NEW YORK–in a shocking twist to the Cecil the Lion story, Donald Trump revealed today that the beloved animal was actually lured out of a game park and killed by 3.4 million Mexican rapists, and not by a Minneapolis dentist.
“I have conclusive proof that Cecil the Lion’s death was directly attributable to our broken border policies,” said Trump, waving a piece of paper in his hand that turned out to be a Vitamix receipt. “If President Obama had the courage to build my proposed laser robot army, Cecil would be alive today.”
Trump had a ready explanation for how Cecil’s killer could actually be millions of Mexicans, when it has been widely reported that a dentist named Dr. Walter Palmer shot Cecil with a crossbow and then chased him for two days. “The Mexicans were wearing a very clever disguise,” explained Trump, speaking in front of an excited crowd of employees.
Mexican president Enrique Pena Nieto was disgusted by Trump’s claims. “This man is a clown, and he has no business running a coffee shop, let alone running for president,” said Nieto in a televised address.
Trump was unrepentant, displaying frame grabs from Nieto’s video and pointing to a small tuft on the desk behind him. “Looks like lion hair to me,” he said.