Ted Cruz launches presidential campaign, promising to reveal the truth about fluoride and faked moon landings

23 Mar

LYNCHBURG, VA–Senator Ted Cruz (R–TX) officially launched his bid for the Republican presidential nomination here today, promising to be a leader “for paranoid Americans of all races and creeds” and to reveal the truth about fluoride (“think tiny radio transmitters in your teeth”) and the JFK assassination (“ever wonder why Elvis Presley had no scheduled events that day?”).

Members of the press were not invited due to limited space in the bunker, but according to a transcript of his remarks, Cruz promised that he would not rest until he had repealed health-care reform, abolished the Federal Reserve, abolished the IRS, burned Washington, DC, to the ground, and was leading a small band of survivors through the ruins of America, shooting down zombies as they search for a cure. His campaign later released a clarifying statement that Cruz does not actually believe the zombie apocalypse is imminent, “as the ATF, FEMA, and the NOAA have all the zombies secure in a lab deep beneath the so-called Rocky Mountains.”

Addressing a likely source of criticism from his core constituents, Cruz explained that he does not need to wear a tinfoil hat to foil the CIA’s mind-control rays because of a special skull-thickening solution technique he applies daily. “Anything on Fox News will work, but I particularly recommend Bill O’Reilly,” he said.

A spokesman from the campaign was unavailable for comment because he had faked his own death and gone underground to avoid government surveillance.

 

Ted Cruz also revealed that he can hold his breath for up to forty-five minutes to avoid inhaling DOJ nanobot drones during Senate hearings 

Russian public relieved as Vladimir Putin reappears after weeklong absence, now eight inches taller and left-handed

16 Mar

MOSCOW—after a mysterious absence of over a week, Russian President Vladimir Putin today reappeared in public. The Russian ruling class and public were relieved to see that he was in fine health, although a few observers did point out that he was now significantly taller, wrote with his left hand, and now seemed unable to speak fluently in his native tongue.

 

“My fellow Russians,” said Putin in Russian. “I am very much pleased to again be the presidenting of such a fanciful country. Many felines go with you.”

 

In a press conference with the president of Kazakhstan, Putin also switched to English, not a language he has traditionally spoken, to plug his new movie “Rock the Kasbah.” Said Putin, “it’s going to be epic.”

 

Putin’s absence from public view for eleven days created a number of rumors that he was unwell, or had been deposed in a coup. However, his reappearance immediately put those rumors to rest, despite the fact that he did not seem to recognize any of his long-time staff members, and also that he expressed in English the desire to “get my check and get out of here.”




Putin reported feeling “great”

Russian investigators conclude Boris Nemtsov shot himself eight times in the back

9 Mar

MOSCOW–one week after Russian opposition leader Boris Nemtsov was killed a few hundred feet from the Kremlin, investigators announced today that they have cracked the case, proving conclusively that it was suicide.

“Based on witness testimony, we now know that Nemtsov shot himself eight times in the back, and then, when he was down on the pavement, savagely stabbed himself several more times,” said Col. Yuri Lukashinsky, a senior investigator with the Moscow police. “We believe his intention was to throw himself in the trunk of a car and drive his own body out to the woods, somewhere, but he became aware of passersby and was unable to complete his plan.”

Lukashinsky said that a critical witness, known only as “VP,” was a few hundred feet away and saw everything.

“This confidential witness’s testimony was incredibly compelling,” said the policeman. “Not only did I believe everything he said, but I found myself persuaded that he had a greatness, a personal genius, that could be the salvation of Russia, and indeed that only he could prevent our Western enemies from encircling and destroying us.”

VP’s identity is being shielded to maintain the impartiality of the investigation.

According to Lukashinsky, no firm motive for Nemtsov’s suicide has been established. “However, we are looking closely into allegations that he was distraught over his failure to love the Motherland sufficiently,” said Lukashinsky. “Either that, or it was an accident.”



An unidentified young man reported seeing the whole thing.

Seeking to clear up email controversy, Hillary Clinton holds town-hall meeting at undisclosed location

6 Mar

[REDACTED]–as controversy grows over Hillary Clinton’s refusal to use government email systems while Secretary of State, the presidential candidate has scheduled an open-attendance town-hall meeting to “clear the air,” at a location that will not be shared with the public.

“We’d like the public to have a chance to hear directly from Hillary on these and other issues,” said a spokesman. “We’re going to throw the doors open and let all comers ask anything they want, if they can just figure out where we are.”

The spokesman went on to say that for “operational and strategic reasons,” the campaign wouldn’t be more specific other than to say that the meeting would take place somewhere in the continental United States, perhaps “at an eating establishment of some kind, or maybe an actual hall or room or something.”

Clinton, who has had trouble in the past with an apparent penchant for secrecy, issued a statement that began “Dear Friends,” followed by six pages of blacklining and then a request for money.

New GOP majority successfully implements long-term fiscal vision; unclear what will happen next week

2 Mar

WASHINGTON–fresh off a convincing victory in the 2014 midterms, the Republican Party has added to its momentum by passing legislation that “will put this country on a long-term path of fiscal sustainability for the entire rest of the week,” said Speaker John Boehner (R-OH).

“There were those who said the Republicans couldn’t exercise power responsibly,” said Boehner. “And to those critics, I point to the full seven days of funding we’ve just provided to Homeland Security.”

The eleventh-hour deal comes after a revolt from the Republican Party’s right wing nearly led to a partial government shutdown, reducing border security by placing thousands of Homeland Security staff on furlough. “We thought that was the most responsible way to make our point about mature government,” said Rep. Raul Labrador (R-ID), leader of the Generally Angry About Something Caucus. “Next, we’re going to tell all our soldiers to lie down with their eyes closed, until Obama defunds Obamacare.”

Addressing the one-week extension of Homeland Security funding, President Obama tried to look grave, but spent most of the press conference chuckling. “I love these guys,” he said.

According to Boehner, “Shutting down the government has been so successful for us in the past, we figured why not try it again?”

Russian opposition leader murdered; Vladimir Putin vows “vigorous investigation” to find out whom he ordered to do it

28 Feb

MOSCOW–prominent Russian opposition leader Boris Nemtsov was murderer earlier today in Moscow, only a few hundred yards from the Kremlin. Hours later, Russian President Vladimir Putin promised to identify the killers, “even if it means going through all my old emails to do so.”

“I promise to find the real killers, no matter what it takes,” Putin vowed. “I’ve already been through all my credit-card statements, and it isn’t on there, but now I’m going to go through all the pockets of all my pants.”

Nemtsov, a one-time rising star in Russian politics in the 1990s, was by far the most prominent dissident to be murdered so far this week.

The Russian police said they were “very close” to making an arrest, noting that the murder was probably committed by “someone who was in Moscow yesterday or today.” Combined with the observation that it was unlikely to have been committed by a young child or an invalid, the police reported that they were narrowing in on a few million suspects.

The Kremlin offered the suggestion that Nemtsov might have been killed for reasons unrelated to his role in opposition politics. “For example,” said Putin, “I understand he was way behind on his cable bill.”

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I can’t hear you, because this gun keeps making loud shooting noises.

Jeb Bush undecided whether to lose in the primary or in the general election

25 Feb

MIAMI—former Governor Jeb Bush (R-FL) today announced that he was launching a new Presidential exploratory committee which will help him decide whether to stay in the center, and lose in the Republican primary, or to move to the right, secure the nomination, and lose to Hillary Clinton in the general election.

“This is a very difficult decision,” said Bush. “While I plan to spend 2017 giving speeches and writing my memoirs after a crushing defeat, I have yet to decide when I would like to see the whole thing go down the crapper.”

Pundits have been watching Bush’s public statements carefully to determine whether he intends to alienate the lunatic fringe through common-sense positions on immigration and fiscal policy, or whether he intends to alienate the average American with weird homophobic and quasi-racist comments.

“For the last few months, we’ve all thought he was going to flame out Huntsman-style, based on his record,” said one well-known pundit. “But then he started sounding crazy and talking about how the Fed is going to take away our guns, and we figured he was making a play for New Hampshire. And then he told some folks that the CIA had put transmitters inside his molars, and we figured that was in there for the Ames straw poll.”

Bush has promised his network of supporters he would make a decision about the kind of disaster he is looking for by the middle of the summer.

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