NEW YORK—as early April stretches into mid-April, most Americans are now saying they’ve had about enough baseball for the year.
“I mean, I love spring training, Opening Day, all of that,” said David Landry, filing out of another Yankees loss this afternoon. “But it just seems like this season’s been going on forever. I’m about ready to be done, you know?”
“I’m just tired of seeing it everywhere—bars, the gym, in the kitchen at work—and I just figure we must be almost through with this,” said Tammira Philippe, who barely looked up as someone in a uniform hit a bloop single. “I just think however many games we’ve had—what is it, seven, eight? It’s too many.”
Major League Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred responded to the comments with understanding, and said that baseball was looking into ways to keep the game interesting, such as not playing baseball as much.
To make the game more interesting, players will have to use angled bats on weekends.
NEW YORK—ending months of speculation, Hillary Clinton formally launched her presidential campaign yesterday. Speaking in a short video, she reminded Democratic primary voters that “it’s my turn, and you don’t really have a choice, do you?”
While stirring patriotic music played in the background, Clinton spoke directly into the camera. “What are you going to do, draft Joe Biden?” she asked. “Vote for Martin O’Malley? Come on.”
Later, a spokesman explained that “the most successful presidential candidates are the ones with a sense of entitlement, who take it for granted” and that “a little taunting the voters never hurt anyone.”
Experts agree that Hillary’s greatest challenge is to explain why voters should elect her President, and she tackled this question head-on in the video, addressing the camera and explaining that “I really, really want to be President, and I’ve been waiting a long time, and so you have to vote for me.”
“Come on. Who else are you going to vote for? Chris Dodd?”
NEW YORK—in a surprising move, famous drag queen RuPaul announced on Tuesday that he was entering the Republican primary, becoming the second declared candidate after Sen. Ted Cruz (R—TX).
RuPaul, the Tea Party darling, is noted for his outspoken small-government views, isolationist foreign policy, and longstanding career in drag, announced that “this is not a campaign for me, but for all Americans who feel oppressed by the long arm of government, who just want to live their lives alone, holed up in their bunkers with their dog, guns, and canned food.”
While many had expected Sen. Rand Paul (R—KY) to enter the race, RuPaul explained that “Rand and I talked it over, and we both agreed that I’m a lot more in the mainstream than he is.”
Libertarian supporters noted that they felt “more confident than ever,” pointing out that Atlas Shrugged was currently #1,282 on the Amazon bestseller list, just behind A Wolf’s Desire, which is about sex with werewolves.
Known for his fierce opposition to the Federal Reserve
TALLAHASSEE—Jeb Bush, who admitted yesterday that he had mistakenly identified himself as Hispanic on a 2009 voter-registration form, today announced that he was making good on his campaign platform and immediately deporting himself.
“Me refiero a lo que digo, y digo lo que quiero decir,” said Bush at a hastily called press conference in Matamoros, Mexico, where he unceremoniously dumped himself shortly after 6am this morning. “Tenemos demasiados los hispanos en los Estados Unidos ya , y yo vamos a hacer nada en mi poder para reducir su número.”
“Aunque me reservo el derecho de modificar mi posición después de la elección primaria,” he added.
Bush immediately gained six points in a Fox News/Tinfoil Hat poll of likely Republican primary voters.
“This is the kind of gutsy leadership we need,” said Bill O’Reilly later in the morning. “Here you have a guy who hasn’t had a job in eight years and who wants the federal government to fund his lifestyle going forward—deportation doesn’t get clearer than that. And extra points for having the guts to kick out a US citizen who has every legal right to be here.”
The scandal has also swept up fellow Republican Rand Paul, who apparently affirmed in a 2011 voter-registration form that he was of “sound mind” and able to exercise the vote responsibly.
“Por lo menos me acordé de votar ese año , a diferencia de 2008″
JERUSALEM—denouncing the US-Iranian nuclear accord as just a “Band-Aid solution,” Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu today demanded a series of changes in the deal to make it more acceptable.
“First,” said Netanyahu, “the Iranian government must cease all nuclear activity, and have all its nuclear equipment taken away.\
“Second, the Iranian government must resign in disgrace and go into exile, and the Iranian people must be able to choose their government freely in democratic elections, and they must choose a center-right government that strongly supports Israel.
“Third, we must be given a realistic plan to lose thirty pounds in thirty days, without changing our diet or exercising.
“Lastly, I want a pony.”
When reporters asked Netanyahu what the Iranian government would receive in exchange for these concessions, he grinned, and in a dramatic gesture held up a fistful of 2-for-1 drink coupons at the Tel Aviv Chili’s. “Any more questions?”
The Israeli PM, moments after being told that snacks would not be served at the press conference
LITTLE ROCK—the Arkansas legislature, worried that the state might climb out of its 49th-place ranking for child poverty, today passed a religious-freedom law designed to prevent out-of-town money from reaching the state.
“Being isolated and poor is what this great state is all about, and in recent years we’ve had too much interest from big coastal businesses in setting up shop here,” said Arkansas House Speaker Jeremy Gillam (R), who represents White [sic] County. “We figured this was the best way to keep those fancy East-Coast dollars from corrupting our way of life.”
As designed, a number of large businesses immediately condemned the bill, and in some cases announced plans to avoid Arkansas, just as some have threatened to reduce their investments in Indiana, which recently passed a similar bill. Some in-state criticism also came from Walmart, a well-known bastion of bleeding-heart liberals.
“Mission accomplished,” said Gillam. “Hopefully this bill will keep our proud traditions of pellagra and scurvy in our schools for years to come.”
“Just the right amount of bigotry,” announced Gillam after the bill’s passage
INDIANAPOLIS—in a bold move defending the rights of the traditionally oppressed Christian minority here, Gov. Mike Pence (R) today signed a law that allows residents of Indiana to punch gay people in the face, if they have a religious reason for doing so, or “they really just don’t like gay people.”
Said Pence, signing the law, “Today we take another step towards protecting people who might otherwise feel like they can’t fully express their bigotry without somehow being judged.”
While critics have attacked the law for its blatant pandering to prejudice, Pence dismissed the criticism as coming from “outsiders—people living in New York, black people, that sort of thing.”
Pence also rejected claims that the law would just entrench discrimination. “It’s not about discriminating against gays,” he explained. “It’s about treating them differently and worse, for no valid reason.”
Mike Pence asking a gay reporter to leave the press conference “for religious reasons”