OKLAHOMA CITY–in a feel-good moment gone wrong, local officials here today badly botched the state’s traditional Thanksgiving execution of a condemned turkey, leading to a grim scene of “flapping and squawking” at the State Kitchen today.
“Stuff happens,” said Gov. Mary Fallin (R), “We shouldn’t let one little setback disrupt our quest to find new and innovative ways of killing things.”
According to the state chef’s official inquiry, the condemned turkey seemed to be conscious for a “considerable period of time” after it was supposed to be sedated. The state’s “lethal cocktail” for turkeys consists of cutting each bird’s head off and refrigerating it for up to a week; the report said it was unclear why this “normally reliable” method had failed in this instance.
The turkey’s identity was not released. In a bid to stave off criticism, however, Gov. Fallin noted that it had been convicted of a 1987 convenience-store robbery on the basis of “highly reliable” eyewitness testimony.
Shocking photo taken minutes after the botched attempt
FERGUSON, Mo.–Americans around the nation were shocked by images of rioting in Ferguson, following the news that the police officer who shot and killed an unarmed black teenager would not be indicted.
“I mean, if the Rams had just won the Super Bowl, or even a major division game, I think it would all be cool,” said Dave Wilcox from Dallas. “But the fact that they’re rioting because of systematic discrimination at all levels of society and government stretching back for decades? Who do they think they are?”
Alice Horsley of Miami said that “I torched a couple of cars each time the Heat brought home the trophy. But there’s just no excuse for this kind of disorder.”
Major media outlets covered the riots in loving detail, searching for good footage of burning cars and working hard to talk about the residents of Ferguson without saying anything overtly racist.
President Obama went on television to address the nation. He noted that many people have legitimate grievances, and proposed a bargain in which all the rioters would go home, and in return nothing else would change.
At first, it looked like these youths were tearing apart the fabric of our society, but it turned out that they were just excited about the MLS playoffs
WASHINGTON–Republican insiders today announced that the party was focused on its response to Obama’s executive order on immigration, and that they were confident that they would have “just the right amount of racism” in their response.
“See, we need to play to our base’s fear of swarthy immigrants, without being so overtly bigoted that swing voters notice what we’re doing,” said presumptive Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R–KY). “For example, we’ll show black-and-white footage of Guatemalans who might be rapists, but we won’t actually use any racial slurs.”
Because polling has repeatedly shown that most Americans support a path to citizenship for undocumented immigrants, “we can’t just haul off and talk about lazy Mexicans mooching off our system,” explained McConnell. “So we’re working hard on the abuse of power angle–subtle stuff, like showing Obama with a Hitler mustache.”
Asked how the electoral math was going to work, given that Latinos are a large and fast-growing segment of the population, McConnell chuckled. “As long as we don’t give ethnics the vote, I don’t foresee any problems.” When told that of course Latino citizens can vote, McConnell looked surprised, and quickly terminated the interview, explaining that he needed to consult with his colleagues.
Mitch McConnell: “I see white people.”
WASHINGTON—as President Obama prepared an executive order removing the threat of deportation from millions of immigrants, Republican leaders warned him that such an action could jeopardize “the warm, constructive relationship we’ve enjoyed in recent years.”
Speaking at a fundraiser, Sen. Ted Cruz (R—TX) said that “As much as I’ve enjoyed working with Barack over the past two years to reach sensible compromises on behalf of the American people, I worry that it will be harder for us to get even more meaningful legislation passed.”
A White House spokesman noted that “the President appreciates everything the Republicans have done to support his administration over the past two years, and he hopes that this executive order is just a blip in an otherwise strong working relationship.”
Speaker John Boehner countered that “while we are so close to landmark tax reform, a comprehensive infrastructure investment program, a common-sense set of changes to the financial regulatory framework, and a host of other important bills, I’m worried we may now face some delays.”
FERGUSON, Mo.—as this St. Louis suburb waits to see whether a grand jury will indict the police officer who killed an unarmed black youth here, Governor Jay Nixon declared martial law, explaining that “when in doubt, I think it’s best to get white guys with guns all hyped up and then send them out on the streets.”
“Look, we all know what drives bad behaviour out there among the, you know, those people,” said Nixon at a press conference in front of an Abrams tank. “It’s not having the imminent fear of death at the very top of their concerns. If we can just change that, we should be okay.”
Responding to questions as to whether aggressive policing had in fact been the cause of the problems in Ferguson, Nixon looked confused. “I was told it had been shifty characters,” he said.
Nixon closed the press conference with a prayer “that we will have peace and harmony, and that if we don’t, that the National Guard opens up a can of whoop-ass on those guys.”
PARIS–in what has billed as a “new era of transparency,” FIFA, the international soccer federation, today released a summary of an exhaustive report into possible wrongdoing into the bidding process to host the 2018 and 2022 World Cups.
“After a long period of painful self-examination, we now have to face the report’s central conclusion: that FIFA is completely blameless in all respects,” said Sepp Blatter, FIFA’s secretary-general. “Also, the report concludes that I am very, very good-looking.”
The team that wrote the 500-page report, which has not been released, disputed FIFA’s summary, noting the extensive evidence of corruption, vote-swapping, and outright fraud.
Blatter dismissed these concerns. “I think you guys are remembering incorrectly what you wrote,” he said.
FIFA also noted that the report fully exonerated Alger Hiss, O.J. Simpson, and Robert Blake. Blatter vowed that he, too, would not rest until he found the “real killers.”
MEXICO CITY—the parents of 43 missing Mexican students, who have now been confirmed dead, were reported today to have breathed “a big sigh of relief” upon learning that their children were killed as part of a political feud in the southwestern town of Iguala, and that there was no connection whatsoever to militant Islam.
“If terrorists had killed my daughter, then of course this would be a national, even global, tragedy,” said Ramon Gonzalez, 43. “But corruption and murder? No biggie.”
Coming shortly after both Canada and the United States were pitched into hysteria by the murder of a soldier in Ottawa, the news that the Mexican killings were unconnected to terrorism prompted relief and celebration throughout the Americas.
“It’s not a tragedy if Muslims didn’t do it,” explained a US State Department spokesman.