On trip to Iowa, Chris Christie amazed to learn state holds presidential caucuses

16 Jul

DES MOINES—Gov. Chris Christie (R-NJ), travelling through Iowa because of his longstanding interest in agriculture, was “amazed” to learn that the state holds the first presidential caucuses every election season.

“That’s incredible,” said Christie, speaking to a group of Republican activists in Ames. “I just wanted to come out here on vacation.”

Christie went on to explain that he was visiting the state “mostly to see how corn is made,” but that if it made sense, “well, shoot, I guess I could talk to some voters as well, maybe do a little media.”

Christie has consistently said that he is focused on his job as governor of New Jersey and has not given any thought to mounting a presidential bid in 2016.

“My priority continues to be my constituents,” said Christie. “That’s why I’m fighting for New Jersey’s top interests, farm subsidies and ethanol.”

20140716-144800.jpg
Chris Christie conducts a traffic study on a doughnut

Rick Perry criticizes “the parts of Ron Paul’s foreign policy I can remember”

13 Jul

AUSTIN—in a clear signal that he may run again for President, Gov. Rick Perry (R—TX) today published an Op-Ed blasting Ron Paul’s foreign policy.

“Look, I haven’t read the papers for a while,” said Perry. “But my recollection is that he had some pretty dumb stuff in there about Iraq, or maybe Afghanistan. And I can’t remember exactly what he said about Israel but I recall being irked by it.”

Perry said that “Ron Paul’s mistaken views on places like France and Europe will drag us back to the days of the McEnroe doctrine.” He added that “there was something I think he said once about Mexico, or maybe Canada—it was, like, ‘maybe we should tax them,’ or maybe something about the food—whatever it was, it was just flat wrong.” He also said Paul gave insufficient focus to the border with Australia.

Perry was relatively upfront about his motives in writing the editorial. “Look, I don’t want people to think of me as a policy lightweight,” he said in a subsequent interview. “I want people to think of me as the guy who doesn’t care if children die in my state from preventable diseases.”

20140713-150608.jpgGov. Rick Perry successfully answers a gotcha question about which one is the “index” finger

Florida sends “crack team” of experts to assist in Afghan election recount

7 Jul

KABUL–with tensions rising here because of a disputed vote count in the Afghan presidential election, both candidates today welcomed the arrival of a “crack team of experts” from the Florida Secretary of State’s office.

The team of twelve experts arrived in Kabul four days late, having accidentally booked tickets to Azerbaijan instead of Afghanistan. They then lost their traveller’s checks, locked themselves in their hotel room, and flushed their credentials down the toilet, before finally arriving here today in a very little car.

“We’re delighted to be here today to assist in the Armenian election,” said delegation head Katherine Harris, who was taking a leave of absence from her job as head of quality assurance at General Motors. When an aide clarified that Harris had meant “Afghan,” she politely declined, noting that it was warm enough in the room.

The two candidates in the election, Ashraf Ghani and Abdullah Abdullah, welcomed the support. “If anyone knows how to conduct a smooth election, it’s Florida,” said Ghani at a rare joint press conference. “We look forward to having the team of experts get started, as soon as we can figure out where they are.”

20140707-164241.jpgA Florida election official preparing for his daily briefing.

Republicans cite lower unemployment as proof that “Obamacare is forcing Americans to take jobs just to stay afloat”

3 Jul

WASHINGTON–strong job growth numbers and a sharp drop in unemployment are “further proof that Obama is leading this country towards economic disaster,” said Speaker John Boehner (R–OH).

“Last month alone, 288,000 Americans found that their economic situation was so bad that they were forced to take jobs just to pay their bills,” said Boehner. “It’s hard to imagine a greater failure of leadership.”

The unemployment rate fell sharply to 6.1%, “further proof, as if any were needed, that the Obamacare tax is making people turn to work as the only way out of their economic hole.”

The White House had no immediate comment. A spokesman described the President as “puzzled” by the GOP reaction.

Supreme Court rules corporations can do “whatever the hell they want” in the name of religious freedom

1 Jul

WASHINGTON–in a thoughtful, tightly reasoned ruling, the Supreme Court today found that corporations can do “whatever the hell they want” as long as they claim some kind of religious motivation.

“Our country was founded on religious liberty,” said the majority ruling. “Therefore, we’ve decided to toss everything else out the window. Go nuts.”

The case began when the craft store Hobby Lobby claimed that the religious principles of its owners prevented it from complying with the Affordable Care Act and covering contraception for employees. The suit was then joined by Walmart, which noted its longheld religious beliefs that the minimum wage, health and safety requirements, and anti-discrimination laws were “tools of Satan” it could not in good conscience adhere to.

Afterwards, the American Restaurant Association revealed its “longtime but hidden beliefs” that kitchen hands should never receive overtime, while several construction firms pointed to their belief that being hurt on the job is “God’s punishment for carelessness” and that compensating injured workers is a “sacrilegious tampering with His plan.”

The ruling came on a close 5-4 vote, a split historically associated with some of the Court’s finest work, such as Bush v. Gore and Citizens United.

Thad Cochran wins Democratic primary in Mississippi

25 Jun

JACKSON–building on his years of progressive leadership and sterling civil-rights track record, Thad Cochran (D–MS) today won a come-from-behind victory in the Democratic Mississippi Senate primary.

“Today is a victory for everyone who believes in social justice,” said Cochran in his victory speech. “I will never rest until I have delivered progressive taxation, environmental justice, and universal health care to the people of Mississippi, and to all Americans.”

Cochran’s challenger, Chris McDaniel, gave a gracious concession speech in which he alleged massive fraud and urged his followers to hide in the hills and dynamite government buildings.

Maliki says Iraqi army is doing “a heckuva job”

23 Jun

BAGHDAD–as thousands of Iraqi army soldiers fled the battlefield, removing their uniforms and dropping their weapons, Prime Minister Maliki announced that the military was doing “a heckuva job.”

“I couldn’t be more pleased with how our men are performing,” said Maliki at a press conference here today. “Our battle plan is unfolding exactly as we’d hoped.”

Maliki insisted that the rapid collapse of several Iraqi army divisions was all part of an elaborate stratagem to make the militants “overconfident.” He also explained that soldiers removing their fatigues were just changing into the army’s new uniforms, which consist of civilian clothes “and a frightened expression.”

The PM insisted that the army would soon recover all the territory lost with minimal casualties.

Speaking from Texas, former President George Bush endorsed Maliki and noted that his “thoughts and prayers are with the Iraqi oil fields.”

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