WASHINGTON–Republican insiders today announced that the party was focused on its response to Obama’s executive order on immigration, and that they were confident that they would have “just the right amount of racism” in their response.
“See, we need to play to our base’s fear of swarthy immigrants, without being so overtly bigoted that swing voters notice what we’re doing,” said presumptive Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R–KY). “For example, we’ll show black-and-white footage of Guatemalans who might be rapists, but we won’t actually use any racial slurs.”
Because polling has repeatedly shown that most Americans support a path to citizenship for undocumented immigrants, “we can’t just haul off and talk about lazy Mexicans mooching off our system,” explained McConnell. “So we’re working hard on the abuse of power angle–subtle stuff, like showing Obama with a Hitler mustache.”
Asked how the electoral math was going to work, given that Latinos are a large and fast-growing segment of the population, McConnell chuckled. “As long as we don’t give ethnics the vote, I don’t foresee any problems.” When told that of course Latino citizens can vote, McConnell looked surprised, and quickly terminated the interview, explaining that he needed to consult with his colleagues.
Mitch McConnell: “I see white people.”
WASHINGTON—as President Obama prepared an executive order removing the threat of deportation from millions of immigrants, Republican leaders warned him that such an action could jeopardize “the warm, constructive relationship we’ve enjoyed in recent years.”
Speaking at a fundraiser, Sen. Ted Cruz (R—TX) said that “As much as I’ve enjoyed working with Barack over the past two years to reach sensible compromises on behalf of the American people, I worry that it will be harder for us to get even more meaningful legislation passed.”
A White House spokesman noted that “the President appreciates everything the Republicans have done to support his administration over the past two years, and he hopes that this executive order is just a blip in an otherwise strong working relationship.”
Speaker John Boehner countered that “while we are so close to landmark tax reform, a comprehensive infrastructure investment program, a common-sense set of changes to the financial regulatory framework, and a host of other important bills, I’m worried we may now face some delays.”
FERGUSON, Mo.—as this St. Louis suburb waits to see whether a grand jury will indict the police officer who killed an unarmed black youth here, Governor Jay Nixon declared martial law, explaining that “when in doubt, I think it’s best to get white guys with guns all hyped up and then send them out on the streets.”
“Look, we all know what drives bad behaviour out there among the, you know, those people,” said Nixon at a press conference in front of an Abrams tank. “It’s not having the imminent fear of death at the very top of their concerns. If we can just change that, we should be okay.”
Responding to questions as to whether aggressive policing had in fact been the cause of the problems in Ferguson, Nixon looked confused. “I was told it had been shifty characters,” he said.
Nixon closed the press conference with a prayer “that we will have peace and harmony, and that if we don’t, that the National Guard opens up a can of whoop-ass on those guys.”
PARIS–in what has billed as a “new era of transparency,” FIFA, the international soccer federation, today released a summary of an exhaustive report into possible wrongdoing into the bidding process to host the 2018 and 2022 World Cups.
“After a long period of painful self-examination, we now have to face the report’s central conclusion: that FIFA is completely blameless in all respects,” said Sepp Blatter, FIFA’s secretary-general. “Also, the report concludes that I am very, very good-looking.”
The team that wrote the 500-page report, which has not been released, disputed FIFA’s summary, noting the extensive evidence of corruption, vote-swapping, and outright fraud.
Blatter dismissed these concerns. “I think you guys are remembering incorrectly what you wrote,” he said.
FIFA also noted that the report fully exonerated Alger Hiss, O.J. Simpson, and Robert Blake. Blatter vowed that he, too, would not rest until he found the “real killers.”
MEXICO CITY—the parents of 43 missing Mexican students, who have now been confirmed dead, were reported today to have breathed “a big sigh of relief” upon learning that their children were killed as part of a political feud in the southwestern town of Iguala, and that there was no connection whatsoever to militant Islam.
“If terrorists had killed my daughter, then of course this would be a national, even global, tragedy,” said Ramon Gonzalez, 43. “But corruption and murder? No biggie.”
Coming shortly after both Canada and the United States were pitched into hysteria by the murder of a soldier in Ottawa, the news that the Mexican killings were unconnected to terrorism prompted relief and celebration throughout the Americas.
“It’s not a tragedy if Muslims didn’t do it,” explained a US State Department spokesman.
WASHINGTON–showing his trademark irrepressible energy and enthusiasm, President Obama today announced that he was “feeling good” about the Democratic Party’s chances in tomorrow’s midterm elections. He predicted that the party would retain control of the Senate and “perhaps pick up a few seats” in the House. He then revealed that he was picking the Oakland Raiders (0-8) to win this year’s Super Bowl.
“Look, I’ve got a good feeling about those Raiders, is all,” said Obama. “And if there’s one thing I’m good at doing, it’s anticipating events and responding fluidly to change.”
Obama outlined the Raiders’ “all but certain” path to the Super Bowl, explaining that first the team would need to win out (“which looks pretty good from here”) before knocking off his other AFC playoff picks, the New York Jets and the Jacksonville Jaguars, en route to the big game.
He did not bring the same level of detail to his prediction of midterm success, and would not be drawn into which Senate seats he expected to retain. “That situation’s a little less certain than the Raiders,” he explained.
PORTLAND, Maine—Kaci Hickox, the nurse who was briefly quarantined after returning from treating Ebola patients, and then announced that she would not stay at home as requested for 21 days, today said that she would defy the CDC’s request that she not lick people “right on the kisser.”
“My human rights are the most important thing in this situation,” said Hickox at a press conference today, “and one of my most basic rights is the right to go all over the country and lick anyone that I see all over the face.” Pointing her finger at a CDC official standing haplessly at the end of the stage, she added, “You know who didn’t let people lick strangers on the street? The Nazis.”
After the press conference, Hickox adjourned to the local Pizza Hut, where she asserted her right to sneeze on the salad bar.