MOSCOW–hours after the Ukrainian government released video of elite Russian paratroopers captured outside Donetsk, Russian President Vladimir Putin said that the crack soldiers “probably just got lost and wandered over the border.”
“It is easy to see how it would happen,” said Putin. “You’re out for some drinks, you’re wandering around, you accidentally scale four barbed-wire fences, tiptoe through a minefield, and drug a pack of German shepherds, and then you look up and–BAM–you’re in Ukraine without even realizing it.”
Putin also said that documents found on the soldiers, titled “Secret Plans for the Invasion of Ukraine by the Russian Military, Personally Approved by Vladimir Putin” were actually just copies of the class schedule for the Khabarovsk Yoga and Fitness Studio, and that the title and detailed plans and maps were just a “typo.”
“They probably have a secretary over at Khabarovsk Yoga and Fitness who dropped something on her keyboard, and those were the random letters that were typed as a result,” explained Putin.
Finally, Putin explained that the fifteen thousand Russian soldiers streaming across the border shouting “Victory or Death!” this morning were just looking for a bathroom.