Obama pardons turkey; Ted Cruz steals it and rips it apart with his bare hands

25 Nov

DES MOINES, Iowa–seeking to enhance his agressive policy credentials, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) today not only criticized President Obama’s traditional pardon of a Thanksgiving turkey, but then proceeded to steal the bird, drive to Iowa, and then rip it apart with his bare hands at a senior center here in Des Moines.

As the elderly crowd did its best to chant “U.S.A! U.S.A!” Cruz not only killed the bird but then proceeded to wave it around his head, handing out feathers to a few children in attendance.

“Senator Cruz is just the right man for the job,” said Dave McCormack, an orderly working here at the Florence Williams Retirement Center. “He’s said he’s going to tear up ISIS the way he tore up that turkey, and why shouldn’t I believe him? I’ve seen it with my own eyes. No stronger proof than that.”

A patient-sounding spokesperson for Jeb Bush (R-FL, retired) explained that while the former Governor had no plans to kill anything himself, he was planning to tuck into a “tidy parcel of white meat, stuffing, and potatoes.” The spokesperson also noted that Bush had a sixty-two point plan to defeat ISIS, “or at least to inconvenience them to no small extent.” The plan included ordering many, many pizzas to be delivered to ISIS strongholds in Syria and Iraq, and also to apply for a number of personal loans and thereby ruin the terrorist organization’s credit rating.

While Cruz’s staff expressed satisfaction at the tough statement made with the turkey, they then exhibited some concern when Cruz seized the bird’s carcass, grabbed an assault rifle, and drove off into the hills, vowing that “they’ll never take me alive.”

“I think he really has his finger on the pulse of his supporters,” said an aide, hopefully.

“If you are an enemy of America, we will hunt you down, remove your little bag of giblets, and then fill you with bread stuffing,” said Cruz.

Donald Trump proposes building wall along border between Europe and the United States

16 Nov

DES MOINES, Iowa–responding forcefully to the ISIS attack on Paris, Donald Trump today said that as president, he would build a wall along the border between the United States and Europe to protect against threats from the Middle East, France, and Germany.

“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from the study of history,” said Trump, holding up a copy of Patton, “it’s that Europe’s problems will eventually affect us as well. Therefore the only practical solution to stop the flow of migrants and terrorists and waiters and high-end spa personnel is to build a wall at least thirty feet high all along our shared border.”

Asked how, exactly, such a wall would be built, Trump was dismissive. “That’s the kind of nitpicky thinking that got us in this mess,” he said. “I’ll have one of my business guys work it out.”

Trump also said that the wall wouldn’t cost American taxpayers anything, as he would force Europe and the Middle East to pay for it through levies on their major exports such as Lebanese cucumbers, French fries, and German measles.



Louisiana celebrates 1,000th preventable child death since rejecting Medicaid expansion

13 Nov

BATON ROUGE—Gov. Bobby Jindal took a break today from the presidential campaign trail to come back to his state and celebrate the 1,000th preventable child death since he rejected the expansion of Medicaid in May 2013. The expansion of Medicaid would have been fully funded under the Affordable Care Act.

“Sounds like freedom,” said Jindal, as 7-year-old Kaylee Johnson was lowered into the ground at Sweet Briar Cemetery. Kaylee died on the weekend of pneumonia; her mother lacked health insurance and delayed taking Kaylee to the hospital for fear of falling further into debt. “The important thing,” said Jindal, “is that we’ve shown Washington that we here in Louisiana don’t believe in Big Government.”

Jindal had originally planned to return to the state on Sunday for the funeral of 4-year-old Bobby Wills, whose parents initially tried to treat his severe accidental burns at home, but Bobby hung on for “several days longer than expected,” according to aides, forcing a reshuffling of the schedule. “On the bright side, the Wills family lived way up in Coushatta, and we would have struggled to get the media out there,” said the aide.

Jindal, who is currently polling around 1% in the presidential race, wrote an op-ed piece in the Washington Post in May 2013, arguing that despite the initial full federal funding, Medicaid expansion would have ended up costing the state $1 billion over ten years, or about $21 per resident per year. The op-ed was well received, and many think that while Jindal has no hope of success in the current Republican presidential primary, he is now well-positioned for a book deal and possibly a commentary slot on Fox.

“WWJD,” said Jindal, as the last shovelfuls of dirt were heaped on Kaylee’s casket. “WWJD.”

Republican National Committee issues list of pre-approved questions for debate moderators

10 Nov

MILWAUKEE–in the lead-up to tonight’s Republican presidential debate, the Republican National Committee has issued a list of approved questions which the moderators are permitted to ask.


The questions include the following:


1) What makes you so great?

2) No, really, you’re being too modest. Tell us more about how great you are.

3) You would obviously make a fantastic President. What else would you be really good at?

4) Are you worried America will become just way too great if you become President?

5) Do you have a website where people can donate or sign up to volunteer?

6) I think Hillary Clinton should be in jail for her emails or Benghazi or something. What do you think?

7) You look fantastic.

8) Sorry, did I forget to ask a question there? What question would you like me to ask you?

9) Ronald Reagan.

10) Sorry, I did it again. Um. What happens if too many people want to vote for you, and lines at the polls are really long?


Some RNC leaders expressed concerned that question #5 is a “gotcha” question, but after extensive internal debate decided to keep it in. “We need to show that we’re not afraid of anything,” said a spokesman.


For an exciting moment, we thought these were the actual candidates.

Growing scrutiny over Ben Carson’s claims to have been 3rd man on the moon, defeated SPECTRE

9 Nov

DES MOINES, Iowa–Ben Carson’s presidential campaign came under further scrutiny today as fact-checkers questioned several additional elements of his biography.


“We’ve looked at the plans of the Apollo 11 spacecraft, and we’re now starting to seriously wonder whether there was even room for a fourth person to ‘hide away where the other guys couldn’t see me,’ as Carson claims,” said NASA spokesman Bill Rawlings. “We’re not totally ruling it out, but it’s kind of a stretch.”

In another blow, co-producers of the James Bond franchise Barbara Broccoli and Michael Wilson released a statement that “we have no evidence of Carson’s involvement in Bond’s ongoing battle against the supernational crime organization SPECTRE.” Broccoli went on to note that SPECTRE is a fictional organization, and that “watching all the movies again, we still haven’t seen Carson fighting side-by-side with Sean Connery, not even in the outtakes.”

The Carson campaign released a detailed point-by-point rebuttal, noting that many of the people raising troubling questions about Carson’s veracity are “poopyheads” and that many of them “are probably big liars themselves.” A spokesman went on to ask “what’s more important to you in a candidate–experience and veracity, or being really rude to the president at a prayer breakfast?”

At press time, the NFL was reviewing footage of Super Bowl XXI to determine whether Giants quarterback Phil Simms actually left at halftime and was replaced by a mystery man whose face was never quite visible on camera.

Growing concern as Muslim chosen as imam of local mosque

6 Nov

HOUSTON—local residents here are on high alert for terrorist threats following the news that a local mosque has selected a Muslim as its new imam.

“We all understand what’s going on here,” said Don Elfridge, chairman of a local anti-shariah committee. “First, Islam wants to take over all the mosques. The next step after that—total world domination.” Elfridge, who was seated across the road from the mosque on a camping chair with a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon, vowed that he and his friends wouldn’t sit idly by and watch.

The Quba Islamic Institute, which suffered an arson attack in February from freedom-loving Americans, announced that it had selected Ahsan Zahid as its new imam, citing his record of accomplishments inside and outside the Islamic community of Houston, citing in particular his positive engagement with non-Muslim residents of Houston after the arson attack.

“It’s just a smokescreen,” said Elfridge. “We all know what’s going on in there. They’re no doubt conducting religious worship and just waiting until we let our guard down.” Elfridge glanced away from the mosque for just a moment to pay the Domino’s guy, then resumed his vigil. “Not on my watch,” he added.

In political compromise, no one in Houston will be allowed to use the bathroom at all

4 Nov

HOUSTON—after a backlash against the defeat of an anti-discrimination ordinance yesterday, one that opponents claimed would “allow men into women’s bathrooms,” the city council and mayor here announced a compromise that would ensure no one was allowed into any bathroom at all.

Mayor Annise Parker, a strong supporter of the ordinance, said at a press conference that “while this compromise is far from perfect, it is better than continuing a legacy of discrimination on the basis of gender identity.” She then declined to take questions and walked off the stage quickly, explaining that she had “an urgent event to attend in Galveston.”

Opponents of the anti-discrimination ordinance ran a series of ads that seemed to equate being in a protected class with being a sexual offender. “I’m pretty sure that history is on our side,” said Texas Governor Greg Abbott (R). “Hopefully we’ve just passed Peak Tolerance.”

Abbott went on to say that he was not deaf to the pleas of transgender individuals to have some place where they can legally urinate. “We plan to have separate but equal facilities in place shortly,” he explained.


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