North Korea demonstrates crushing technological superiority once again with Sony hack

19 Dec

TOKYO–elite North Korean hackers today showed the world once again why Pyongyang is the hottest destination for tech talent, breaking into Sony Corporation’s servers and stealing virtually all of the company’s files.

“We’ve known the North Koreans have the best software, the best hardware, and the best talent,” said serial tech entrepreneur Jim Davies, who moved to Silicon Valley two years ago after finding that he couldn’t keep up north of the DMZ. “The Sony hack just shows that Japan, and indeed all the rest of us, are falling further behind.”

While the attackers left few digital fingerprints, American forensic technicians found fragments of code first seen on JucheBay, an e-commerce site where can North Koreans can list their items and the state takes them by force without compensation.

Davies said the problem could worsen significantly in the near future. “There are literally tens of thousands of brilliant software engineers in North Korea right now,” he said. “And when they finish the potato harvest and are allowed to return home, there’s no telling what they’ll be able to achieve.”

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The Rodong 1000, capable of performing literally dozens of calculations per second.

President Obama normalizes relations with Cuba Gooding, Jr.

17 Dec

WASHINGTON—ending a feud that has dragged on for years between the two men, President Obama today announced that he was re-establishing relations with the actor Cuba Gooding, Jr., effective immediately.

“The policy of isolation has failed,” said Obama in a speech here today. “We can do more by engaging with Cuba than by attempting to undermine him.”

Effective immediately, Americans will be able to visit Cuba without a visa, including “all areas of his house—the back yard, the pool—everything,” said a State Department spokesman. Also, he may engage in “normal commercial interactions,” such as buying Girl Scout cookies or renting a movie on iTunes.

The president’s action immediately drew both strong support and stinging criticism from politicians on both sides of the aisle. “This is nothing but a craven surrender,” said Sen. Marco Rubio (R—FL), a staunch opponent of the regime. “Cuba is responsible for some of the greatest atrocities of the last hundred years, including ‘Snow Dogs’ and ‘Daddy Day Care,’ and we should reject appeasement in all its forms.”

The president changed his mind, according to aides, over the weekend, when he watched the iconic clip of Gooding, Jr., yelling “Show me the money” in the film ‘Jerry Maguire.’ “That guy is hilarious, and we need to patch this up,” Obama is reported to have said.

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No longer a grave threat to the United States, as long as you don’t try to watch ‘Lightning Jack’

Deranged Australian gunman buys black flag; becomes global terrorist threat

15 Dec

SYDNEY—a mentally ill Iranian-Australian man with a long criminal history today took hostages inside a café here. The initial threat assessment of “Moderate” was then upgraded to “Unbelievably, Incredibly High” when he unfurled a black flag with the Islamic profession of faith on it.

“Look, some guy waving a gun around, threatening people, that’s no big deal,” said a spokesman for the New South Wales police. “But when we found out that he had a largely made-up superficial connection to Islam, then we decided it was time for some old-fashioned national panic.”

The gunman, Man Haron Manis, was well-known to the authorities for sending incoherent denunciations to the police and espousing bizarre conspiracy theories. He was on bail for sexual assault charges and involvement in the murder of his ex-wife. “We would have kept an eye on him,” said the police spokesman, “but we didn’t know he owned a black flag.”

Executing a well-prepared plan, Australian police descended in force, closed down the center of the city, and then milled about all day, wondering what to do next. Explaining why more than two hundred officers in full armor were considered necessary, the spokesman pointed out that “We have all this cool deadly combat gear. What are we supposed to do, not use it?” Pressed further, he offered the possibility that Manis “might have transformed into a deadly robot ninja or something.”

The siege ended around 2am, when police stormed the café and shot Manis dead.

IMG_4293.JPG“We didn’t know what the hat meant,” said authorities

Iraqi detainees sharply criticize Senate torture report; say they were just “horsing around” with their “CIA buddies”

10 Dec

BAGHDAD–a group of former Iraqi and Afghan detainees angrily criticized the Senate report on CIA torture, saying it had made “our good times with CIA friends” look bad.

“The Senate clearly doesn’t understand what torture is,” said Jalal al-Yusuf, an elementary-school teacher who spent six months in Abu Ghraib prison after being confused with an insurgent with a similar name. “They look at a man with electrodes attached to his genitals and immediately think that something inappropriate is going on.”

Samar Hussein, a fruit seller who was spotted with a mobile phone in Sadr City in 2004 and spent three years locked up at a black site, was equally angry. “So I like to get naked and be hit with rubber hoses,” he said. “That’s a private thing between me and my good friend Jim Just Jim from Texas.”

“It was all just for fun, and our interrogators were clear that we could make it stop any time by using our safe word,” said Dr. Ihab Abed, who was picked up by police for looking unhappy during the short-lived Iraqi festival Dick Cheney Day. “My safe word was ‘Saddamplanned9/11′, for example.”

Fellow detainees Tarek Ayoub, Abdul Khader, and several others were unavailable for comment, because they were dead. A friend of Ayoub’s said “Sure, he died from asphyxiation under enhanced interrogation, but he could have died from asphyxiation sitting in a cafe, if the waiter had jumped on him and held a wet bag on his head. No one’s to blame.”

Leading Republicans and former members of the Bush administration also rejected the label of “torture,” noting that they hadn’t noticed anything amiss from their offices ten thousand miles away.

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Highly skilled interrogators build rapport with detainees through a fun team-building exercise.

Obama nomination of Ashton Kutcher as Secretary of Defense raises eyebrows

5 Dec

WASHINGTON–in a surprise move, President Obama today nominated Ashton Kutcher to replace outgoing Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel, a decision that caught observers by surprise.

“We all knew this was likely to be a caretaker pick,” said expert David Fosters. “But I’m still scratching my head as to why Obama went with a TV star, instead of someone with relevant foreign policy experience, like Ashton Carter.”

In his announcement of Kutcher, Obama noted that “if Ashton could turn around Two and a Half Men after Charlie Sheen left, I’m confident he can fix up Afghanistan and Iraq.” Obama also noted Kutcher’s outsized Twitter presence as justification for the pick.

Kutcher was unavailable for comment. His publicist said that Kutcher was spending quiet time with Mila Kunis and their new baby and asked the media to respect their privacy, immediately before distributing several dozen glossy photos of the family for publication.
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“How hard can it be?” Kutcher was reported to have said after accepting the nomination.

NYPD announces pilot program of arresting white people who commit crimes

5 Dec

NEW YORK–Commissioner William Bratton today announced a “landmark” change in the NYPD’s approach to policing, announcing a small pilot program that will experiment over the coming months with arresting white people who commit crimes.

“While I realize this departure from traditional practices may unsettle some, it is the next step in our never-ending journey towards equality,” said Bratton.

Starting January 1, the NYPD will start arresting “up to ten white people every week” who have committed crimes. The focus will initially be on serious crimes that can carry the death penalty, such as selling loose cigarettes, carrying Skittles, or looking suspicious.

Lesser crimes such as running over pedestrians while drunk or domestic abuse would continue to attract fifty-dollar fines.

If the pilot program is successful, the NYPD could expand it until “five, or even ten percent of flagrant crimes committed by white people lead to arrests,” Bratton said. “But that would be over a long phase-in period, of course.”

When asked if crimes such as illegally foreclosing on homes or misleading investors could lead to arrests, Bratton held up his hands. “Let’s not get crazy here,” he said.

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Bank robbery will lead to swift and certain justice, unless it is done by the senior executives of the bank

St. Louis Rams deny that they were protesting Ferguson decision; claim they were just hitting women

3 Dec

ST. LOUIS–as controversy continued to swirl over the five members of the Rams who took the field Sunday with the “hands up, don’t shoot” gesture, a spokesman for the players explained that they were not protesting the recent Ferguson grand jury decision. Instead, he explained, they were just trying to hurt some women in the stands nearby.

“Look, these are good guys, and they know better than to break the rules,” said the spokesman from the players’ union. “They’ve assured me that they only raised their hands to punch some women that were giving them some attitude.”

Commissioner Roger Goodell, who criticized the original gesture, seemed mollified by the explanation. “As long as this was just a mixup, and they were actually trying to hurt women, and not get the NFL mixed up in politics, then of course it’s okay.”

The St. Louis Police Officers Association had criticized the players for raising their hands as they walked on the field. “It’s almost as if they’re suggesting that police officers would shoot a black person,” said a department spokesman.

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A tense moment turned to relieved laughter when they knocked a woman unconscious.

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