Chris Christie “just not lemonade-stand material,” says daughter

2 Dec

TRENTON, New Jersey–Gov. Chris Christie’s ambitions suffered another blow when his daughter Bridget said that he “just isn’t lemonade-stand helper material,” sources close to the Christie family reported this morning.

According to someone familiar with the matter, Gov. Christie had suggested to Bridget that he could “squeeze lemons, carry the water, and get ice” to help her with her lemonade stand planned for the sidewalk in front of the governor’s mansion. While Ms. Christie said that her father “was in many ways a very compelling candidate,” she ended up giving the helper post instead to Tommy Wilkins from her math class, who was apparently “also well-qualified to make change and interact with customers.”

Gov. Christie, who never formally applied for the role, later held a press conference denying that he had ever held any specific ambitions for the post. “I’m just excited to support Bridget in any way that I can, and if that’s staying in the house away from the windows so no one sees me, then that’s terrific,” said the governor.

Trump replaces campaign platform with “flying around and doing whatever”

29 Nov

NEW YORK–only weeks after winning the presidential election, Donald Trump announced today that he was making some tweaks to his campaign platform.

“Remember how I said I’d bring jobs back to the heartland? Probably not going to happen,” said the President-Elect. “And instead of building the wall, I thought we might just think about a wall. Okay?”

“Also, we won’t be deporting anyone, or starting a trade war with China, and I’m not going to investigate Hillary Clinton.”

When asked what he would keep from the campaign platform that got him elected, Trump thought for a few minutes. “I think the natural evolution of the platform is, instead of doing stuff, to just sort of fly around and give speeches,” he said. “And hats! We’ll have lots of hats!”

Trump disputes his own election victory

27 Nov

NEW YORK–a visibly angry Donald Trump today demanded a full recount of the November presidential election “in all 55 states,” saying that his margin of victory had been badly underestimated.

“My numbers show that I defeated Hillary Clinton by more than one hundred million votes,” said Trump at an impromptu press conference. “They also show that I won more electoral votes than anyone else in history, and also that I placed first in the all-around women’s gymnastics in Rio.”

The Federal Election Commission, caught off-guard, released a statement later in the day denying the existence of Trump’s extra four states, which included North Idaho, Central Texas, West America, and Eastern West Virginia.

“The whole system is rigged,” said Trump, deftly executing a back handspring down the escalator at Trump Tower.

Trump appoints two women and one African-American to cabinet; “thank God that’s over with”

24 Nov

NEW YORK–moments after announcing the appointments of Nikki Haley, Betsy DeVos, and Ben Carson to his cabinet, Donald Trump turned back to journalists and said “wow, thank God we’re done with those.”

Elaborating in response to a question nobody asked, Trump explained that “people were criticizing us for only appointing white men, so I asked the transition team to find some posts I didn’t care about and pick some ladies or blacks to shut ’em up.”

When asked whether the Departments of Education and HUD, and the United Nations, should be posts no one cared about, Trump burst into laughter. “Good one!” he said, high-fiving the reporter who asked.

“But seriously,” he continued, “we’re done now, right? I don’t have to do any more ladies, right?”

At press time, Trump was apparently devising an obstacle course to help select the next Secretary of Defense. “If you can get through the Slime Warrior Run, you’ll be perfect to manage our military,” he explained.

Trump University settles lawsuits; will start offering PhDs in engineering

19 Nov

NEW YORK–after months of announcing that he would never settle the lawsuits around Trump University, President-Elect Donald Trump announced today that he would, in fact, settle for $25m.

“I’m disappointed not to be able to take our strong case to trial, but I won’t have time as President to fight the lawsuit,” said Trump. “In addition, I don’t want any distractions from our exciting new doctoral program that starts in January.”

Trump said that the university would begin offering PhDs in biomechanical engineering and aerodynamics. “As part of making America great again, we need to double-down on STEM, and Trump University is going to be part of the solution,” he explained.

There was some skepticism from accrediting bodies, who noted that no new faculty were being hired, meaning that the doctoral program would be taught by the former real-estate seminar leaders.

“How hard can it be?” asked Trump. “It’s not rocket science. Except for the aerodynamics one, I mean.”

Mike Pence reports difficulty finding enough qualified white supremacists to lead government

16 Nov

NEW YORK–The Trump transition team endured another rocky day today, with further reports of infighting, paperwork problems and no new appointments to announce.

“The basic problem is that there just are just not that many white supremacists with experience running large government departments,” explained Vice-President-Elect Mike Pence, who is leading the transition effort after previous head Chris Christie was sent on an important mission to pick up some Arby’s.

“For example,” said Pence,”to lead the Department of Transportation, you’d really like someone with experience overseeing major infrastructure projects, leading several thousand people, and controlling a multi-billion-dollar budget. But people with those resumes generally don’t understand how to stoke a race riot or the basic categories of racial purity that we’re looking for.”

On the bright side, Pence noted that there were plenty of strong candidates for the Department of Making Angry Hand-Painted Signs and the Bureau of Shooting Cans in the Woods.

Chris Christie promoted from head of Trump transition team to Special Advisor Without Portfolio

12 Nov

NEW YORK–Chris Christie’s rapid political ascent continued today with the news that Donald Trump was promoting him from head of the transition team to “Special Advisor,” a post created especially for him.

“As Special Advisor to Donald Trump, I’ll have some of the most important responsibilities in his administration,” said Christie. “For example, I will be responsible for washing the team’s uniforms at home and bringing them back to school. Also, I’ll be in charge of keeping the locker room nice and tidy.”

President-Elect Trump called Chris Christie on Friday afternoon to give him the good news. “Chris, you’ve done such a good job running the transition team, that I want you to stop doing it,” he reportedly said. “I’m going to need you for the big stuff now, like handing out the little cartons of milk at lunchtime, and choosing the order to wake everyone up from nap time.”

Experts agreed that the promotion took Christie to even greater levels. “We’re really in uncharted territory here,” said Suzanne Baldrich, Professor of Made-Up Jobs at the University of Idaho. “Special advisor could mean anything, and Christie’s responsibilities just seem to keep growing. Just this morning we heard that he would be in charge of counting off the Cabinet when they come back in from recess and making sure everyone is there.”

Christie, shown here making sure that everyone is lined up straight before heading to lunch

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