Selfish refugees seek to steal European jobs, also not be murdered

22 May

ROME–as Europe’s refugee crisis continues with more boatloads of migrants making the risky crossing of the Mediterranean, many of the migrants admitted that they were headed over for primarily selfish reasons.

“All my life I’ve dreamed of living in poverty, cleaning toilets and being harrassed by police,” said Emrip Khan, who arrived in Sicily this week after fleeing the Libyan civil war with his three surviving children. “And in the EU, I can finally make that dream come true.”

A spokesman for the United Kingdom’s anti-immigrant party, UKIP, shared his indignation at the incoming waves of refugees. “They’re all a bunch of whiners,” said David Whitewurst. “It’s all don’t-let-me-be-killed-by-the-solders and my-children-are-starving. They should have thought about that when they were being born somewhere else, that’s what I say.”

European leaders held discussions this week on how to stem the flow of migrants without leaving them at the mercy of armed conflict in their home regions. Those discussions concluded after fifteen minutes, after which they started discussions on how to stem the flow of migrants.

“We are very concerned with the humanitarian crisis on the doorstep of Europe,” said Nils Muiznieks, Human Rights Commissioner for the Council of Europe. “We strongly prefer that humanitarian crises take place far away.”

  
A bunch of refugees just standing around doing nothing, instead of launching startups or mining Bitcoins

In surprising twist, US Army invades and occupies Texas, after all

20 May

DALLAS–in a move that surprised most observers, President Obama today revealed that Jade Helm 15 actually was a plot to invade Texas and seize the guns of God-fearing Americans.

“I am pleased to report that US Special Forces, acting under my personal supervision, as well as that of the United Nations, today managed to overcome the Texas National Guard and occupy two-thirds of the state,” said Obama in a speech to journalists and supporters. “As a result, we are in a position to impose Obamacare, fluoride, and Common Core on the last few holdouts.”

Gov. Greg Abbott (R–TX), who had spotted the conspiracy early and attempted to resist, issued a statement congratulating President Obama and endorsing Hillary Clinton. Journalists noted that he seemed to be much taller, no longer in a wheelchair, and left-handed.

Obama noted that the Special Forces would maintain control of Texas until such time as the European Union was able to send its own troops to take possession of the state, having purchased it from the United States in exchange for its proprietary mind-reading technology.

 Greg Abbott knew all along 

Jeb Bush explains that he was for the Iraq War before he was against it

14 May

TALLAHASSEE—seeking to nip controversy in the bud, Jeb Bush today laid out a clear statement of his views towards the second Gulf war, explaining that he was for the war before he was against it.

“Had I known now what I thought I knew about what we would have known then if we had known what I thought we knew now, I can definitively say that I would have had an opinion on the war,” said Bush, speaking before a gathering of veterans here today.

“You want to know what I really think about Iraq? Read my lips,” he went on to say, before mouthing something inaudible. Unfortunately, no lip-readers were in the audience at the time.

According to Bush, he has “always” thought that the war “made sense insofar as we didn’t know what we thought we knew what we knew,” but if “we hadn’t known what we thought we knew, then we would have known better.”

Reacting angrily to charges of flip-flopping, Bush said that “I don’t like ‘gotcha’ questions, especially ones that there was no way to see coming.”

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“On a scale of 1 to 10, I’d say the Iraq War was about…up here.”

Verizon to acquire AOL for $4.4 billion, because you can’t go wrong merging with AOL

12 May

NEW YORK—Verizon Communications announced today that it would acquire AOL for $4.4 billion in cash, cementing its position as the largest firm combining telecommunications and whatever it is exactly that AOL does these days.

“I can’t imagine any large merger involving AOL possibly going wrong,” said Lowell McAdam, CEO of Verizon. “This deal shows that we are prepared to tackle all the digital challenges of the twentieth century.”

McAdam went on to say that while the purchase price of $4.4 billion looked significant, AOL brought “real, hard assets” to the table, such as an inventory of almost two billion CD-ROM disks containing Windows-95-compatible AOL software. “We think they’re being held on the balance sheet well below fair value.”

Analysts were strongly supportive of the deal. “AOL is solid gold, and I think anyone in any industry would be lucky to get their hands on it,” said Dhruv Gupta, telecommunications and CD-ROM disk analyst at Merrill Lynch. “Nothing says cutting-edge like an aol.com email address.”

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Lowell McAdam, one of the most exciting and dynamic CEOs of a US large telecommunications conglomerate

Angela Merkel tells lifestyle program she is expanding her living room; European armies go on highest alert

11 May

BERLIN—tensions in Europe unexpectedly climbed several notches over the weekend when German Chancellor Angela Merkel, being interviewed on a popular lifestyle show here, revealed that she was planning a home renovation to significantly increase the size of her living room.

“Wir brauchen mehr Lebensraum,” Merkel said to Sarah Kuttner, host of the popular program Wochenenden zu Hause.

Immediately the armies of Poland, Russia, Ukraine, and France went on highest alert. Belgium attempted to put its army on highest alert, but he was at the dentist and could not immediately be contacted.

After the program, Merkel attempted to calm the waters by reassuring other countries that nothing was imminent. “We would not plan to launch this for another month or two,” she explained. “If we went now, our vehicles could get bogged down in the mud, while if we wait, we can still finish before winter.”

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The situation only got worse when the Chancellor went on to talk about her vacation plans.

Tom Brady stripped of seven Tour de France titles

8 May

NEW YORK—as the scandal surrounding Tom Brady and the New England Patriots continued to grow, Americans were shocked to learn this morning that Brady had been stripped of his seven Tour de France titles.

The International Cycling Union announced today that in light of the NFL’s report implicating Brady in the deflation of several footballs, “We no longer consider Tom Brady to hold any cycling titles from any races, including the Tour de France.”

While Brady has not been punished by other sporting bodies at this point, many believe that his pursuit of the single-season home-run record, among other achievements, is now irrevocably tainted.

“It’s all up for grabs now,” said David Landry, Professor of Vacated Sports Titles at the University of North Dakota. “His Heisman Trophy? His 9.79-second hundred-meter dash? Even if the records stand, they’ll always have an asterix.”

Brady put out a press release stating that “I am innocent until proven guilty, which is why I sure wish I hadn’t just been proven guilty.”

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At the height of his career, Brady was so confident of victory that he would drink while cycling

Political humor bloggers beg Republican presidential candidates to spread out their announcements

6 May

NEW YORK–after a 48-hour stretch in which Carly Fiorina, Ben Carson, and then Mike Huckabee all declared their candidacies for the Republican presidential nomination, the powerful American Association of Nominally Nonpartisan Political Humor Bloggers (AANNPHB) demanded that the Republican leadership intervene to space out future announcements.

“Fringe Republican candidates are among this nation’s most treasured humor resources,” said Dan Winterson, Vice-President of Topic Selection for twissblog, one of the founding members of AANNPHB. “Three declarations in two days is just a tragic waste of potential. It’s like flaring natural gas at the wellhead.”

Another twissblog employee, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said that acrimony had broken out at twissblog’s weekly all-staff meeting, when dozens of employees angrily protested the blog’s failure to cover the three announcements in detail.

“They’ve got a point,” said Winterson. “But there’s not much we can do. The party leadership needs to step in and make sure that the no-hoper candidates declare at least a week apart, so that America can exploit their deep reserves of potential for mockery in an efficient, environmentally sound manner.”

With Mitt Romney out of the race, and “a lot of the crazies already in,” Winterson said that twissblog was currently storing a supply of jokes in deep underground bunkers. “We know we’ve got to make these guys last almost a year,” he said. “That’s what makes it even worse to see events moving so quickly right now.”

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If you liked God, Guns, Grits, and Gravy, you’ll love One Nation

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