MOSCOW–palpable relief washed over the Russian capital today as the news spread that Vladimir Putin had singlehandedly solved all of the cripping economic and other problems facing Russia by going for a ride in a little submarine.
“It has been a difficult year, with the drop in the oil price and the sanctions,” said Lyudmila Goncharova, a fruit seller at the Orlovsky produce market. “But when I saw the pictures of Vladimir Vladimirovich in that cute little submarine, I knew our problems were at an end.”
The Russian authorities were vague on how, exactly, Putin’s little submarine ride would revitalize the economy. “By making Russia great again!” explained one government spokesman, before looking at his watch and explaining that he needed to leave urgently for an appointment.
After the dive, in which Putin looked at an ancient shipwreck, the Russian President spoke to reporters, explaining that he had just closed the gaping Russian deficit caused by the decreased oil price, and had also strengthened the ruble. “It just takes firm leadership,” he said. He then pointed to the little submarine and noted that it was entirely Russian-made, “except for the submarine part. Paint job is one hundred percent Russian.”
Professor Arkady Strogatevich, an economist at Moscow State University, noted that if necessary, Putin could do even more for the Russian economy. “In the west, where they use girlie-man ‘macroeconomic tools’ instead of strong leadership, they have already lowered interest rates to zero, so they have nowhere else to go,” he explained. “But you will see that in the photos of the Russian submarine, President Putin has not even taken his shirt off.”