CUPERTINO—According to the Senate and the IRS, Apple Inc. has avoided paying billions in corporate taxes through a complex web of offshore entities. The IRS quickly spotted the alleged tax evasion after Take Your Daughter to Work Day, when seven-year-old Stacy Milgram held a tea party for the dolls of visiting girls.
“As soon as we saw there was a tea party on campus—boom!” said Former Acting Commissioner Steven Miller, making an explosion gesture with his hands. “Our computers picked it up right away.”
IRS examiners immediately descended on the Cupertino campus, where they took the dolls in for questioning. They also detained a software engineer who was found with a copy of the Tom Clancy novel Patriot Games.
“I think we’ve got everything we came here for,” said Ex-Acting-Commissioner Miller at a press conference held at Apple headquarters. When asked about a large sign behind him pointing towards something called “Apple Secret Tax Evasion Department,” Miller was noncommittal, pointing out that it was probably just some bureaucratic naming convention, and that the IRS lacked the manpower to follow up every little lead that came in.
A Senate panel was due to question Apple CEO Tim Cook today, during which senators were expected to press Cook on how exactly to connect iPhones to their office WiFi.
WASHINGTON—as the Obama administration lurches from disaster to disaster, Congressional Republicans today outlined an ambitious plan to squander their advantage on pointlessly divisive initiatives with no hope of success.
“President Obama has failed to oversee the IRS effectively,” said Sen. Ted Cruz (R—Texas). “Therefore, I plan to propose a constitutional amendment to outlaw homosexuality, now and forever.” Cruz went on to suggest the death penalty for doctors performing abortions and forbidding any gun control of any kind.
Other GOP members were not to be outdone. “I have some serious questions about the Administration’s approach to Benghazi,” said Sen. David Vitter (R—Louisiana). “This makes it the appropriate time to reconsider my law to carve Jesus and Ronald Reagan into Mount Rushmore.”
House Republicans were not ready to move forward as quickly as the Senate. “Before we go proposing any legislation, we need a messy internal fight that alienates the American people,” said House Speaker John Boehner. “I’d like to see some of our truly wacko freshmen and sophomores start just tearing into me, now, while we still have time.”
The White House, in the meantime, unveiled a proposal to take back the initiative by continuing to screw up one cabinet department after another, so that the Republicans can never get the time and attention to put forward their agenda. “You wouldn’t believe what we’ve got planned for the National Park Service,” said a spokesman.
HOUSTON–in a moving speech, House Minority Whip Eric Cantor today revealed that he underwent preventative surgery a few years ago because of his family history of brain cancer.
“These are difficult decisions, and I don’t pretend to know what’s right for everyone,” said Cantor. He then lost his train of thought and spent several minutes staring directly at the sun. A moment later, he sponsored the 37th House vote to repeal Obamacare.
Although Cantor declined to offer specifics, he said that he had had “radical preventative surgery” to prevent an occurrence of the brain cancer that he had seen on an episode of Grey’s Anatomy and which “really scared the bejeezus out of me.” He didn’t give a date for the surgery, although experts noted that in February 2012 Cantor attempted to do a magic trick while being interviewed on Fox News.
“I feel great after the surgery,” said Cantor. “I’m going to recommend it to all my colleagues in the House.”
WASHINGTON—pressure mounted on the White House today as Republican leaders levelled charges that the FBI had “unfairly focused” its efforts on known criminal groups.
“I’m disgusted that the FBI would single out these hard-working, non-law-abiding citizens for scrutiny,” said Sen. Ted Cruz (R—Texas). Cruz went on to paint a vivid picture of “jack-booted men with guns breaking down doors” simply because dangerous fugitives happened to be inside.
The accusation follows the news that the IRS investigated small nonprofit groups with “Tea Party” or “Patriot” in their titles, a move which President Obama has called “exactly the sort of dirty, business-as-usual politics that Democrats would like me to be much better at.”
While the controversy continues to simmer, a bipartisan group of senators proposed a solution under which the FBI and IRS would investigate each other, and the nonprofits would receive complimentary tinfoil hats.
WASHINGTON–pressure mounted on President Obama today as leaked emails show that not only did he replace the consultate’s armed guards with signs saying “Parking for Packers fans only–all others will be sacked,” but at one point he live-broadcast a message to the mob gathering outside, “double-dog-daring” them to storm the building.
“Look, in retrospect, we might do that differently,” said White House spokesman Jay Carney. “Especially the part where the President told them to ‘cowboy up,’ which apparently translates pretty poorly.” Added Carney, “you have to understand that we thought the Packers sign was foolproof–we still don’t know how they got past that one.”
While some called Obama’s actions leading up to the attack on the Benghazi consulate irresponsible, Carney vigorously defended the president. “He made it very clear that, if anything were to happen in Benghazi, he was prepared to exercise his usual decisive leadership.” Pressed for details, Carney explained that militants were warned that Obama “would make an angry televised speech in which he would complain that no one was listening to him.”
Some good news emerged late in the afternoon, when some Republicans started saying that the Benghazi hearings were distracting Congress from important government business. “We haven’t held a meaningless vote to repeal Obamacare in almost three days,” said Eric Cantor.
CHARLESTON—former South Carolina governor Mark Sanford won a special election to his old Congressional seat on Tuesday, only to immediately stoke fears among his constituents by failing to show up for his own victory party.
“I can assure you that Mark is fine,” said spokesman David Wight. “He’s just gone for a long walk up in the mountains.” When a journalist pointed out that there are no mountains in Charleston, Wight spokesman hastily added “I mean, down by the river.” Wight then took a quick phone call and clarified that “Mark is washing his hair.”
Local citizens compared notes and realized that they have not actually seen Sanford since April 11th, several weeks before the special election. Wight explained that Sanford had “a really disorganized closet” and he had been focused on cleaning it out.
When confronted with other absences, Wight became frustrated. “Look, Mark has definitely been around,” he told his audience. “It’s not like he got arrested for trespassing from Montevideo, Uruguay.” Wight looked panicked for a moment, and then added, “of course, he’s not in Montevideo. And if you go looking for him, there’s no point in visiting the Casavalle Hotel in Piedras Blancas. None at all. Especially don’t bother going to Room 302, knocking twice, and asking for ‘Jorge.’ Waste of time.”
WASHINGTON–as evidence mounts that the Syrian government has used chemical weapons in the country’s civil war, President Obama today clarified that his forceful statement that such use would cross a “red line” was not meant to imply that the United States would actually “take any action whatsoever.”
“People read too much into this red-line thing,” said Obama. “I mean, the bus map is covered in red lines. I have some on my tie. It didn’t mean anything.”
Later, Obama complained that “you people think that just because the President makes an unambiguous statement of American policy, he then is supposed to actually do something.”
Asked if there were circumstances under which he would intervene in the Syrian dispute, Obama thought for a moment, and then said that if he had incontrovertible evidence that the government had attacked the United States mainland with nuclear weapons, then “we would certainly have to think about some kind of response.” An aide later clarified that the President had been speaking about sanctions.
Reactions were generally negative. “This guy is some kind of crazy isolationist,” said Senator Rand Paul.