Vladimir Putin solves all of Russia’s economic problems by riding in a little submarine

19 Aug

MOSCOW–palpable relief washed over the Russian capital today as the news spread that Vladimir Putin had singlehandedly solved all of the cripping economic and other problems facing Russia by going for a ride in a little submarine.

“It has been a difficult year, with the drop in the oil price and the sanctions,” said Lyudmila Goncharova, a fruit seller at the Orlovsky produce market. “But when I saw the pictures of Vladimir Vladimirovich in that cute little submarine, I knew our problems were at an end.”

The Russian authorities were vague on how, exactly, Putin’s little submarine ride would revitalize the economy. “By making Russia great again!” explained one government spokesman, before looking at his watch and explaining that he needed to leave urgently for an appointment.
After the dive, in which Putin looked at an ancient shipwreck, the Russian President spoke to reporters, explaining that he had just closed the gaping Russian deficit caused by the decreased oil price, and had also strengthened the ruble. “It just takes firm leadership,” he said. He then pointed to the little submarine and noted that it was entirely Russian-made, “except for the submarine part. Paint job is one hundred percent Russian.”

Professor Arkady Strogatevich, an economist at Moscow State University, noted that if necessary, Putin could do even more for the Russian economy. “In the west, where they use girlie-man ‘macroeconomic tools’ instead of strong leadership, they have already lowered interest rates to zero, so they have nowhere else to go,” he explained. “But you will see that in the photos of the Russian submarine, President Putin has not even taken his shirt off.”

Honestly, everyone at twissblog just loves this guy. We think he’s dreamy.

Oregon lets everyone down again

18 Aug

PORTLAND, Oregon–once again, the state of Oregon is letting everybody down.

The latest disappointment from the “middle child of the West Coast” came with the news that the state was the only one outside the South and the Midwest to hold a pro-Confederate-flag rally since the Charleston shooting, aside from one that was probably in Arizona, but because the states on our map weren’t labelled, might conceivably have been in New Mexico.

The rally was attended by a “couple of dozen dudes” who were “probably typical Oregonians,” according to local media reports.

Even Idaho, which has spent years preparing for a United Nations invasion to take away its guns, was disappointed with the latest news. “Get it together, guys,” said Idaho Gov. Butch Otter, whose awesome name has gotten his state some mentions in political humor blogs that might otherwise have taken their business elsewhere.

Oregon’s pro-Confederate rally lines up with a number of stupid laws already on the books in the state, such as one that denies Americans their constitutional right to pump their own gas. The only other state where it is illegal to pump your own gas is New Jersey, where–perhaps coincidentally, perhaps not–a longtime Nazi official was found to be hiding under an assumed name in 1974.

It is also illegal in Oregon to fish using canned corn as bait.

Gov. Kate Brown, who assumed office in February of this year after her predecessor did something stupid, recently issued a blanket apology for the state and its conduct. However, she revealed no plans to change her name to “Butch Otter,” which could have really helped the situation.


Come on, Oregon. Get with the program.

Sesame Street to move to HBO in the fall, at last allowing for more violence and profanity

14 Aug

NEW YORK—in a surprising move, HBO and Sesame Workshop today announced a deal that would see new Sesame Street episodes airing exclusively on HBO, starting this fall.

“We’re delighted to announce our new partnership with HBO,” said Jeffrey Dunn, chief executive of Sesame Workshop. “Not only will this shore up our finances and ensure that we are able to produce original programming in the years ahead, but it will finally allow us to show the dark, gritty side of Sesame Street that we couldn’t use on PBS.”

Like many other producers, Dunn explained that he was looking forward to the “creative freedom” that cable television provided. “We plan to see a lot more hookers and blow next season,” he said. “Our new unconstrained format will allow us to provide educational programming to that underserved demographic, the children of rich white people with pay TV subscriptions.”

An HBO spokesman noted that “we look forward to welcoming Sesame Street to our lineup of award-winning shows, and then to making it really hard to watch and unpleasant, because that’s what great educational television is all about.”

birdwalk empire
We didn’t make this, but it’s still pretty awesome

Jeb Bush, Hillary Clinton agree to skip ahead to the general election

12 Aug

WASHINGTON—while the Republican and Democratic primary processes have several months to run, Jeb Bush and Hillary Clinton have reached an agreement to “skip all of that stuff” and kick off the general election, according to a joint statement released today by both campaigns.

“While we realize that selecting a party’s nominee for the presidency is one of the most important rights and duties of American citizens,” the statement read, “we all know how this thing is going to end, right? It’s not like you really have any choice in the matter. So can we just get on with it?

A spokesman for the Clinton campaign explained that “while there will be all these ups and downs and manufactured crises” over the next nine months, “Jeb and Hillary agree that the nominations of each party are too important to be left to voters,” and that it would be better for everyone to just get moving.

Under the terms of the agreement, Bush and Clinton will start attacking each other immediately and ignoring their “so-called rivals” for the nomination.

Said a spokesman for Jeb Bush, “we know the primary has to continue, but, I mean…come on.”

Suspicions that Bush was not taking the primary campaign entirely seriously began to emerge during the first Republican debate, when he was seen playing Angry Birds 2 while Rand Paul argued with Chris Christie.
It would be really nice if Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush would appear on stage together, soon, so that we can stop using stupid split photos like this one.

Latest polls show Bernie Sanders with 34% support and 19% name recognition

10 Aug

BURLINGTON, Vt.—the latest national polls released today show Sen. Bernie Sanders (Indep.—VT) increasing his support to 34% of all Democrats, up significantly from last month and well ahead of his name recognition.

“You could say his support is a little soft,” said Prof. Christina Meiklejohn, Nader Chair of Hopeless Long Shots at the University of Vermont. “Especially since half of the voters behind him don’t actually know who he is. But, still. Go Catamounts!” she added, making a complicated gesture that we understand is sometimes made at football games involving the University of Vermont.

Engaging further in the investigative reporting which has won Twissblog more than a dozen Pulitzer Prizes, we spoke to Prof. Susan Randsdowne, Professor of Confusing Mascot Names at the University of Alaska, who informed us that a “Catamount” is a kind of wild cat, like a cougar. “Go Nanooks!” she then yelled into the phone before we could hang up, although we all then agreed that we hadn’t heard her and therefore were under no obligation to find out what a Nanook is.

We then spoke to Nate Silver of fivethirtyeight.com, who explained Sanders’ confusing numbers stemmed from the fact that pollsters had given him credit for varied responses to the telephone survey such as “that other dude” and “you know, that one, who isn’t Hillary,” as well as “the Senator guy” and “anyone who isn’t Hillary or Martin O’Malley or Jim Webb or Lincoln Chafee but is still a credible declared candidate.” Silver also then went on to warn twissblog that there were stiff penalties for attributing fake quotes to real people, even in humor blogs.

Contacted by phone, the Sanders campaign said that it was “pleased” with the latest poll results and expected “to compete strongly for the Democratic nomination.” It also noted that “based on the margin of error, Bernie is outperforming Graham and Jindal for the Republican nomination as well,” and demanded that he be included in the next GOP debate.

Admit it, you’re not really sure whether this is Bernie Sanders or not.

Despite having exactly ten candidates on stage at the Republican primary debate, Fox News misses chance to form them into a human pyramid

7 Aug

CLEVELAND—in a baffling misstep, Fox News, despite hosting last night’s Republican primary debate and inviting only ten of the candidates, at no point even attempted to get them to form a human pyramid.

“I mean, I’m just completely mystified,” said Dave Arlesmith, a political columnist from the Cleveland Plain Dealer who covered the debate. “They had exactly the right number of candidates for a four-level pyramid—one on the top, two below him, three below them, and four on the bottom. One-two-three-four. Adds up to ten. It’s simple stuff.”

Party leaders were equally puzzled. “I mean, it was great to listen to the guys talk about their policy positions,” said Reince Priebus, chairman of the Republican National Committee. “But they just stood behind the lecterns the whole time. I’m not sure what Megyn Kelly was thinking.”

There had been heavy speculation before the debate as to exactly what position each of the candidates would take in the pyramid that everyone expected. Most people thought it would build up from the center of the stage, with Trump on top, Bush and Walker under him (or in some variants Bush and Huckabee), with Christie, Rubio, Paul, and Kasich on the bottom level.

Others thought Trump would be too vulnerable on the top level. “I mean, that guy is going to be eight, maybe ten feet in the air,” said Arlesmith. “You want someone athletic, who can land on their feet if the whole thing collapses, and also someone who’s not too heavy.” Arlesmith said he had expected Rubio, Walker, or Cruz to be at the top of the pyramid.

Arlesmith shook his head sadly. “I guess we’ll never know, now.”

It is really not that hard

Play Republican bingo while watching the debate!

5 Aug

Friends! As part of our civic-mindedness here at twissblog, we have been wracking our brains for ways to make Thursday’s Republican primary debate more exciting, especially since the most colorful personality among the candidates–George Pataki–has failed to make the cut for the top 10.

To keep citizen-viewers engaged, therefore, we’re delighted to provide you with Debate Bingo! Just print this out and every time one of the candidates uses that phrase, cross that square out! Note that the center square is free–just another handout you lousy pinkos have probably come to expect when playing bingo.

Since our millions of readers will all be using the same card, presumably everyone will tie for first place. Again, just the sort of class-warfare redistributionist outcome the Democrat Party wants you to have.

Have fun!

Your friends at twissblog

Republican bingo


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