Obama tries to think of something nice to say about Antonin Scalia

13 Feb

WASHINGTON–twenty-four hours after the death of Justice Antonin Scalia, President Obama was still trying to think of nice things to say about him, sources close to the White House say.

“Justice Scalia was always someone you knew existed, even when you didn’t call him or talk to him for years on end,” said the President in an official statement. “He showed up for work, and owned a black robe like the other justices.”

Speaking later in the day, Obama added that “he lived in a house,” and also that “he apparently enjoyed Italian food, which I also like, although we probably liked different specific dishes, if I have to guess.”

“No one who knew Antonin will ever forget that his name was always a little tricky to spell if you weren’t thinking about it,” said Obama in closing. “And I think that may be his legacy to us all.”

  
“Without a doubt, Justice Scalia had reasonably flexible fingers,” said Obama.

Hillary Clinton wins New Hampshire Republican primary

10 Feb

NASHUA, New Hampshire–Hillary Clinton took a big step forward today on her path to the White House, with a decisive win in the Republican primary in New Hampshire.

“I’m delighted to see that we are closer than ever to making history,” Clinton told rapturous well-wishers in a hotel ballroom here.

Despite a crushing defeat in the Democratic primary, the only one in which her name appeared on the ballot, Clinton was reported to be delighted at the Republican results, which saw Donald Trump on top of a fragmented group of establishment candidates, making it ever-less-likely that she will face a credible contender next year in the general election.

Marco Rubio under sedation after repeating Obama sound bite two hundred times in a row

7 Feb

DOVER, New Hampshire–in a stunning turn of events, Sen. Marco Rubio (R–FL) was admitted today to Dover Medical Center, reportedly suffering from a fugue state in which he was only able to repeat the same thirty-second sound bite about President Obama in response to all questions.
After last night’s presidential debate, the candidate’s wife, Jeanette Rubio, became concerned after they met in the hotel room and she asked if he had accidentally picked up her toothbrush instead of his own.
“That’s the problem with Barack Obama. It isn’t inexperience; it’s ideology,” said her husband.
A concerned Jeanette Rubio summoned aides, who attempted to get Rubio to snap out of his trance-like state by asking basic questions about the Miami Dolphins and the University of Florida, only to be told that Barack Obama has deliberately led the United States to this point.
After Rubio repeated the comment an additional hundred times, he was taken by ambulance to the hospital, where he was being kept in an induced coma, in which the only signs of consciousness are fluttering eyelids and a well-articulated three-point plan.

Jeb Bush’s support from Latino Republicans in New Hampshire plummets from 66.66% to 33.33%

4 Feb

NASHUA, New Hampshire–the struggling presidential campaign of Jeb Bush took another blow today when polls showed that his support from Latino Republicans living in New Hampshire had fallen precipitously. This has called into question his so-called “Hispanic strategy” as a path to victory.

“Look, we were never going to get Maria,” said David Smith, Bush’s Director of Latino Outreach, referring to Maria Aleman, a second-generation Colombian-American living in Portsmouth. “She’s committed to Rubio. But I thought we had Hector Tamalpais locked up. I don’t know what happened.”

Tamalpais, reached at his home in Dover, explained that “I don’t know; I’m just not really feeling good about Jeb any more.” He said that he was increasingly drawn to John Kasich, “although I like Christie, too.”

Smith said he felt “very confident” that the third Latino Republican, Jose Aznar, “was solidly for us,” and went on to note that “33.33% of any group is an impressive result.”

“Look, this thing might end up in a tie,” said Smith. “If Jeb finishes equal-first among Latinos, and eighth among non-Latinos, who’s really to say who won New Hampshire?”

GOP proposes new debate format, in which people line up and punch Ted Cruz in the face

28 Jan

NEW YORK–with tonight’s Republican presidential primary debate facing uncertainty after Donald Trump’s refusal to participate, GOP Chairman Reince Priebus today suggested an alternative format, “which will consist of people just lining up and then getting to punch Ted Cruz in the face.”

Priebus outlined the proposed approach in an impromptu forty-minute press conference here, most of which consisted of him describing in loving detail what it would be like to punch Ted Cruz in the face.

“And we’ll let anyone in. Other candidates, their families, kids, anyone. A line out the back of the auditorium. And Ted getting punched over, and over, and over,” concluded Priebus, repeating “and over” an additional sixty times before an aide gently led him away by the arm.

In a surprising move, Priebus also used the speech to endorse Donald Trump, nemesis of the GOP establishment, as the best hope of stopping Cruz. Priebus then went on to also endorse Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, Benito Mussolini, “and anyone else who can take Ted down a notch.”

Trump, who is vying neck-and-neck with Cruz for victory in the Iowa caucauses next week, released a devastating new anti-Cruz ad today, titled “Get a load of this guy” and consisting of various photos and short videos of Cruz.

  
If elected, Ted cruz pledges to poke every single American in the chest while making a point.

Michigan governor apologizes profusely for Flint water crisis, explains he “had no idea” white people lived there

27 Jan

FLINT, Michigan—Gov. Rick Snyder (R) today issued another lengthy apology for the unsafe water in Flint, explaining that his administration “had no idea that white people lived here, too.”
 

Speaking in front of reporters, Snyder vowed that he would not rest until the quality of the tap water improved and until “we figured out exactly how this whole fiasco came to be.”

 

Snyder said that as a result of preliminary investigations, it appeared that a staffer “had said that Flint was mostly populated by African-Americans, but when the meeting notes got transcribed, the ‘mostly’ was dropped, and we just went forward on that assumption.”

 

“Obviously,” said Snyder, “if we’d known there were white people in Flint, we would have acted much more quickly to rectify the situation.”

 

Snyder did note that copper is worth approximately two dollars per pound and lead is worth seventy-five cents, “but you people have been getting them both for free.”

 

  

Snyder went on to promise all affected residents a “really big” submarine sandwich as compensation. 

God worried that blizzards, earthquakes “too subtle” as forms of communication

25 Jan

HEAVEN—only two days after sending an enormous blizzard to pummel the East Coast of the United
States, God is increasingly concerned that relying primarily on natural disasters to send messages is “too subtle” for modern humankind, according to sources close to Him.
 

“This has been a problem on and off for a while,” said a longtime associate, who asked not to be named in keeping with God’s policy of not commenting directly to journalists. “He drops an earthquake because He isn’t happy with the new season of Downton Abbey, and everyone thinks He’s pulling for Bernie Sanders. It’s enough to drive you nuts.”

 

The associate of God’s also said He was incredulous at how mortals tried to spin direct divine intervention to mean something that “it clearly doesn’t mean.” For example, “I can see rain or thunder cutting both ways—but a plague of locusts? There is no way a plague of locusts is an endorsement. I mean, come on.”

 

At press time, God was reportedly trying to decide between sending messages in the rustling of the leaves and the sighing of the wind, or as an alternative, just picking up the darn phone and calling people directly.
  
God was just getting excited about his DraftKings entry, but Jessica turned down Tim’s marriage proposal anyway.

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