EDINBURGH—after 307 years as part of the United Kingdom, Scotland came close to breaking away as an independent state on Thursday, before voting down secession by a 55-45 margin. In exit polls, Scottish voters cited their admiration for English cuisine, the attractive weather, and a healthy lifestyle as the principal reasons to remain united.
“Sure, I’d like to be independent,” said Angus McNae of Glasgow, minutes after casting his ballot. “But we would have to build our own dysfunctional multiparty system to replace the one we have now—it just doesn’t make sense.”
Alex Salmond, First Minister of Scotland and head of the Scottish National Party, made a lengthy concession speech, which unfortunately was completely unintelligible to journalists in attendance, but might have said something about freedom, or possibly something fried. It was very hard to tell.
Official reaction to the vote was muted. Officials of the Assembly of Newly Created Sovereign States expressed disappointment that Scotland would not be joining their group soon. “We just don’t understand why more countries don’t want to be like us,” said representatives of Kosovo, East Timor, and South Sudan.
Scotland lost its independence in 1707 when its entire army deserted en masse to the English rather than “listen to those goddam bagpipes for one more goddam minute”
NEW YORK–the NFL, already set by concerns over brain health and domestic violence, found its troubles growing today, as the entire roster of the Jacksonville Jaguars travelled to Syria this morning to fight for ISIS.
“Obviously, I’m as disappointed as anyone that the entire Jaguars organization has joined a murderous terrorist group,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. “With a heavy heart, I am going to suspend the players involved for the next two games.”
The motivations for the Jaguars for joining the civil war in Syria and Iraq were not entirely clear. QB Chad Henne posted a video on YouTube of himself burning his passport and pledging that he would fight until the entire Middle East was ruled by a new caliphate, “at which point we look forward to coming back and delivering some great Jaguars football for our fans.”
The NFL owners, as a sign of their grave displeasure, announced that they would cut Goodell’s pay this year to no more than a million billion zillion dollars.
TORONTO–responding to the public’s overwhelming demand for more members of the Ford family to be involved in Toronto politics, Doug Ford today announced that he would run for mayor of the city. In his press conference, he promised a departure from his brother Rob’s approach to leadership, saying that he would “be the leader for all different kinds of drugs,” eschewing Rob’s focus just on crack cocaine and alcohol.
“For too long, this city’s leadership has neglected heroin, crystal meth, prescription painkillers, even simple weed,” said Doug Ford to a capacity crowd of reporters who had come to laugh at him. “I promise to be filmed in a much wider variety of compromising positions going forward.”
Rob Ford said that with a heavy heart, he was not going to run for re-election. “I wish I didn’t have to choose between my two great loves, being mayor and smoking crack,” he said. “But if I’m going to pursue my lifelong dream of being strung out pretty much 24/7, then I think the city council is a better place for me.”
Rob Ford will be running for council in a district that his nephew has agreed to vacate in order to pursue his own personal dream of sitting around and doing not very much.
NEW YORK—citing short-term memory loss, the NFL today admitted that it couldn’t remember whether the 2014 football season had started last weekend or not.
“I’m embarrassed to admit this, because we like to think of ourselves as tough guys, but no one here in the building can remember whether we played games over the weekend,” said Roger Goodell, speaking to reporters. “Also, if anyone knows where I parked my car, can you please let me know?”
Goodell denied that NFL management’s memory issues and headaches could have stemmed from repeated blows to the head. “Who said anything about concussions?” asked Goodell, when no one had said anything about concussions. “I don’t even know what that means.”
An NFL staffer later clarified that Goodell genuinely was not sure what the word meant. “He’s all headache-y today, and he’s not remembering well,” said the aide. “At least, that’s what I wrote down here on my arm with a Sharpie.”
Goodell also noted that he couldn’t remember what stiff punishment he had given Ray Rice on his domestic violence charge. “I’m sure it was really harsh, though,” said Goodell.
NEW YORK–major American television, online, and newspaper outlets joined the campaign against ISIS today by showing outtakes from its macabre decapitation videos over and over again.
“These videos are obscene, designed only to shock and terrify anyone who sees them,” said John Clemmons, spokesman for NBC. “Therefore, we’re going to be broadcasting them as much as we can possibly get away with.”
Pundits from across the political spectrum agreed to work together against the common threat. “As soon as the American public is scared, then the terrorists win,” said Bill O’Reilly. “That’s why I’m going to tell you in loving detail about the gruesome televised murders of innocent people.”
“This will not stand,” said Anderson Cooper. “And as soon as we have anything else from ISIS to repeat, we’ll be sure to do that, over and over again.”
WASHINGTON–days after admitting that “we don’t have a strategy” for the Middle East, President Obama regained the initiative today, announcing that he would put out a suggestion box for “any ideas at all” on foreign policy.
“Look, it can’t be that hard, right?” said Obama at a press conference. “We just need to find some people who read the newspaper, or blogs, or something. They’ll have some great ideas.”
Anticipating a high volume of “really super-great ideas,” Obama said that a panel of celebrity judges would narrow down the ideas to three, and then the public could vote.
Experts agreed that the American public would almost certainly find a thoughtful solution to the current set of overlapping foreign-policy crises. “These are the same people who found Caleb Johnson,” said one anonymous pundit. “I’m sure they can sort out Syria.”
MOSCOW–hours after the Ukrainian government released video of elite Russian paratroopers captured outside Donetsk, Russian President Vladimir Putin said that the crack soldiers “probably just got lost and wandered over the border.”
“It is easy to see how it would happen,” said Putin. “You’re out for some drinks, you’re wandering around, you accidentally scale four barbed-wire fences, tiptoe through a minefield, and drug a pack of German shepherds, and then you look up and–BAM–you’re in Ukraine without even realizing it.”
Putin also said that documents found on the soldiers, titled “Secret Plans for the Invasion of Ukraine by the Russian Military, Personally Approved by Vladimir Putin” were actually just copies of the class schedule for the Khabarovsk Yoga and Fitness Studio, and that the title and detailed plans and maps were just a “typo.”
“They probably have a secretary over at Khabarovsk Yoga and Fitness who dropped something on her keyboard, and those were the random letters that were typed as a result,” explained Putin.
Finally, Putin explained that the fifteen thousand Russian soldiers streaming across the border shouting “Victory or Death!” this morning were just looking for a bathroom.