Putin explains Russian soldiers in Ukraine “just got lost,” also document titled “Ukrainian invasion plan” just a typo

27 Aug

MOSCOW–hours after the Ukrainian government released video of elite Russian paratroopers captured outside Donetsk, Russian President Vladimir Putin said that the crack soldiers “probably just got lost and wandered over the border.”

“It is easy to see how it would happen,” said Putin. “You’re out for some drinks, you’re wandering around, you accidentally scale four barbed-wire fences, tiptoe through a minefield, and drug a pack of German shepherds, and then you look up and–BAM–you’re in Ukraine without even realizing it.”

Putin also said that documents found on the soldiers, titled “Secret Plans for the Invasion of Ukraine by the Russian Military, Personally Approved by Vladimir Putin” were actually just copies of the class schedule for the Khabarovsk Yoga and Fitness Studio, and that the title and detailed plans and maps were just a “typo.”

“They probably have a secretary over at Khabarovsk Yoga and Fitness who dropped something on her keyboard, and those were the random letters that were typed as a result,” explained Putin.

Finally, Putin explained that the fifteen thousand Russian soldiers streaming across the border shouting “Victory or Death!” this morning were just looking for a bathroom.

Anonymous bidder pays $3 million for first Superman comic; hopeful it will finally help him meet girls

26 Aug

SEATTLE–after several days of spirited bidding, an anonymous buyer paid $3.2 million for a mint-condition copy of Action Comics No. 1, the first Superman comic. The bidder, who apparently made his money in technology, expressed confidence that his new comic book “would finally help him meet girls.”

“I figure I’ve got pretty much everything else–all the rare Lord of the Rings action figures, historic circuitboards dating back to the 1970s–so this must be the last piece of the puzzle,” explained the buyer. “Now that I’ve finally got Action Comics No. 1–hello, ladies.”

He explained that the comic book would be displayed in a room he was specially constructing in his Bay Area home, a large Tudor-style mansion that at great expense has been built in his mother’s basement. “It’s just convenient, having her right there,” he explained.

In a historic advance in American race relations, Obama pledges to do nothing and wait for Ferguson protests to go away

21 Aug

FERGUSON, Mo.—as protests continued in what many see as the worst racial tension in the US in over a decade, President Obama took advantage of the opportunity to take a historic step towards reconciliation, pledging to do nothing and just wait it out.

“At times like this, we are called upon to lead the nation forward,” said the President in a special prime-time television address. “

Instead of going to Ferguson himself, Obama vowed to send “an emissary with the stature to bring healing to this community.” After several phone calls, he settled on several contestants from Celebrity Big Brother, Matt Lauer’s younger brother, and Attorney General Eric Holder.

Meanwhile, in a conciliatory gesture, Missouri Gov. Jay Nixon imposed a curfew, declared martial law, and told protestors “I will mess you up good.”

Ebola upgraded in seriousness from “dead foreigners” to “sick Americans”

18 Aug

ATLANTA—the Ebola epidemic has taken a grim new turn in the last few days, as officials confirmed that in addition to killing hundreds of people in Africa, there are now at least two sick Americans.

“I guess I was following it before,” said David Hemstrich, public-health expert at the National Security Council. “There were all these people dying in places like Liberia and Guinea, or maybe Guyana, or something. But now it’s serious.”

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta issued a bulletin advising Americans to “stay away from foreign countries” as well as avoiding foreigners who look “germy.” It also suggested ceasing to watch television shows set overseas, “just to be on the safe side.”

Hemstrich hastened to add that “we’re not saying that an African life is less valuable than an American life.” After a pause, he added, “at worst, we’re very strongly implying that.”

Police departments promise 10% fewer killings of unarmed African-American boys next year

13 Aug

ST. LOUIS—as the backlash against the shooting of Michael Brown continued, a coalition of US police departments issued a statement announcing a “commitment to kill fewer unarmed African-American children next year.”

Said Dave McAughtry, spokesman for the Association of American Police Chiefs, “While I don’t want to say that killing unarmed boys has to stop, we think it’s probably appropriate to take it down a notch.”

McAughtry said that police departments would engage in a rigorous training program that would enable police officers to tell the difference between a deadly weapon and “other similar looking items” such as candy, beverages, or nothing, “even when held by a black person.”

At the same time, though, McAughtry said that it was important not to criticize officers who killed unarmed black youth, especially if someone only did it two or three times.

“I mean, there are moderately serious consequences for a patrolman’s career if he kills someone he shouldn’t have,” said McAughtry. “You can count on some serious ribbing from the guys down at the station, often for months on end.”

Obama promises Iraq intervention will be strictly limited to “bombing and fighting and, you know, whatever”

8 Aug

WASHINGTON–as President Obama ordered airstrikes in Iraq, he reassured a skeptical American public that he was not making an open-ended military commitment. Instead, he pledged that American intervention would be strictly limited in scope to “bombing, and maybe some fighting, and, you know, whatever sort of seems like a good idea at the time.” He also noted that he had put a non-negotiable time limit on military involvement, promising that it would last no longer than “a while, or until we win.”

The White House announcement immediately brought relief to worried citizens. “I was afraid this was the beginning of another quagmire,” said Tom Dallard of Sheboygan, WI. “But now I figure the worst case is a long, unproductive war.”

Republicans rallied behind the President, but their support came with warnings. “If we’re going into Iraq, we need to go in all the way,” said Sen. John McCain (R–AZ). “I expect that an invasion of Iraq will result in a lot of American soldiers being killed, so if we don’t invade, then we’ll be dishonoring their future sacrifice.”

Obama made a second announcement, hours later, in which he expressed confidence that the intervention in Iraq would be successful. “If history teaches us anything,” he said, “it’s that when we dabble in complex internal conflicts in faraway countries where we can’t really explain why we’re there, everything turns out just great.”

SPECIAL REPORT: Looking to the future, Republicans plan to nominate a middle-aged white guy for president in 2016

5 Aug

TWISSBLOG EXCLUSIVE–after months of investigation, Twissblog can now reveal for the first time that the Republican Party, concerned about its appeal in light of changing American demographics, is highly likely to nominate a middle-aged straight white man for President in 2016.

“We’ve been looking at this for the last several years,” said one senior Republican strategist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “America is changing, and we thought–what kind of candidate should we put forward? And we’ve decided to take some risks here and nominate a white dude, probably in his 50s.”

A Republican congressman who also asked not to be named observed that “the party’s backbone has a lot of great African-Americans, Latinos, women, you name it–but it’s time we went a different direction.”

The congressman, who coincidentally was a middle-aged straight white man himself, shared data to explain why the party was headed in this direction. “88% of Americans are now men,” he explained. “100% are white, and 94% were born between 1955 and 1965.” Asked about the source of the numbers, he explained that they “came straight from Paul Ryan’s budget experts.”

The only other presidential elections in the last 100 years in which the GOP candidate was a middle-aged white guy were in 2012, 2008, 2004, 2000, 1996, 1992, 1988, 1984, 1980, 1976, 1972, 1968, 1964, 1960, 1956, 1952, 1948, 1944, 1940, 1936, 1932, 1928, 1924, 1920, and 1916. Before that, you have to go all the way back to 1912.

20140806-103748-38268749.jpgJust some of the white people the Republican Party has already elected to Congress

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