Responding to electorate’s demand for symbolic action on divisive social issues, House GOP takes up abortion

18 Jun

WASHINGTON–responding to the nationwide insistence that Congress spend its time voting on controversial culture-war bills that have no chance of becoming law, the Republican leadership in the House today started debate on a bill to restrict abortion rights.

“We’d like to get some work done on the economy,” said Majority Whip Eric Cantor (R–Virginia). “But I can’t tell you how many constituents I’ve had coming into my office, pleading with me to make some kind of empty gesture on abortion rights. That’s really got to be our top priority now, alongside our goal of holding a 38th vote to repeal Obamacare.”

According to Cantor, after the vote to restrict abortion rights goes nowhere, Republicans plan to take up a series of increasingly divisive proposals that also have no chance of passing. “Next up is our plan to roll back gay rights, followed by disempowerment of women, followed by the gutting of civil-rights enforcement,” said Cantor. “And after we’ve had all of those shot down, we might look into re-segregating the military.”

Once again, the Democrats were left flat-footed by the nimble GOP tactics. “If there’s one thing we were unprepared for,” said President Obama, “it was a Congress that seems to be more interested in its own re-election than actually passing laws.”

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Moderate wins Iranian presidency, presaging no change whatsoever

15 Jun

TEHRAN–in a repudiation of the old-guard theocracy, Iranians turned out in the millions to elect Hassan Rowhani as President, who promised to “take your hopes and dreams and fail to do anything constructive with them,” due to the essentially powerless nature of the Iranian presidency.

“This is a huge turning point for Iranian society,” said Hassem al-Ghabbar, an expert on Iran. “Rowhani now has only four years to disappoint the electorate with his inability to effect any kind of change.”

In Tehran, Rowhani’s supporters packed the streets, demanding change that will certainly be vetoed by a small clique of reactionary old men. Cries for sweeping changes to the political system were interspersed with more radical calls such as abolishing the theocratic regime, or even allowing people to watch television freely or dress as they like.

Rowhani himself was not shy about underlining the differences between himself and his predecessor, Mahmoud Ahmedinejad. “At the end of my term, when I’ve been hopelessly undermined by the clerics and am completely powerless, I assure you–it will be for different reasons!” he shouted, as his supporters went wild.

In Washington, the White House’s reaction was muted. “I think we’ve learned our lesson about making any kind of meaningful policy statement about the Middle East,” said a spokesman.

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Rupert Murdoch files for divorce, complaining that wife has not “aged as gracefully as I have”

13 Jun

NEW YORK—after 14 years of marriage, billionaire Rupert Murdoch filed for divorce today, noting that his 44-year-old wife Wendi Deng was “not aging well at all.”

Murdoch, 82, explained in a subsequent interview that Deng was “cramping his style” when they went out, and that “because of her, no one believes we’re twenty-somethings any more.”

The media mogul also revealed the secret of his oft-cited magnetic personality and looks, which turns out to be “enormous amounts of money spent rashly.”

While the business community expressed concerns that the divorce could impact the family’s role in the News Corporation, management hastened to reassure investors that there would be no interruption to the company’s phone hacking and influence-peddling.

mudoch-media-divorce-popup

Wendi Deng, seen here with an unidentified man in a scary Halloween costume

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Booz Allen Hamilton offers NSA “Double Bonus Points” to make up for Snowden leak.

12 Jun

WASHINGTON—days after one of its employees revealed the existence of the top-secret, multi-billion-dollar Prism surveillance program, government contractor Booz Allen Hamilton offered to make it up to the NSA by offering it a book of coupons and an extension of its “Two-for-One Tuesdays” deal.

“We apologize for the poor customer service experience you received on June 9, 2013,” read a letter received by the NSA from Booz CEO Ralph Shrader. “To make it up to you, we would like to offer you two free movie tickets, redeemable at any Loews theater nationwide.”

Booz also offered the NSA extra points from its loyalty program, “Booz Bucks,” which can be redeemed for merchandise such as keychains and clock radios, or for the implementation of massive unconstitutional eavesdropping programs.

The NSA, while reportedly pleased to have received other merchandise such as Booz Allen Hamilton drinks coolers and stadium cushions, was equivocal as to whether the assortment of freebies was adequate compensation for Booz’s unveiling of perhaps the biggest secret the government currently has. “I think we’re going to ask them to make some changes to ensure their confidentiality procedures are just as tight as the government’s,” said Gen. Keith Alexander, head of the NSA. “For example, they might consider hiring Dave Petraeus as a consultant to tighten things up.”

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Obama cites “secret evidence” as proof that surveillance program is a good idea

10 Jun

WASHINGTON—as controversy surrounding the secret Prism surveillance program mounted, President Obama mounted a forceful defense of the program, noting that “although I can’t explain why, you just have to trust me on this one.”

“I can’t share everything we know, but let me tell you, I am just absolutely correct,” said the President at a press conference. “Also, you should know that my political opponents are just totally wrong. I have proof, but I can’t give it to you.”

The press conference was made more efficient by the fact that the President somehow knew all the questions journalists were planning to ask, and was able to distribute pre-printed flyers with answers as each question was asked.

Obama said that he welcomed the ongoing discussions. “I think it’s incredibly important that, as a democracy, we debate these issues fully,” said President Obama. “That’s why I’ve kept this program secret for six years.”

At times, the President seemed a bit surprised by all the controversy. “I mean, we have other secret programs that are way worse than this one,” he explained. “If they’d leaked in the other order, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation.”

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Hackers blamed as China catches up to US in reality television, enormous portion sizes, cat videos

6 Jun

BEIJING—operating from a non-descript building here, elite hackers from China’s secret “Unit 61398” have been stealing valuable intellectual property from American companies for years, experts say.

“First, the Chinese developed their own hot dogs,” said a scientist with a food-processing company in Ohio who asked not to be named. “Then they wrapped the hot dogs in pastry, and we took notice. And then we saw that they had stuffed the pastry with bacon and cheese, and we knew something serious was going on.”

Entertainment executives noted that Chinese television had made “decades” worth of progress in the last five years. “In 2002, it was all documentaries and classical music,” said an NBC executive. “I turned on my TV in Shanghai last week, and the first thing I saw was a reality show where bowling-alley hostesses train kittens to dance. They can’t have come up with that on their own.”

Grim-faced security experts see no easy way to stop the hacking. “Unless corporate America takes cybersecurity more seriously, there isn’t much we can do,” said outgoing National Security Advisor Tom Donilon. “Losing our edge in aerospace, computing, and defense was irritating. But now they’re striking at the heart of what it means to be American.”

Already, rumors are spreading that America’s final bastion is under assault. “We believe that a leading Chinese fast-food chain, Happy Lucky Chicken, is on the verge of releasing an eight-thousand calorie cheeseburger,” said a food-industry expert. “And it comes in a kids’ meal, where the toy is a handgun. We’re doomed.”

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Congress starts new session confident it will pass immigration reform, lose some weight, quit smoking

3 Jun

WASHINGTON—Congress returned from a one-week recess today, vowing that it would put the last few years of dysfunction behind it.

“We’re gonna pass a great immigration bill,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D—Nevada). “Then we’re all going to join gyms and get back to our high-school weight. Everyone’s going to quit smoking. Confidence is high.”

The spirit was bipartisan. “The American people have told us loud and clear that they want us to tackle the nation’s toughest problems,” said House Speaker John Boehner (R—Ohio), working his way through a bucket of KFC. “And as soon as I can fit back into these pants, that’s exactly what I’m going to do, right after we vote again to repeal Obamacare.”

While experts expressed some doubt that Congress would find a way to be productive this session, given its recent track record of stalemate and incompetence, no such naysaying was heard in Washington. “Look, we need to do some serious work,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R—Kentucky). “And we’re totally going to start that in a couple days, right after a few quick hearings on the Obama administration that have no possibility of a meaningful outcome. But right after that.”

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

← Older Entries

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,200 other followers

%d bloggers like this: