Donald Trump appears on The View to discuss yoga and meditation routines

3 Jan

NEW YORK–explaining that one of his New Year’s resolutions was to live an “even healthier lifestyle,” President-Elect Donald Trump appeared yesterday on The View to discuss his daily yoga and meditation routine.

“My body is a temple,” said Trump. “That’s why I am a strict vegan, and I spent ninety minutes every morning meditating and working through my practice.”

Pressed for details, Trump gave a detailed twenty-minute explanation of his yoga sequence. “My practice is mostly ashtanga vinyasa,” he explained, “and it’s important to me to dissipate any vata that builds up. So I start as you’d expect, and work up to upavista konasana, then a supta konasana, then a supta padangustasana, and so on.”

After his start to the day, which Trump prefers to do while facing the rising sun, “I will have some coconut water, or if I’m really hungry, a few lentils with shaved lemongrass.”

Trump chooses additional homes in Boston, Dallas, Houston, and San Francisco

19 Dec

NEW YORK–responding to concerns that his continued residence in the middle of New York is disrupting life for the city, President-Elect Donald Trump today announced that he would be splitting his time between New York, Washington, and four other large American cities.

“I realize it can be a significant pain having the President-Elect living in the middle of a crowded city, due to security and other concerns,” said Trump in a statement released to the press at four o’clock this morning. “That’s why I’ve decided to split my time across six different cities instead of just two.”

Mayor Ed Lee of San Francisco said he was “not quite sure” who Donald Trump was, but said that he would be welcome in the city. He later called back to say that he had reviewed Trump’s financial disclosures and wasn’t sure whether the President-Elect could afford to live downtown.

“Maybe with a roommate, or in that tower that’s sinking into the dirt,” said Lee.

In addition to splitting his time between six different cities, Trump announced that he would also fly aimlessly around the country on Mondays and Fridays, landing at “whatever major airport looks nice.”

Chris Christie “just not lemonade-stand material,” says daughter

2 Dec

TRENTON, New Jersey–Gov. Chris Christie’s ambitions suffered another blow when his daughter Bridget said that he “just isn’t lemonade-stand helper material,” sources close to the Christie family reported this morning.

According to someone familiar with the matter, Gov. Christie had suggested to Bridget that he could “squeeze lemons, carry the water, and get ice” to help her with her lemonade stand planned for the sidewalk in front of the governor’s mansion. While Ms. Christie said that her father “was in many ways a very compelling candidate,” she ended up giving the helper post instead to Tommy Wilkins from her math class, who was apparently “also well-qualified to make change and interact with customers.”

Gov. Christie, who never formally applied for the role, later held a press conference denying that he had ever held any specific ambitions for the post. “I’m just excited to support Bridget in any way that I can, and if that’s staying in the house away from the windows so no one sees me, then that’s terrific,” said the governor.

Trump replaces campaign platform with “flying around and doing whatever”

29 Nov

NEW YORK–only weeks after winning the presidential election, Donald Trump announced today that he was making some tweaks to his campaign platform.

“Remember how I said I’d bring jobs back to the heartland? Probably not going to happen,” said the President-Elect. “And instead of building the wall, I thought we might just think about a wall. Okay?”

“Also, we won’t be deporting anyone, or starting a trade war with China, and I’m not going to investigate Hillary Clinton.”

When asked what he would keep from the campaign platform that got him elected, Trump thought for a few minutes. “I think the natural evolution of the platform is, instead of doing stuff, to just sort of fly around and give speeches,” he said. “And hats! We’ll have lots of hats!”

Trump disputes his own election victory

27 Nov

NEW YORK–a visibly angry Donald Trump today demanded a full recount of the November presidential election “in all 55 states,” saying that his margin of victory had been badly underestimated.

“My numbers show that I defeated Hillary Clinton by more than one hundred million votes,” said Trump at an impromptu press conference. “They also show that I won more electoral votes than anyone else in history, and also that I placed first in the all-around women’s gymnastics in Rio.”

The Federal Election Commission, caught off-guard, released a statement later in the day denying the existence of Trump’s extra four states, which included North Idaho, Central Texas, West America, and Eastern West Virginia.

“The whole system is rigged,” said Trump, deftly executing a back handspring down the escalator at Trump Tower.

Trump appoints two women and one African-American to cabinet; “thank God that’s over with”

24 Nov

NEW YORK–moments after announcing the appointments of Nikki Haley, Betsy DeVos, and Ben Carson to his cabinet, Donald Trump turned back to journalists and said “wow, thank God we’re done with those.”

Elaborating in response to a question nobody asked, Trump explained that “people were criticizing us for only appointing white men, so I asked the transition team to find some posts I didn’t care about and pick some ladies or blacks to shut ’em up.”

When asked whether the Departments of Education and HUD, and the United Nations, should be posts no one cared about, Trump burst into laughter. “Good one!” he said, high-fiving the reporter who asked.

“But seriously,” he continued, “we’re done now, right? I don’t have to do any more ladies, right?”

At press time, Trump was apparently devising an obstacle course to help select the next Secretary of Defense. “If you can get through the Slime Warrior Run, you’ll be perfect to manage our military,” he explained.

Trump University settles lawsuits; will start offering PhDs in engineering

19 Nov

NEW YORK–after months of announcing that he would never settle the lawsuits around Trump University, President-Elect Donald Trump announced today that he would, in fact, settle for $25m.

“I’m disappointed not to be able to take our strong case to trial, but I won’t have time as President to fight the lawsuit,” said Trump. “In addition, I don’t want any distractions from our exciting new doctoral program that starts in January.”

Trump said that the university would begin offering PhDs in biomechanical engineering and aerodynamics. “As part of making America great again, we need to double-down on STEM, and Trump University is going to be part of the solution,” he explained.

There was some skepticism from accrediting bodies, who noted that no new faculty were being hired, meaning that the doctoral program would be taught by the former real-estate seminar leaders.

“How hard can it be?” asked Trump. “It’s not rocket science. Except for the aerodynamics one, I mean.”

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