BOSTON—thousands of people turned out today to participate in the marathon here today, celebrating a remarkable resilience in the face of terror. To the surprise of many, participating in a marathon involves a significant amount of running.
“This is ridiculous,” puffed David Horsham, 46, an advertising account manager with “Boston Strong” tattooed on his bicep. “I sort of just thought they’d fire the starting gun, and then we’d run a little, and then there would be beers, or something.”
“I guess I didn’t really think this far ahead,” said Kathy McGee, 24, who said her normal exercise routine consists mostly of standing in line outside clubs. “The whole office went. You know? It just seemed like the right thing to do.”
Paramedics were on standby for an expected increase in injuries. As at press time, several runners were being treated for collisions caused by trying to post selfies on Instagram during the race.
WASHINGTON–minutes after Chelsea Clinton announced that she was pregnant, the House Republican leadership immediately subpoenaed the baby to testify “what it knew, and when it knew it” about the Benghazi attacks, as well as the healthcare.gov debacle and the IRS targeting of conservative groups.
“I’m sure we’ll get the usual Democratic smokescreen of ‘it wasn’t in this meeting’ or ‘it wasn’t born until three years after that happened,’” said Rep. Eric Cantor (R–VA). “We demand some real accountability from this fetus.”
According to Cantor, it is also “highly suspicious” that the pregnancy announcement took place in the same year as the fifth anniversary of the ATF “Operation Fast and Furious” gunwalking scandal.
Several House committees are planning to request the baby to testify “at your earliest available date post-birth.”
In other news, President Obama issued his congratulations to Chelsea Clinton, and announced that he would delegate the decision on the Keystone XL pipeline to the baby. “Regrettably, this may require a delay in the decision until February 2017 at the earliest,” he said in a statement.
KUALA LUMPUR—ending weeks of confusion and mystery, the Malaysian government today issued its definitive report on what caused the disappearance of Flight 370.
“After reviewing all the available evidence, we are finally confident that we have found the cause of the jet’s disappearance,” said a government spokesman. “Specifically, our experts have found that something pretty strange happened, which in turn caused the jet to disappear, and maybe to crash or something.”
Authorities around the world were quick to declare the case closed.
“It’s a meticulous piece of sleuthing,” said Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott. “As a world leader who practically found the plane by myself, I firmly support the findings.”
The spokesman noted that “everyone in the Malaysian government is relieved to put this behind us and get back in the headlines for the right reasons, like weird trumped-up sex charges against opposition leaders.”
LAWRENCEBURG, Tennessee—fulfilling an oft-stated request, friends of the late Bill Chesterson, lifetime NRA member, pried the gun out of his cold, dead hands here yesterday, a few hours after he accidentally shot himself while checking his ammunition.
“Bill always said that we could have his gun if we did it this way,” said his longtime associate Dave Oxley. “To tell the truth, he seemed pretty insistent on it. So I guess we just felt it was the right thing to do.”
According to witnesses, prying out the gun was surprisingly difficult. They finally released the weapon, a Glock 19 handgun, only after a blue-helmeted stranger wearing arrived in a black helicopter and gave them some pointers, saying he had done this “plenty of times.”
NEW YORK—only days after David Letterman announced his retirement, CBS has moved quickly to replace him, hiring Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius to host the long-running show.
“No one has made us laugh more during this past year than Kathleen Sebelius,” said Leslie Moonves, CEO of CBS. “Her track record of practical jokes and absurd humor, always delivered with a straight face, makes her the natural successor to Dave.”
Some critics questioned whether Sebelius’s style was a good fit for late-night television. “While Letterman is known for his top-ten lists and pet tricks, Sebelius is better at long-running satire, like healthcare.gov, or very dry humor, like her claim to Congress that the rollout was going well,” said David Carr of the New York Times.
An as-yet unresolved question was whether Sebelius would host the show in-character as the “Secretary,” her best-known and best-loved persona. “I hope so,” said Carr. “The Secretary is just hilarious.”
JOHANNESBURG—Oscar Pistorius testified in his murder trial yesterday that he accidentally shot and killed his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp thinking she was an “enormous but extremely attractive rat” that had somehow locked itself in his bathroom.
“I figured, a critter that size, you don’t want it chewing up the plumbing,” said Pistorius. He also expressed his concern that the rat might create bullet-sized holes in his expensive bathroom door.
Skeptics noted that Pistorius has changed his story a few times, initially claiming that he thought a “super-hot robber” had broken into his house.
Before that, he told investigators that he and Steenkamp had been working on “a really cool magic trick” that hadn’t panned out as hoped.
The trial has recently been caught up in procedural maneuvering, as the defense team has sought to throw out most of the prosecution’s evidence on the grounds “it would make our client look guilty.”
WASHINGTON—following the second mass shooting on a single army base in five years, the Republican leadership today called for a strict ban on mental illness.
“This tragedy shows that guns and mental illness just don’t mix,” said Speaker John Boehner (R—OH). “The only solution, obviously, is to outlaw mental illness.”
The GOP was not fully united, with members of the party’s libertarian wing warning of government intrusion into a private manner. “When mental illness is outlawed, only outlaws will be mentally ill,” warned Sen. Rand Paul (R—KY). Sen. Paul also warned that the growing Tea Party movement would be “decimated” by a ban on crazy people.
Under the terms of the proposed ban, anyone being found with a mental illness would face a series of short prison terms. Critics have pointed out that this system is already in place across the country.