Ebola nurse angrily asserts her right to run around licking strangers on the face

30 Oct

PORTLAND, Maine—Kaci Hickox, the nurse who was briefly quarantined after returning from treating Ebola patients, and then announced that she would not stay at home as requested for 21 days, today said that she would defy the CDC’s request that she not lick people “right on the kisser.”

“My human rights are the most important thing in this situation,” said Hickox at a press conference today, “and one of my most basic rights is the right to go all over the country and lick anyone that I see all over the face.” Pointing her finger at a CDC official standing haplessly at the end of the stage, she added, “You know who didn’t let people lick strangers on the street? The Nazis.”

After the press conference, Hickox adjourned to the local Pizza Hut, where she asserted her right to sneeze on the salad bar.

GOP candidates blast Obamacare, noting that all it has done is “help a bunch of sick people”

27 Oct

WASHINGTON–as the final days of the midterm election season wind down, Republican candidates across the country are running against the “utter failure” of the Affordable Care Act.

“Sure, maybe if you’re a big-government liberal, you think that people should get so-called medical treatment when they get sick,” said Scott Brown, who is working on a book about running for the Senate in all fifty states. “You know what the children of the Founding Fathers did when they got sick? They died.”

Opposition to the overreach of the ACA is widespread. “We need to get the Federal Government out of the health-care business,” said Sen. Mitch McConnell (R–KY). “Except for the Congressional medical-insurance plan. We should keep that.”

Democrats, on the defensive after providing insurance to millions of people working full-time and supporting families, responded with a realistic admission that “no system is perfect.”

“Look, I’m as keen as anyone that poor people just go to the emergency room and receive the most expensive treatment possible that isn’t really effective,” said Michelle Nunn, running for Senate in Georgia. “But you have to start somewhere, and affordable medical insurance is an unfortunate necessary first step.”

Democrats quietly confident of “strong second-place finish” in midterms

21 Oct

WASHINGTON—sources close to leading Democrats say that with the midterm elections only weeks away, there is growing confidence that the party will “easily” coast to a strong second-place finish in both the House and Senate.

“We don’t want to jinx this thing or take our eye off the ball, but second place is in the bag,” said one operative, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “We will be miles ahead of all of the third parties.”

Sources cite internal polling showing that the Democrats could capture between 42 and 48 seats in the Senate and almost 200 in the House, putting them well ahead of independents, the Patriot Party, the Socialist Workers’ Party, the Party Party Party, and the Taxpayers’ Party.

“Even if we fade a little in the home stretch, there is almost no chance that someone else is going to surge at the last minute and take second place away from us,” said another party insider. “We’re a lock for the opposition.”

The Democrats are so confident that Sen. Harry Reid (D—NV) is said to already have ordered letterhead with “Senate Minority Leader” printed on it.

“I don’t want to brag, but this one is done,” said the insider.

Harry Reid “highly confident” of as many as 48 Senate seats

In comprehensive new anti-Ebola plan, White House will urge everyone to “be careful out there”

17 Oct

WASHINGTON–with the government response to the Ebola threat coming under criticism from the public and from experts, the White House today announced a comprehensive range of measures to fight the spread of the disease.

“Effective immediately, the United States government is going to urge everyone in the country to be really careful,” said President Obama. “We’re going to put out a very strong recommendation that people try hard not to get Ebola.”

When pressed for specifics, Obama explained that “it meant being really careful not to get germs or anything on you, and paying lots of attention to not getting sick.” He suggested that, for example, if people see an Ebola virus on the street or in a restaurant or somewhere, they back away from it slowly, raising their arms above their heads to look bigger.

A White House spokesman later clarified that the president’s advice was actually more applicable to bears, “but that it is worth a try” with the virus as well.

In other news, several vigilante bands announced that they were going to stop at nothing to “try to find that monkey” that would enable the development of a cure, before being informed that Ebola was not actually the same virus as in the movie “Outbreak.”

IMG_3739.JPGIf you see this, just back away slowly and don’t make any sudden moves. Do not play dead or try to climb a tree; you will just make it mad.

Australian PM super-excited to have his own terrorist threat

11 Oct

CANBERRA–Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott today announced that “after years of trying to whip one up,” his government had finally managed to find a homegrown terrorist threat.

“I’m pleased to announce that Australia now has a genuine Islamic terrorist threat,” said Abbott, smiling from ear to ear at a press conference. “I’d like to thank my team for their years of dedicated race-baiting, which has made today’s announcement possible.”

Abbott announced that Australian federal police had launched a series of pre-dawn raids in order to detain several young men who “had made vague statements about doing bad stuff online.” He noted that “they looked pretty shady and ethnic and stuff.”

Although he did not comment on the specific nature of the threats, Abbott did note that “once guys in their early 20s start talking to their mates about doing something, precise coordinated action can’t be far behind.” A source close to the investigation revealed that in a chat room one of the arrested men had commented on ISIS and said “we should totally do something, you know?”, which caused the entire government to go on high alert.

Prosecutors said that the arrested men would be tried for violating laws that were due to be written any day now.

“My government takes terrorism extremely seriously,” said Tony Abbott. “That’s why we have decided to start violating civil liberties, publicizing trivial incidents, and making hostile comments about religions and ethnicities, so that we can have more of it to fight.”

IMG_3642.JPGWe’ve got a terrorist threat this big

Chinese government accepts all protestor demands, except democracy, free speech, and change of any kind

7 Oct

HONG KONG–in a sweeping step forward, the government of China today announced that it would accept virtually all of the demands of the thousands of protestors who have been blocking the streets here for the last few weeks, with only a handful of reservations.

“I am pleased to announce that we have reached an agreement with the leaders of the demonstrations,” said a government spokesman. “We think we can give them everything they’re asking for, except for an expanded franchise, free nomination of executive candidates, an end to mandatory Party affiliations, the elimination of travel and currency controls, unfiltered Internet, press freedom, reform of state-owned-enterprises, educational reform, an end to land confiscations, and term limits.”

The spokesman noted that starting immediately, Hong Kong would be reinstituting Triple-Stamp Tuesdays at Starbucks throughout the autonomous region, enabling citizens to receive a free small latte after the purchase of as few as four large coffees.

“It’s practical quality-of-life measures like these that will drive change at the local level,” said one protest leader, speaking from an undisclosed location via videoconference, with highly dilated pupils and copious drooling. “We support the government one hundred percent all the time forever,” he added, just before receiving an injection of healthful natural vitamins.

In tough new security procedure, White House will start locking the door

30 Sep

WASHINGTON—after a major security breach this month at the White House, the Secret Service announced today that it would take the aggressive step of locking the front door.

“While we do not wish to overreact to what we think is an isolated incident, we recognize that changes are required,” said Julia Pierson, Director of the Secret Service. “I am therefore directing the Service to start locking the door of the White House, especially when we see crazy people that we’ve caught with hatchets outside.”

Pierson announced that if for any reason a law-abiding citizen found himself or herself locked out of the White House, she would leave a spare key under a small ceramic gnome just off to the left. “Also, if you use the secret ‘Shave and a Haircut’ knock, we’ll open up right away,” she promised.

Pierson said the Secret Service had not yet confirmed rumors of a so-called “backdoor” security problem at the White House. “We have no evidence of that,” said Pierson. “If we do find a back door, you can rest assured we will really seriously consider whether we might want to lock it as well, or at least not oil the hinges so it is really squeaky.”


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