expects all of his staff to stay on message with coded racist comments and disparaging remarks about women,” said a spokesman. “It’s disappointing that one employee failed to follow our precepts and use phrases like ‘those people’ and ‘our kind,’ or to praise ‘traditional women’ in speeches.”
After party activists discovered the inclusive, non-judgmental language on Willson’s blog, he attempted to go back and add derogatory statements about African-Americans, gays, and professional women, but it was not enough to save his job.
WASHINGTON–as controversy swirls around Brian Williams’ story of being on a helicopter forced down by enemy fire in 2003, the news anchor today issued a second apology, saying that he had made a mistake when he claimed to have lost both his legs to an improvised explosive device in Iraq in 2005.
“I now realize that when I told people that my Humvee drove over an IED and it took both my legs off, I was actually conflating two different stories,” said Williams. “The first was when I accelerated out of the Safeway parking lot in my Honda Civic and hit a speed bump, and the second was when I bought a pair of pants on eBay and they turned out to be a little tight.”
“You can understand how this happened,” said Williams.
The admission came two days after NBC launched an investigation of Williams’ on-air claim to have lost both his legs in the IED attack, citing “credible evidence” that it might not be true.
Williams, currently on leave from his anchor role, was at press time standing by his accounts of his other experiences in the Middle East, including spending two years as an ISIS prisoner, only slipping out at nights to come back and go to work.
WASHINGTON–as the 2016 election approaches, the Republican Party is making a push to increase its focus one of its traditional vote-winning issues, rape.
“The women’s vote is the key to the White House, and we all know that there’s nothing women like more than seeing a bunch of middle-aged men on television talking about the ways in which rape is bad overall, but sometimes not really so bad, you know?” said Reince Priebus, the GOP national chairman. “That’s why I’m excited that we’re getting back out there and talking about it once again.”
The first sign of the change came this week when West Virginia state delegate Brian Kurcaba explained how “the beautiful thing about rape” is when a baby was conceived as a result.
Priebus said that the party had lost confidence in its rape agenda after several Republican congressional candidates lost elections after discussing it. “I think we know now that was an overreaction,” he explained. “The key is just staying organized and on-message.”
According to Priebus, the party is now working to agree on a common set of terminology. “Part of the problem last time is that people just make up the terms as they go along. ‘Legitimate’ vs ‘Actual’ vs ‘Real’–we need to align on some simple words and messages to make sure people know what we stand for.”
Priebus was quick to underline that the Republican Party was sensitive to the concerns of women. “Let’s face it, we need to remember that rape is not always a good thing,” he said. “Sometimes women aren’t even asking for it with the way they’re dressed.”
Brian Kurcaba (R–WV) heads the Creepy Guys Who Spend a Lot of Time in Their Basements Caucus