NEW YORK–hours after Donald Trump accidentally backed over his neighbor’s dog, Rudy Giuliani gave a series of interviews in which he called it “an act of driving genius.”
Said Giuliani, “Donald is the best driver any of us knows. He’s spent so much time behind the wheel that he’s the only one who can fix our nation’s broken traffic laws.”
Later in the day, Trump was eating a hot dog when he spilled mustard down the front of his shirt, prompting Giuliani to call him “a condiments genius.”
NEW YORK–Hillary Clinton’s longstanding grudge against actor Ed O’Neill erupted again during the presidential debate on Monday night, when she launched a lengthy tirade against the actor best known for his roles on Married…With Children as well as Modern Family.
To the surprise of the audience and dismay of her campaign staff, Clinton was in the middle of a lengthy technical discussion of trade policy when she veered off course to attack O’Neill.
“The TPP let us down in key areas of tariff reduction,” said Clinton. “But you know who else let us down? Ed O’Neill, that big loser.”
Clinton went on to make fun of O’Neill’s achievements. “Nominated for three primetime Emmys. Who does that?” she asked rhetorically. “Losers who can’t act, that’s who.”
Hillary Clinton’s resentment of O’Neill dates back to his days portraying Al Bundy on Married. Friends trace the cause of the bad blood to a time when, for no reason at all, she started to criticize him a lot for no good reason and just couldn’t let it go.
While Clinton’s staff desperately tried to change the subject, the candidate was unmoved. “We’ve got two more debates,” she warned. “If Ed O’Neill believes he’s going to get out of them unscathed, he has another think coming.”
Clinton is known for mouthing off about people she doesn’t like for no reason whatsoever.
TRENTON–Gov. Chris Christie (R) today denied that he had even wanted the cashier’s job at Hassan’s 24-Hour Car Wash, just down the street from the statehouse. Owner Hassan Haleed announced yesterday that the role would go to 27-year-old Ron Wetherston, who will be leaving his post at Arby’s in the coming weeks.
“I already have a job,” said Christie after checking his phone. “While the cashier’s job at Hassan’s is of course a real plum, I’m not thinking about what comes next. I’m focused on doing the best job that I can for the people of New Jersey.”
Experts dispute this account, noting that Christie had been promoting the car wash extensively in recent weeks, twirling a big arrow on the sidewalk outside Hassan’s and promoting the “Luxury Wax” service in frequent speeches.
Wetherston, who many think was picked because of his familiarity with the type of cash register used at Hassan’s, spoke graciously of Christie. “He’s a real talent, and he will always be a close friend of the car wash,” said Wetherston. He did not respond to questions asking whether Christie might be able to get a different job on the lot, perhaps in concessions or on the hose. “It’s too early for those discussions,” he said.
WASHINGTON–after a close textual analysis of both speeches, President Obama announced that he was “about 90% certain” that Donald Trump had not plagiarized his 2008 convention speech.
“We did a side-by-side comparison,” said the President. “And while we did find a few similarities, overall, I think they were pretty different.”
“For example, I said ‘It is that promise that’s always set this country apart, that through hard work and sacrifice each of us can pursue our individual dreams, but still come together as one American family, to ensure that the next generation can pursue their dreams, as well.’ Donald’s line sounds similar, but if you look at the exact words, he actually said, ‘If you don’t vote for me, terrorists will murder you in your sleep, and crows will feast on your eyeballs.”
“Also, his lines about Americans choking on their own blood–I didn’t actually use those exact words in my speech, even though you might have thought so.”
Asked about the similarities he did spot, the President noted that “We both wore suits, and we thanked the audience at the end.” He paused and thought for a moment. “I think.”
CLEVELAND–under pressure to show a sunnier, optimistic side in his acceptance speech on the final night of the Republican National Convention, experts agree that Donald Trump delivered, promising America that “you will all drown in a deluge of blood” if Hillary Clinton wins.
“My fellow Americans,” began Trump. “The crows will eat your eyeballs and brains unless I am elected.”
Said one delegate, “He’s just filled the room with so much light and energy. I’ve got a spring in my step, and a smile in my heart. Especially when he told us that our children would become drug-addicted criminals if we didn’t vote for him.”
Trump, who has been accused of a negative tone, deftly turned the tables in his speech, promising that “if elected, I promise that no one will rip your still-beating heart out of your chest and eat it in front of you.”
CLEVELAND–Melania Trump, the wife of presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump, held the Republican convention spellbound here yesterday, telling the delegates that “I have a dream…that one day my children will live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.”
As the delegates rose to their feet, spellbound by her eloquence, she continued.
“When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.”
While some criticized her speech for not having enough racism, or inciting violence, everyone was impressed by her conclusion.
“With malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in, to bind up the nation’s wounds, to care for him who shall have borne the battle and for his widow “and his orphan, to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace among ourselves and with all nations,” she said, to wild cheering throughout the hall.
“Ask not what your country can do for you,” said Ms. Trump, “but what you can do for your country.”
SAN FRANCISCO–Carly Fiorina’s vice-presidential campaign is struggling, with little attention from the media and fundraising problems, sources close to Fiorina say. The candidate herself is said to be “concerned” that she may not be getting enough traction to be elected in November.
“I don’t know what the problem is,” said a top aide, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Carly is a great candidate–she speaks well, her policies are well-thought-through, and she appeals to groups across the political spectrum. But she just doesn’t seem to be making the headway that we thought she would.”
Fiorina announced her candidacy for vice-president in late April, and garnered significant media attention for a few weeks, with many calling her announcement–before the presidential primaries were even over–“bold” and even “unusual.” Since then, however, her rallies have been sparsely attended, and few donors have lined up behind her.
“I’d like to support her,” said Paul Singer, a wealthy Republican donor. “But…sorry, what are you asking me about again? Is this a trick question?”
Sources close to Fiorina say that she is “coming to accept that she may not be our next vice-president.”