Paul Ryan’s far-reaching anti-poverty plan calls for poor people to “get some more money somehow”

25 Jul

WASHINGTON—in a bold statement that will upend the politics of inequality in America, Rep. Paul Ryan (R—WI) today announced the new Republican approach to fighting poverty, in which he called on poor people “to somehow get some more money, so that they aren’t quite as poor.”

“Just imagine how much of a difference it would make,” said Ryan, speaking to reporters, “if all the poor people in this country did something that enabled them to get a lot more money—fifty, maybe one hundred thousand dollars—with more where that came from. We could eliminate poverty within a generation, without using a dollar of taxpayer money.”

Other Republicans quickly rallied to Ryan’s plan. “Paul’s bold idea shows us the way to reducing poverty without getting the government involved,” said Ted Cruz. “I’m going to go down to that homeless guy panhandling in front of the Dirksen Building and tell him he should go get some money. And then I’ll take whatever money he has in that cardboard box, because he won’t be needing it any more.”

The White House was left playing catchup, announcing only that they would “study the issue” to determine whether more money would be helpful to poor people. “We don’t want to rush out with a lofty statement we can’t back up,” said a spokesman. “We save that for our foreign-policy speeches.”

Vladimir Putin denies he has ever heard of any country called “Ukraine”

23 Jul

MOSCOW–as pressure on Russia mounted over the recent downing of a civilian airliner, killing 298 people, President Vladimir Putin denied that he had ever supplied arms to rebels in, or ever heard of “this so-called Ukraine.”

“Look, I guess there must be something on our Western borders, but I sure don’t know what it is, and I’ve never been there,” said Putin. “I’d be afraid of falling off the edge of the world, or being eaten by a sea monster.”

Putin, speaking from horseback to reporters, said that “there is no way Russia could have supplied anti-aircraft missiles to rebels in–what did you call it? Hurricane?–because we have no such weapons ourselves.”

Asked about the “Made in Russia” stenciled on the backs of missiles seen in news photographs, Putin explained that they were “typos.”

Asked further about a note found in a crate of missiles that read, “Hello from Oleg, deputy foreman at the Export Division of Anti-Aircraft Missile Factory Number Three in Smolensk, Russia!”, Putin explained that “the experts are really not sure whether Smolensk is a real place, either.”

Putin added that Russia could not afford to build missiles. “As you can see here today, the country is so poor that I am unable to afford a shirt, and need to keep warm by flexing,” he explained.

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Vladimir Putin speaking to reporters, immediately before beating an alligator to death with his bare hands

On trip to Iowa, Chris Christie amazed to learn state holds presidential caucuses

16 Jul

DES MOINES—Gov. Chris Christie (R-NJ), travelling through Iowa because of his longstanding interest in agriculture, was “amazed” to learn that the state holds the first presidential caucuses every election season.

“That’s incredible,” said Christie, speaking to a group of Republican activists in Ames. “I just wanted to come out here on vacation.”

Christie went on to explain that he was visiting the state “mostly to see how corn is made,” but that if it made sense, “well, shoot, I guess I could talk to some voters as well, maybe do a little media.”

Christie has consistently said that he is focused on his job as governor of New Jersey and has not given any thought to mounting a presidential bid in 2016.

“My priority continues to be my constituents,” said Christie. “That’s why I’m fighting for New Jersey’s top interests, farm subsidies and ethanol.”

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Chris Christie conducts a traffic study on a doughnut

Rick Perry criticizes “the parts of Ron Paul’s foreign policy I can remember”

13 Jul

AUSTIN—in a clear signal that he may run again for President, Gov. Rick Perry (R—TX) today published an Op-Ed blasting Ron Paul’s foreign policy.

“Look, I haven’t read the papers for a while,” said Perry. “But my recollection is that he had some pretty dumb stuff in there about Iraq, or maybe Afghanistan. And I can’t remember exactly what he said about Israel but I recall being irked by it.”

Perry said that “Ron Paul’s mistaken views on places like France and Europe will drag us back to the days of the McEnroe doctrine.” He added that “there was something I think he said once about Mexico, or maybe Canada—it was, like, ‘maybe we should tax them,’ or maybe something about the food—whatever it was, it was just flat wrong.” He also said Paul gave insufficient focus to the border with Australia.

Perry was relatively upfront about his motives in writing the editorial. “Look, I don’t want people to think of me as a policy lightweight,” he said in a subsequent interview. “I want people to think of me as the guy who doesn’t care if children die in my state from preventable diseases.”

20140713-150608.jpgGov. Rick Perry successfully answers a gotcha question about which one is the “index” finger

Florida sends “crack team” of experts to assist in Afghan election recount

7 Jul

KABUL–with tensions rising here because of a disputed vote count in the Afghan presidential election, both candidates today welcomed the arrival of a “crack team of experts” from the Florida Secretary of State’s office.

The team of twelve experts arrived in Kabul four days late, having accidentally booked tickets to Azerbaijan instead of Afghanistan. They then lost their traveller’s checks, locked themselves in their hotel room, and flushed their credentials down the toilet, before finally arriving here today in a very little car.

“We’re delighted to be here today to assist in the Armenian election,” said delegation head Katherine Harris, who was taking a leave of absence from her job as head of quality assurance at General Motors. When an aide clarified that Harris had meant “Afghan,” she politely declined, noting that it was warm enough in the room.

The two candidates in the election, Ashraf Ghani and Abdullah Abdullah, welcomed the support. “If anyone knows how to conduct a smooth election, it’s Florida,” said Ghani at a rare joint press conference. “We look forward to having the team of experts get started, as soon as we can figure out where they are.”

20140707-164241.jpgA Florida election official preparing for his daily briefing.

Republicans cite lower unemployment as proof that “Obamacare is forcing Americans to take jobs just to stay afloat”

3 Jul

WASHINGTON–strong job growth numbers and a sharp drop in unemployment are “further proof that Obama is leading this country towards economic disaster,” said Speaker John Boehner (R–OH).

“Last month alone, 288,000 Americans found that their economic situation was so bad that they were forced to take jobs just to pay their bills,” said Boehner. “It’s hard to imagine a greater failure of leadership.”

The unemployment rate fell sharply to 6.1%, “further proof, as if any were needed, that the Obamacare tax is making people turn to work as the only way out of their economic hole.”

The White House had no immediate comment. A spokesman described the President as “puzzled” by the GOP reaction.

Supreme Court rules corporations can do “whatever the hell they want” in the name of religious freedom

1 Jul

WASHINGTON–in a thoughtful, tightly reasoned ruling, the Supreme Court today found that corporations can do “whatever the hell they want” as long as they claim some kind of religious motivation.

“Our country was founded on religious liberty,” said the majority ruling. “Therefore, we’ve decided to toss everything else out the window. Go nuts.”

The case began when the craft store Hobby Lobby claimed that the religious principles of its owners prevented it from complying with the Affordable Care Act and covering contraception for employees. The suit was then joined by Walmart, which noted its longheld religious beliefs that the minimum wage, health and safety requirements, and anti-discrimination laws were “tools of Satan” it could not in good conscience adhere to.

Afterwards, the American Restaurant Association revealed its “longtime but hidden beliefs” that kitchen hands should never receive overtime, while several construction firms pointed to their belief that being hurt on the job is “God’s punishment for carelessness” and that compensating injured workers is a “sacrilegious tampering with His plan.”

The ruling came on a close 5-4 vote, a split historically associated with some of the Court’s finest work, such as Bush v. Gore and Citizens United.

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