LYNCHBURG, VA–Senator Ted Cruz (R–TX) officially launched his bid for the Republican presidential nomination here today, promising to be a leader “for paranoid Americans of all races and creeds” and to reveal the truth about fluoride (“think tiny radio transmitters in your teeth”) and the JFK assassination (“ever wonder why Elvis Presley had no scheduled events that day?”).
Members of the press were not invited due to limited space in the bunker, but according to a transcript of his remarks, Cruz promised that he would not rest until he had repealed health-care reform, abolished the Federal Reserve, abolished the IRS, burned Washington, DC, to the ground, and was leading a small band of survivors through the ruins of America, shooting down zombies as they search for a cure. His campaign later released a clarifying statement that Cruz does not actually believe the zombie apocalypse is imminent, “as the ATF, FEMA, and the NOAA have all the zombies secure in a lab deep beneath the so-called Rocky Mountains.”
Addressing a likely source of criticism from his core constituents, Cruz explained that he does not need to wear a tinfoil hat to foil the CIA’s mind-control rays because of a special skull-thickening solution technique he applies daily. “Anything on Fox News will work, but I particularly recommend Bill O’Reilly,” he said.
A spokesman from the campaign was unavailable for comment because he had faked his own death and gone underground to avoid government surveillance.
Ted Cruz also revealed that he can hold his breath for up to forty-five minutes to avoid inhaling DOJ nanobot drones during Senate hearings