ROSEBURG, Oregon—after another senseless massacre left ten people dead at Umpqua Community College, the leaders of the Republican Party came together to propose a path forward to prevent future campus shootings.
“There are just too many campuses in America today,” said Kevin McCarthy, the likely next Speaker of the House of Representatives. “It’s too easy for evildoers to find a campus and use it to perpetrate these horrible crimes. It’s just common sense that we have to do something about this.”
The Republican plan, which has not yet been fully fleshed out into legislation yet, would propose an amnesty and buyback, during which time universities and colleges that owned campuses would be able to exchange them for “state-of-the-art bunkers with broadband access,” from which professors could provide remote instruction to students.
“There have been too many senseless deaths due to the proliferation of schools and colleges,” said McCarthy. “It’s time we took the tools for mass slaughter out of the hands of the bad guys.”
ROSEBURG, Oregon—another senseless tragedy occurred yesterday when a well-regulated militia stormed the campus of Umpqua Community College here, killing ten people.
“It’s sad, but there will always be crazy people out there,” said Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA), the presumptive next Speaker of the House of Representatives. “I wish we could have done something, but this guy was necessary to the security of a free state.”
In London, UK Prime Minister David Cameron expressed his condolences, but also noted that if Chris Harper Mercer hadn’t had easy access to all six of the guns he used in the massacre, “we would probably come back over there and oppress you guys.” He shrugged. “I’d like to say we wouldn’t, but we probably would.”
Families of the dead students released a joint statement to the press saying that “at least our loved ones died for a good reason, propping up the revenues of the firearms industry.”
ROME—in a surprising turn of events, the Vatican confirmed today that Pope Francis met with noted anti-human-rights activist Kim Davis during his recent trip. In addition, he attended a Confederate flag rally, ran over an old lady with the Popemobile, and robbed two liquor stores in downtown Washington, D.C.
“His Holiness believes in respecting the power of civil disobedience,” said a Vatican spokesman. “Also, he just likes to raise hell.”
Many Americans who admire Francis were shocked to learn of his many previously undisclosed activities. “I really like what Francis says about focusing on charity and compassion,” said David Richter, a bartender in New York. “That’s why I was so surprised when he ducked into our place, grabbed the tip jar, and ran.”
The Vatican justified the decision to meet with Davis, explaining that “the Holy Father believes we should all stand up for our conscience.” A spokesman went on to add that “in the case of Kim Davis, also, he just sort of thought it would be a hoot.”
WASHINGTON–Kevin McCarthy (R-CA), the No. 2 House Republican and current favorite to replace John Boehner, promised today that if elected Speaker, he would carry out all of his duties from “a secret bunker somewhere in northern Idaho.”
The pledge immediately bought him some goodwill among members of the Tea Party. “I was suspicious that Kevin might be another appeaser, because he’s never spent time in prison for threatening to blow up the Capitol, but I like this bunker thing,” said Jim Jordan (R-OH), chair of the Freedom Caucus and possible candidate for speaker himself. “I sent him some photos of mine to give him decorating tips.”
McCarthy has pledged that as Speaker, he will hide in the bunker, living exclusively off canned goods, and at no point engage in any discussions with any politicians on any topics whatsoever or support any legislation. “It’s a start,” said Jordan. “We’d like to get a list of the guns, though.”
Rep. Steve Scalise (R-LA), a rival of McCarthy’s, dismissed the bunker pledge as “weak,” asking “what’s Kevin going to do when the United Nations invades Idaho to disarm freedom-loving patriots?” Scalise promised that he would fulfill his duties of speaker from a secret submarine operating only in “freedom-loving red-state waters,” like in the Terminator movies. He also apologized again for his infamous 2002 speech to a group of white supremacists, saying that when he had agreed to address the group, he didn’t know that it had recently endorsed a small tax increase to pay for local schools.
McCarthy standing in front of lead-lined American flags, which help keep airborne fluoride out of his precious bodily fluids
WOLFSBURG, Germany—Matthias Müller, the newly appointed CEO of Volkswagen, apologized again for the emissions-cheating scandal, calling it “absolutely the most dark and embarrassing era in our company history, absolutely.”
“We all feel just terrible about this,” said Müller. “Believe me when I say at no point whatsoever in our, whatever it is, 70-ish-year corporate history is there anything else like this that we should feel as ashamed about.”
A quick search on Google where twissblog investigative reporters decided to not scroll down past the first result confirmed Müller’s story.
“I can’t imagine what could be worse than this, and neither can you,” he added.
Ferdinand Porsche, one of the early leaders of Volkswagen, with some totally ordinary Germans, obviously none of whom are in any kind of uniform or anything, just regular people, probably.
ANTLER, North Dakota—for the past twenty-four hours, nervous residents of this small town only two miles from Canada have been stocking up on guns, ammunition, and night-vision goggles. The flurry of activity comes on the heels of Scott Walker ending his presidential campaign—and with it, the last candidate from either party willing to take on the never-ending flow of dangerous Canadians streaming across the border.
“Scott was the only one with the guts to stand up and say we need a giant wall to keep these moose-loving, health-care-providing criminals out,” said Matt Spanjers, who was working behind the counter at Tennyson’s Garage. “You come back five years from now, it’s all going to be poutine and Molson’s here. No room for Americans left in their own country.”
Walker’s promise to build a wall across the Canadian border was widely considered an overreaction to Donald Trump’s promise to build a wall along the border with Mexico, but Spanjers, who has been organizing citizen militias to patrol the border, knows better. “Scott knew those Canadians were up to something. It’s quiet up there–too quiet.”
Not everyone was sorry to see Walker’s candidacy end. ISIS sent out a triumphant tweet, expressing its relief that “we won’t have to suffer the same tactics Gov. Walker used against Wisconsin’s public-sector unions,” a pledge he made in the first Republican debate in August.
The American flag still flies above the Antler Fire Department–for now.
WOLFSBURG, Germany—in a crisis that threatens the entire company, Volkswagen’s emissions-control software was discovered to have been cheating. The cheating was discovered as a result of the hack of the website Ashley Madison, where the software apparently kept four separate profiles, all registered to its work address.
“I can’t tell you how ashamed I am to have let you all down,” the designer of the so-called “defeat device” said in a press conference yesterday. “There is no excuse for my actions, and I ask the press to respect our privacy as the EPA and I try to rebuild our relationship.”
On Ashley Madison, according to the information recently released as part of the hack of the infidelity website, the defeat device went primarily by the handle “2big4U” and listed its turn-ons as “roleplay, spanking, and selectively changing the fuel mix in diesel combustion.”
Volkswagen CEO Martin Winterkorn apologized for “poor judgment” and vowed to do “everything he could” to make things right, “short of going to jail, or paying a fine that would have a material impact on our company, or on me personally.”
One of the many nude engine photos the defeat device apparently exchanged on Ashley Madison