Mitt Romney decides not to run in 2016, disappointing tens of supporters across America

31 Jan

BOSTON–Mitt Romney’s decision not to undertake a third presidential campaign has “devastated” the literally tens of supporters across the country who were hoping he would run again, a longtime advisor said.

“There’s a guy in Florida who said he was definitely in for $25 if Mitt would run, and I had a couple folks in Texas who said they were seriously considering voting for him,” said Bill Christiansen, head of the organization Run Mitt Run. “I had some leads in Nevada I was working as well.”

According to Christiansen, there are “literally tens of people all across the country” who will be “heartbroken” at the news.

In a statement, Romney noted that the decision had come after a long discussion with his wife Anne and his ten or twelve sons, including Tagg, Buck, Biff, Hamm, Mutt, Bugg, Doc, Sneezy, Grumpy, and Bashful. They all supported the choice, he said.

Independent research by twissblog turned up another such supporter, a New York woman who would only give her name as “Hillary.” She said, “I think Mitt Romney would be the ideal Republican nominee in the general election.”

Experts agree that Romney’s withdrawal is a positive for the GOP, as it will free up resources for other candidates, such as money and hair products.

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With his political career now behind him, Mitt Romney announced relief that he would no longer have to stand exclusively in front of large American flags.

Yemen launches bid for 2016 US invasion, trailed by Syria, Saudi Arabia, and others

28 Jan

RIYADH–President Obama started a short trip to Saudi Arabia yesterday, congratulating the new Saudi king and also inspecting a shortlist of countries that he is “really excited about” fighting his next war in.

“All the candidate countries are really strong,” said Obama in remarks made here at the airport. “I wish we could invade and occupy all of them.”

At press time, Yemen’s bid was generally agreed to be the strongest, with a powerful mixture of anarchy, humanitarian crisis, and “just the right amount” of terrorist “vibes.” Unfortunately, it is apparently seen as not having enough buildings that will look good blowing up on CNN. Syria’s once-promising candidacy has been weakened by overexposure, lack of a compelling narrative, but is still considered a real contender. Saudi Arabia is considered a dark horse candidate, being an American ally for the time being, while Beijing apparently put in a bid “just because we try to get everything,” a government spokesman said.

The winner will be announced in a disjointed series of self-contradictory press releases and leaks, a White House spokesman said before clarifying that it would be done some other way entirely.

The other purpose of Obama’s trip was to congratulate the new Saudi king, Salman. At age 79, Salman is said to be “vigorous” in the Saudi press, at least by those reporters that were not scheduled for caning.

Mitt Romney campaign pledges to learn from mistakes it made in 2012, like backing Mitt Romney

22 Jan

BOSTON–as Mitt Romney starts to prepare for a third presidential campaign, key advisors and senior staff members have said that they will learn from their critical mistakes in the 2008 and 2012 campaigns.

“So clearly, supporting Mitt was a bad call,” said John Hensling, a Republican pollster and Romney loyalist. “If there’s going to be a Romney 2016, we need to start by choosing someone way better to support.”

Romney agreed that he would have to think more carefully about the campaign’s choice of nominee. “I owe it to the country to give this a third shot,” he said in a casual interview shot inside his money bin. “The only problem, of course, is me.”

Democrats were openly worried at the prospect of a third Romney campaign. “The guy can raise more money than anyone else,” said Stuart Peachmuzzle, a senior advisor to Vice President Joe Biden. “If he launches a campaign, and then Romney 2016 supported someone that the American people don’t, you know, hate, then we could be in trouble.”

Hensling, the Republican pollster, was said to be canvassing ideas for a candidate that the Romney campaign could get behind. “I’ve made a shortlist of electable candidates,” he said to a reporter, trying to hide a cocktail napkin in his hand that had “Hillary Clinton” written on it in Sharpie.

2015/01/img_0081.jpg “We had the money, we had the ground game, we had the nice suit…we were only missing one thing…”

Capitalizing on Democrats’ big midterm win, Obama sets out ambitious agenda in State of the Union

21 Jan

WASHINGTON–President Obama used his State of the Union speech last night to lay out an ambitious agenda for the final two years of his term, planning to capitalize on the Democrats’ massive gains in the 2014 midterm elections.

“With my huge veto-proof majorities in both houses of Congress, we can enact sweeping legislation that will reshape American society for the better,” said Obama. “If the American people didn’t support a progressive agenda, they wouldn’t have given us their votes last November.”

The President’s proposals on education, taxes, and regulation were widely expected. Less anticipated was his proposal to “plant one square in Ted Cruz’s kisser,” although instant polls suggested this initiative had the most popular backing of anything mentioned in his speech.

Closing on a strong note, Obama promised that “the next two years will make it look like we did nothing in the last two years.” Checking his notes, he then clarified that he had indeed done nothing in the last two years.

130212_obama_state_of_union_speaking_ap_605 Midway through his address, the President asked aides if they could get him “a meatball sub, about yea big.”

GOP legislation plans to win votes from Latinos who oppose immigration

15 Jan

WASHINGTON–in a shrewd political move, the House Republican leadership yesterday added several anti-immigrant provisions to a national security bill, seeking to make further inroads with the burgeoning “xenophobic Latino” vote.

“Conventional wisdom says that our party is doomed if we can’t get traction with Hispanics,” said Speaker John Boehner (R–OH). “However, our pollsters found that Latinos who opposed immigration is the fastest-growing group of voters, increasing thirty-three and a third percent in the last two years.” Boehner’s phone then buzzed; after checking it, he added triumphantly, “Make that sixty-six and two-thirds percent.”

“They’ve won me over with their hard line,” said Jose Duarte, 37, a Mexican-American real-estate broker in Houston. “If we let my family members come over the border, they”ll probably just want to live nearby and spend time with me and become productive members of society. Who wants that?”

Boehner promised that “this isn’t the last outreach you’ll see to our colored brothers,” noting that he expected further progress in attracting racist African-Americans as well as women who resented being paid as much as their male colleagues.

Mitt Romney reluctantly bows to American people’s demand that he run again

15 Jan

BOSTON–worn down by the mass rallies, candlelight vigils, and online petitions, Mitt Romney (sort-of-R, MA) today announced that he was willing to bow to public pressure and enter the 2016 presidential race.

“While I had hoped for the quiet life of a private citizen, I cannot ignore the fact that my candidacy has been on the lips of every American in recent months,” said Romney to potential donors.

Jeff Hensel, deputy director of the Idaho branch of We Want Romney Now, was elated to hear the news. “We’ve had almost a thousand people camped out in Finwell Park in Boise for months, all demanding that Romney run again,” he explained. “It was breaking my heart to look into the eyes of these men, women, and children–some as young as six–and tell them that Mitt wasn’t coming.”

Other Republican candidates agreed that the nomination and general election were probably Romney’s for the asking. “From the numbers I’ve seen, almost every political humor blogger is solidly behind a Romney run,” said former Gov. Rick Perry (R–TX). “And they make up about 65% of the population, I think.”

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Romney, wearing a suit made out of good ol’ American money

Boehner threatens to creepy-kiss Democrats until Keystone approved

9 Jan

WASHINGTON–showing a newfound confidence, House Speaker John Boehner (R–OH) today warned Democrats that he would be giving them “super-creepy kisses” every day until the Keystone XL pipeline is approved and signed.

“We have an expanded majority, and I’ve just come from the Georgetown Pizza Hut all-you-can-eat lunch buffet,” said Boehner, speaking at an event to benefit mentally handicapped Republican Senators. “We’re going to use both of those tools to get what we want.”

Having demonstrated the seriousness of his threat on Nancy Pelosi (D–CA), Boehner warned the Democratic leadership that he would “creepy-kiss one of them each day” until the Keystone XL bill is passed and signed by President Obama. “And don’t think you can get away with a veto,” said Boehner, referring to the president. “I’ve got something special planned for you.”

Pelosi was treated for cuts and bruises and taken to the hospital as a precaution. Her chances of survival, previously estimated at 100%, dropped to 40% when the ambulance was diverted to Walter Reed Medical Center.

U.S. House Speaker John Boehner kisses House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, as he holds the gavel after being re-elected speaker on the House floor at the U.S. Capitol in Washington
Boehner plants one on Nancy Pelosi, after threatening her with a giant mallet to make her stand still

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