In tough new security procedure, White House will start locking the door

30 Sep

WASHINGTON—after a major security breach this month at the White House, the Secret Service announced today that it would take the aggressive step of locking the front door.

“While we do not wish to overreact to what we think is an isolated incident, we recognize that changes are required,” said Julia Pierson, Director of the Secret Service. “I am therefore directing the Service to start locking the door of the White House, especially when we see crazy people that we’ve caught with hatchets outside.”

Pierson announced that if for any reason a law-abiding citizen found himself or herself locked out of the White House, she would leave a spare key under a small ceramic gnome just off to the left. “Also, if you use the secret ‘Shave and a Haircut’ knock, we’ll open up right away,” she promised.

Pierson said the Secret Service had not yet confirmed rumors of a so-called “backdoor” security problem at the White House. “We have no evidence of that,” said Pierson. “If we do find a back door, you can rest assured we will really seriously consider whether we might want to lock it as well, or at least not oil the hinges so it is really squeaky.”

In feel-good story, American public comes to terms with Haram kidnappings and moves on

29 Sep

NEW YORK—the tragic story of the hundreds of Nigerian girls kidnapped by Boko Haram in May reached a surprising and uplifting conclusion today, as polling showed that the American public had successfully dealt with the upsetting news and was moving on.

“I think we were all worried that Americans would continue to be agitated by this news for months or even years to come,” said David McGiltrick, Professor of Empathy Studies at the University of Texas. “It’s really heart-warming to see that we are all just letting go and moving on with our lives.”

McGiltrick also noted that while some groups continued to be upset by the failure to investigate and return the girls, “including their parents, which I guess is understandable,” almost no one else seemed to care very much at this point.

“It really looked like we were pulling out all the stops,” he said. “People changing their Facebook profile pictures, lots of Twitter activity, even mentions at some sporting events. But at long last, it’s back to business as usual.”

In other news, Michelle Obama explained that when she had demanded justice for the kidnappings, she had “just been messing around with you.”

Happily, images like these “don’t seem to be bothering us” any more, experts say

Obama pledges to defeat ISIS without the use of ground troops, or aid, or extensive diplomacy

24 Sep

NEW YORK—in his speech to the United Nations today, President Obama vowed to “crush ISIS with immediate and overwhelming force,” ruling out nothing except troops on the ground, a lot of money, anything that might expose Americans to risk, or take too much time.

As he noted in his speech, he was willing to use every other tool at his disposal, which include limited airstrikes, angry-sounding speeches, and “the healing power of dance.”

The world leaders in attendance applauded the speech vigorously, noting afterwards in interviews that “it really takes the pressure off us if no one else is doing anything, either.”

A somber-faced spokesman for ISIS noted that periodic US drone strikes on its fighters posed a grave threat to the organization, “because one thing hard to find in the Middle East is a supply of angry young men without much to lose.”

Scotland votes to remain in United Kingdom for the weather and the food

19 Sep

EDINBURGH—after 307 years as part of the United Kingdom, Scotland came close to breaking away as an independent state on Thursday, before voting down secession by a 55-45 margin. In exit polls, Scottish voters cited their admiration for English cuisine, the attractive weather, and a healthy lifestyle as the principal reasons to remain united.

“Sure, I’d like to be independent,” said Angus McNae of Glasgow, minutes after casting his ballot. “But we would have to build our own dysfunctional multiparty system to replace the one we have now—it just doesn’t make sense.”

Alex Salmond, First Minister of Scotland and head of the Scottish National Party, made a lengthy concession speech, which unfortunately was completely unintelligible to journalists in attendance, but might have said something about freedom, or possibly something fried. It was very hard to tell.

Official reaction to the vote was muted. Officials of the Assembly of Newly Created Sovereign States expressed disappointment that Scotland would not be joining their group soon. “We just don’t understand why more countries don’t want to be like us,” said representatives of Kosovo, East Timor, and South Sudan.

IMG_0052-0.JPGScotland lost its independence in 1707 when its entire army deserted en masse to the English rather than “listen to those goddam bagpipes for one more goddam minute”

NFL controversy deepens as Jacksonville Jaguars travel to Syria to fight for ISIS

13 Sep

NEW YORK–the NFL, already set by concerns over brain health and domestic violence, found its troubles growing today, as the entire roster of the Jacksonville Jaguars travelled to Syria this morning to fight for ISIS.

“Obviously, I’m as disappointed as anyone that the entire Jaguars organization has joined a murderous terrorist group,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. “With a heavy heart, I am going to suspend the players involved for the next two games.”

The motivations for the Jaguars for joining the civil war in Syria and Iraq were not entirely clear. QB Chad Henne posted a video on YouTube of himself burning his passport and pledging that he would fight until the entire Middle East was ruled by a new caliphate, “at which point we look forward to coming back and delivering some great Jaguars football for our fans.”

The NFL owners, as a sign of their grave displeasure, announced that they would cut Goodell’s pay this year to no more than a million billion zillion dollars.

Rob Ford’s brother to run for Toronto mayor, pledging to be leader “for all different kinds of drugs, not just crack”

13 Sep

TORONTO–responding to the public’s overwhelming demand for more members of the Ford family to be involved in Toronto politics, Doug Ford today announced that he would run for mayor of the city. In his press conference, he promised a departure from his brother Rob’s approach to leadership, saying that he would “be the leader for all different kinds of drugs,” eschewing Rob’s focus just on crack cocaine and alcohol.

“For too long, this city’s leadership has neglected heroin, crystal meth, prescription painkillers, even simple weed,” said Doug Ford to a capacity crowd of reporters who had come to laugh at him. “I promise to be filmed in a much wider variety of compromising positions going forward.”

Rob Ford said that with a heavy heart, he was not going to run for re-election. “I wish I didn’t have to choose between my two great loves, being mayor and smoking crack,” he said. “But if I’m going to pursue my lifelong dream of being strung out pretty much 24/7, then I think the city council is a better place for me.”

Rob Ford will be running for council in a district that his nephew has agreed to vacate in order to pursue his own personal dream of sitting around and doing not very much.

NFL can’t remember whether it has kicked off the season or not

8 Sep

NEW YORK—citing short-term memory loss, the NFL today admitted that it couldn’t remember whether the 2014 football season had started last weekend or not.

“I’m embarrassed to admit this, because we like to think of ourselves as tough guys, but no one here in the building can remember whether we played games over the weekend,” said Roger Goodell, speaking to reporters. “Also, if anyone knows where I parked my car, can you please let me know?”

Goodell denied that NFL management’s memory issues and headaches could have stemmed from repeated blows to the head. “Who said anything about concussions?” asked Goodell, when no one had said anything about concussions. “I don’t even know what that means.”

An NFL staffer later clarified that Goodell genuinely was not sure what the word meant. “He’s all headache-y today, and he’s not remembering well,” said the aide. “At least, that’s what I wrote down here on my arm with a Sharpie.”

Goodell also noted that he couldn’t remember what stiff punishment he had given Ray Rice on his domestic violence charge. “I’m sure it was really harsh, though,” said Goodell.


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