Mike Huckabee announces press conference to give an update on scheduling a press conference

21 Apr

NEW YORK–all the major networks yesterday interrupted their normal programming to broadcast a special announcement from former Gov. Mike Huckabee (R–AR), who told the nation that he would be making a special announcement on April 27 to update the nation on when he would schedule another special announcement.

“The decision to run for–I mean, whatever decision I might be about to make–is not one that should be taken lightly,” said Huckabee. “And that’s why I’m going to keep you closely informed about when I will schedule announcements about the announcements.”

Huckabee rocketed to slightly less obscurity in January when he published a new campaign memoir entitled “God, Guns, Grits, Splitting the Evangelical Vote and Handing the Nomination to Jeb, and Gravy.” As of Tuesday morning, it was ranked #5,053 on Amazon, still well behind that book on sex with werewolves.

Sources close to the not-yet-campaign report that Huckabee plans to run on a detailed platform of Tellin’ It Like It Is, Kickin’ Butt, and Makin’ America Great Again. He also plans to appeal to the working-class white vote by reducing the tax rate for incomes over $500,000.

 Huckabee also plans to announce the scheduling of a press conference to let America know when he will choose his official campaign photo.

 

New Hampshire diner patron pleads with Republican candidates to leave him alone

19 Apr

CONCORD, NH–Jeff Wilcox, a 54-year-old mechanic who likes to have breakfast at Ray’s Diner, issued a statement today asking Republican presidential candidates to “stop bothering me while I’m trying to have breakfast.”

“While I am flattered by all the attention, I ask each of you to respect my privacy during these next several months,” Wilcox’s statement read.

According to Wilcox, he can rarely get through his standard order of a cheese omelet and Ray’s famous bottomless mug of coffee without some GOP hopeful bounding over, asking him a polite “but totally insincere” question about his family, and then promising to change the way Washington works.

The diner’s owner, Ray Scoggins, agreed that GOP candidates were becoming a problem. He said he was working on a humane no-kill solution, constructing a fake diner across the street with sticky floors. “It’s strictly catch-and-release,” said Scoggins. “We set them free in their natural habitat, the green room at Fox.”

  

Americans about ready for baseball season to be over

15 Apr

NEW YORK—as early April stretches into mid-April, most Americans are now saying they’ve had about enough baseball for the year.

“I mean, I love spring training, Opening Day, all of that,” said David Landry, filing out of another Yankees loss this afternoon. “But it just seems like this season’s been going on forever. I’m about ready to be done, you know?”

“I’m just tired of seeing it everywhere—bars, the gym, in the kitchen at work—and I just figure we must be almost through with this,” said Tammira Philippe, who barely looked up as someone in a uniform hit a bloop single. “I just think however many games we’ve had—what is it, seven, eight? It’s too many.”

Major League Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred responded to the comments with understanding, and said that baseball was looking into ways to keep the game interesting, such as not playing baseball as much.

broken bat
To make the game more interesting, players will have to use angled bats on weekends.

Hillary Clinton launches presidential campaign with inspiring slogan: “Because you don’t have a choice”

13 Apr

NEW YORK—ending months of speculation, Hillary Clinton formally launched her presidential campaign yesterday. Speaking in a short video, she reminded Democratic primary voters that “it’s my turn, and you don’t really have a choice, do you?”

While stirring patriotic music played in the background, Clinton spoke directly into the camera. “What are you going to do, draft Joe Biden?” she asked. “Vote for Martin O’Malley? Come on.”

Later, a spokesman explained that “the most successful presidential candidates are the ones with a sense of entitlement, who take it for granted” and that “a little taunting the voters never hurt anyone.”

Experts agree that Hillary’s greatest challenge is to explain why voters should elect her President, and she tackled this question head-on in the video, addressing the camera and explaining that “I really, really want to be President, and I’ve been waiting a long time, and so you have to vote for me.”

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“Come on. Who else are you going to vote for? Chris Dodd?”

Noted libertarian entertainer RuPaul launches campaign for Republican presidential nomination

9 Apr

NEW YORK—in a surprising move, famous drag queen RuPaul announced on Tuesday that he was entering the Republican primary, becoming the second declared candidate after Sen. Ted Cruz (R—TX).

RuPaul, the Tea Party darling, is noted for his outspoken small-government views, isolationist foreign policy, and longstanding career in drag, announced that “this is not a campaign for me, but for all Americans who feel oppressed by the long arm of government, who just want to live their lives alone, holed up in their bunkers with their dog, guns, and canned food.”

While many had expected Sen. Rand Paul (R—KY) to enter the race, RuPaul explained that “Rand and I talked it over, and we both agreed that I’m a lot more in the mainstream than he is.”

Libertarian supporters noted that they felt “more confident than ever,” pointing out that Atlas Shrugged was currently #1,282 on the Amazon bestseller list, just behind A Wolf’s Desire, which is about sex with werewolves.

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Known for his fierce opposition to the Federal Reserve

Jeb Bush identifies as Hispanic on voter registration form; immediately deports self

7 Apr

TALLAHASSEE—Jeb Bush, who admitted yesterday that he had mistakenly identified himself as Hispanic on a 2009 voter-registration form, today announced that he was making good on his campaign platform and immediately deporting himself.

“Me refiero a lo que digo, y digo lo que quiero decir,” said Bush at a hastily called press conference in Matamoros, Mexico, where he unceremoniously dumped himself shortly after 6am this morning. “Tenemos demasiados los hispanos en los Estados Unidos ya , y yo vamos a hacer nada en mi poder para reducir su número.”

“Aunque me reservo el derecho de modificar mi posición después de la elección primaria,” he added.

Bush immediately gained six points in a Fox News/Tinfoil Hat poll of likely Republican primary voters.

“This is the kind of gutsy leadership we need,” said Bill O’Reilly later in the morning. “Here you have a guy who hasn’t had a job in eight years and who wants the federal government to fund his lifestyle going forward—deportation doesn’t get clearer than that. And extra points for having the guts to kick out a US citizen who has every legal right to be here.”

The scandal has also swept up fellow Republican Rand Paul, who apparently affirmed in a 2011 voter-registration form that he was of “sound mind” and able to exercise the vote responsibly.

Jeb Bush
“Por lo menos me acordé de votar ese año , a diferencia de 2008″

Netanyahu demands tougher Iran nuclear deal, also seeks weight loss without diet or exercise

6 Apr

JERUSALEM—denouncing the US-Iranian nuclear accord as just a “Band-Aid solution,” Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu today demanded a series of changes in the deal to make it more acceptable.

“First,” said Netanyahu, “the Iranian government must cease all nuclear activity, and have all its nuclear equipment taken away.\

“Second, the Iranian government must resign in disgrace and go into exile, and the Iranian people must be able to choose their government freely in democratic elections, and they must choose a center-right government that strongly supports Israel.

“Third, we must be given a realistic plan to lose thirty pounds in thirty days, without changing our diet or exercising.

“Lastly, I want a pony.”

When reporters asked Netanyahu what the Iranian government would receive in exchange for these concessions, he grinned, and in a dramatic gesture held up a fistful of 2-for-1 drink coupons at the Tel Aviv Chili’s. “Any more questions?”

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The Israeli PM, moments after being told that snacks would not be served at the press conference

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