Donald Trump: millions of Mexicans killed Cecil the Lion

31 Jul

NEW YORK–in a shocking twist to the Cecil the Lion story, Donald Trump revealed today that the beloved animal was actually lured out of a game park and killed by 3.4 million Mexican rapists, and not by a Minneapolis dentist.

“I have conclusive proof that Cecil the Lion’s death was directly attributable to our broken border policies,” said Trump, waving a piece of paper in his hand that turned out to be a Vitamix receipt. “If President Obama had the courage to build my proposed laser robot army, Cecil would be alive today.”

Trump had a ready explanation for how Cecil’s killer could actually be millions of Mexicans, when it has been widely reported that a dentist named Dr. Walter Palmer shot Cecil with a crossbow and then chased him for two days. “The Mexicans were wearing a very clever disguise,” explained Trump, speaking in front of an excited crowd of employees.

Mexican president Enrique Pena Nieto was disgusted by Trump’s claims. “This man is a clown, and he has no business running a coffee shop, let alone running for president,” said Nieto in a televised address.

Trump was unrepentant, displaying frame grabs from Nieto’s video and pointing to a small tuft on the desk behind him. “Looks like lion hair to me,” he said.

Surprisingly little comes up on Google image search for “trump + lion”

In historic shift, new Microsoft Windows upgrade will break your computer for free

29 Jul

REDMOND, Washington—in a radical change to Microsoft’s business model, the company today released Windows 10 as a free upgrade.

“Instead of charging you $99 or more to mess up your computer and have to roll back the installation, we’re now going to do it for free,” said a Microsoft spokesman. “You’re welcome.”
Windows 10 replaces Windows 7 and 8. It includes new features such as mysterious crashes of Internet Explorer, a confusing new way of organizing your files, and a sort-of-but-not-really tablet-style interface.

“It also loads significantly slower,” said the spokesman.

According to industry experts, the company had originally planned to release Windows 9 late last year, but changed its mind when the product tested poorly in focus groups, apparently because all it did was cause your computer to catch on fire.

Microsoft “put a lot more design thinking” into the look-and-feel of the Windows 10 blue screen of death

Upcoming Republican primary debate to feature a two-war minimum

27 Jul

CLEVELAND—in an effort to streamline the upcoming Republican presidential primary debate, scheduled to take place here on August 6, party leaders have decided to require a two-war minimum for all candidates as a condition of entry.

“We were looking for some way to keep the debate manageable,” said Bill O’Reilly of Fox News, which is hosting the event. “So it’s pretty simple and fair: to get on the stage, you have to commit to two wars of your choice over two terms.”

While Fox hadn’t yet worked out all the details, O’Reilly did say there would be some clear standards as to what constituted a war. “It needs to last long enough for patriotic bumper stickers to start appearing,” he explained. “Desert Storm I and II absolutely would count, but Grenada and Panama wouldn’t.”

When asked why a commitment to launch wars was required, instead of a commitment to improve the American economy, or the health of its citizens, or the education of its children, O’Reilly shrugged. “Our sponsors have to get paid somehow,” he explained.

O’Reilly noted that extra time in the debate would be given to “any candidate willing to promise to schedule one of their wars during sweeps week.”

Bill O’Reilly explains that most of his incoherent anger is really just allergies.

Heavy fighting in Yemen causes concerned Americans to wonder exactly where Yemen is

24 Jul

CHICAGO–Dick Moser, longtime resident here, didn’t mince words today when asked about the renewed conflict in Yemen.

“It sounds serious,” said Moser. “So serious, in fact, that I’m strongly considering writing my Congressman, to demand that he google ‘Yemen’ and tell me where this place is.”

Across the nation, reports of continued clashes between the Houthi-led insurgents and the Saudi-backed government caused considerable alarm.

“If the insurgents keep moving north,” said Gladys Springwell, who teaches third grade at Oak Ridge Elementary here, “they’ll reach Indiana, and after that, Chicago must be next on their list.”

Opinion was divided as to what the American government should do next. 46% said “Obama should just bluff his way through the next press conference and pretend we know where this place is,” while 37% believed that “he should just fess up and ask a reporter to look it up on their phone.” As a less preferred option, 15% said the upcoming Republican presidential primary debates should be replaced with a Nickelodeon-style physical challenge, although this option might have garnered more support if it had actually been one of the options mentioned by the pollster.

Chicago residents were also worried about the nature of the insurgent forces. “I understand the Houthis are still a serious threat,” said Don Parlander, a paralegal at Rackham & Pitts, a prominent local law firm. “If he manages to get the Blowfish behind him, I don’t see how the government can withstand the attack.”

Parlander was not reassured by news that the Saudi-led forces had taken Aden. “I always said he should have been the one to end up with Carrie,” he explained.

We’re about 80% certain none of these countries are Yemen.

Vladimir Putin wins prestigious “Best Dictator Award”

22 Jul

HARARE, Zimbabwe—capping a great year, President Vladimir Putin of Russia won the prestigious Best Dictator Award at last night’s 35th Autocratic Awards ceremony.

“And the winner is…Vladimir Putin!” said the presenter, a nervous-looking Steve Zahn, opening a lead-lined envelope while beefy security guards peered at him intently, cracking their knuckles. “Honestly, I didn’t know what this was,” said Zahn, staring imploringly into the television cameras. “I thought it was some kind of benefit or something” he added, while being dragged off-stage and beaten.

The theater then played a montage showing some of Putin’s greatest moments as dictator, including the occupation of Crimea, the jailing of Mikhail Khodorkovsky, and the downing of a passenger jet over Ukraine, until the power went out in blackout-plagued Harare.

Putin won in “one of the strongest fields we’ve seen in years,” according to Susan Wilco, who runs a fashion/repression blog and frequently covers the Autocratic Awards. The other nominees included Islam Karimov of Uzbekistan, Omar al-Bashir of Sudan, Isaias Afewerki of Eritrea, and hometown favorite Robert Mugabe.

“Putin had a very strong year,” said Wilco. “Crimea and Ukraine top the list, obviously, but the voters have obviously been paying attention to the little things as well—the beatings and jailings of opposition leaders, the hounding of the free press—the stuff that he doesn’t make a big deal about, but just quietly gets on with.”

Putin is the first Russian/Soviet leader to win the award since the controversial selection of Konstantin Chernenko, head of the Soviet Union, in 1984. At the time, critics said that the honor was “pure political correctness” reflecting the fact that no Soviet leader had been selected in more than twenty years, and that Chernenko was “at worst, a colorless figurehead.”

The winners of the other major awards included Kim Jong Un, who won Best Purge for the arrest and execution of his uncle, Jang Song Thaek, and Bashar Assad, who took home Best Murderous War Against His Own People. Mswati III of Swaziland won Best Small-Country Dictator, and Aleksandr Lukashenko won Best Military-Style Hat. In the biggest upset of the night, the Democratic Party of Equatorial Guinea defeated heavy favorite Workers’ Party of Korea for the title of Best Repressive Party Apparatus.

Vladimir Putin, not content with just ruling Russia, makes his play to control the United Federation of Planets

Racists “outraged” by Trump’s attack on John McCain

20 Jul

SELMA, Alabama—in a heartwarming display of solidarity, racists from all across America spontaneously came together yesterday to denounce Donald Trump’s criticism of John McCain’s war record.

“I was a big Donald Trump fan,” said Jed Ricketts, who has lived here in Selma his entire life and is one of the linchpins of the local racist community. “I was with him on the Mexicans, the code words about welfare, the whole thing. But attacking an American war hero—that crosses a line for me. No, thank you, Mr. Trump.”

Other racists were more ambivalent. “Sure, what he said was abhorrent,” said Rosie Lynchston, county chairwoman for the White People’s Council. “But if we lose Trump now, who’s going to protect us against the [racial slur deleted]. Or the [slur deleted]? Or the [deleted], [deleted], [deleted], [deleted], [deleted], or [deleted]?” she asked, closing with what we later looked up and found was a derogatory term for Americans with ancestors from the northern regions of Denmark.

Donald Trump, of course, stated that he had no intention of apologizing. “If I were to apologize to John McCain, then, logically, I’d have to apologize for every other stupid, hurtful, destructive thing I’ve said this week, and then where would we be?”

Other candidates were scrambling to win over Trump’s disaffected supporters. “There’s a whole bloc of Republican voters who are terrified of Mexican rapists but love the military,” said John Spiegelman, Professor of Weird Republican Primary Voting Blocs at the University of Wyoming. “That makes up about half of all likely Iowa caucusgoers.”

Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., called the 800-page immigration reform bill proposed by a bipartisan group of senators a "fair, comprehensive and practical solution" to a difficult problem.

In a conciliatory gesture, Trump went on to call McCain “probably not a coward” for being captured in Vietnam.

Donald Trump takes the lead in GOP primary polls

17 Jul

Actually, we don’t have a whole lot to add here. Kind of speaks for itself.


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