TRENTON–Gov. Chris Christie (R) today denied that he had even wanted the cashier’s job at Hassan’s 24-Hour Car Wash, just down the street from the statehouse. Owner Hassan Haleed announced yesterday that the role would go to 27-year-old Ron Wetherston, who will be leaving his post at Arby’s in the coming weeks.
“I already have a job,” said Christie after checking his phone. “While the cashier’s job at Hassan’s is of course a real plum, I’m not thinking about what comes next. I’m focused on doing the best job that I can for the people of New Jersey.”
Experts dispute this account, noting that Christie had been promoting the car wash extensively in recent weeks, twirling a big arrow on the sidewalk outside Hassan’s and promoting the “Luxury Wax” service in frequent speeches.
Wetherston, who many think was picked because of his familiarity with the type of cash register used at Hassan’s, spoke graciously of Christie. “He’s a real talent, and he will always be a close friend of the car wash,” said Wetherston. He did not respond to questions asking whether Christie might be able to get a different job on the lot, perhaps in concessions or on the hose. “It’s too early for those discussions,” he said.
WASHINGTON–after a close textual analysis of both speeches, President Obama announced that he was “about 90% certain” that Donald Trump had not plagiarized his 2008 convention speech.
“We did a side-by-side comparison,” said the President. “And while we did find a few similarities, overall, I think they were pretty different.”
“For example, I said ‘It is that promise that’s always set this country apart, that through hard work and sacrifice each of us can pursue our individual dreams, but still come together as one American family, to ensure that the next generation can pursue their dreams, as well.’ Donald’s line sounds similar, but if you look at the exact words, he actually said, ‘If you don’t vote for me, terrorists will murder you in your sleep, and crows will feast on your eyeballs.”
“Also, his lines about Americans choking on their own blood–I didn’t actually use those exact words in my speech, even though you might have thought so.”
Asked about the similarities he did spot, the President noted that “We both wore suits, and we thanked the audience at the end.” He paused and thought for a moment. “I think.”
CLEVELAND–under pressure to show a sunnier, optimistic side in his acceptance speech on the final night of the Republican National Convention, experts agree that Donald Trump delivered, promising America that “you will all drown in a deluge of blood” if Hillary Clinton wins.
“My fellow Americans,” began Trump. “The crows will eat your eyeballs and brains unless I am elected.”
Said one delegate, “He’s just filled the room with so much light and energy. I’ve got a spring in my step, and a smile in my heart. Especially when he told us that our children would become drug-addicted criminals if we didn’t vote for him.”
Trump, who has been accused of a negative tone, deftly turned the tables in his speech, promising that “if elected, I promise that no one will rip your still-beating heart out of your chest and eat it in front of you.”
CLEVELAND–Melania Trump, the wife of presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump, held the Republican convention spellbound here yesterday, telling the delegates that “I have a dream…that one day my children will live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.”
As the delegates rose to their feet, spellbound by her eloquence, she continued.
“When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.”
While some criticized her speech for not having enough racism, or inciting violence, everyone was impressed by her conclusion.
“With malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in, to bind up the nation’s wounds, to care for him who shall have borne the battle and for his widow “and his orphan, to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace among ourselves and with all nations,” she said, to wild cheering throughout the hall.
“Ask not what your country can do for you,” said Ms. Trump, “but what you can do for your country.”
SAN FRANCISCO–Carly Fiorina’s vice-presidential campaign is struggling, with little attention from the media and fundraising problems, sources close to Fiorina say. The candidate herself is said to be “concerned” that she may not be getting enough traction to be elected in November.
“I don’t know what the problem is,” said a top aide, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Carly is a great candidate–she speaks well, her policies are well-thought-through, and she appeals to groups across the political spectrum. But she just doesn’t seem to be making the headway that we thought she would.”
Fiorina announced her candidacy for vice-president in late April, and garnered significant media attention for a few weeks, with many calling her announcement–before the presidential primaries were even over–“bold” and even “unusual.” Since then, however, her rallies have been sparsely attended, and few donors have lined up behind her.
“I’d like to support her,” said Paul Singer, a wealthy Republican donor. “But…sorry, what are you asking me about again? Is this a trick question?”
Sources close to Fiorina say that she is “coming to accept that she may not be our next vice-president.”
LONDON–UK prime minister David Cameron, in the final months of his tenure, has started to think about his legacy, sources close to the PM say. Cameron, a modest man, reportedly acknowledges that “most leaders are only remembered for one or two things,” and expects that his place in history will be defined primarily by his support for the continued development of UK rail and his thoughtful handling of the Israeli arms-embargo debate, sources close to the PM say.
“I don’t think there’s much else that people will bother with,” said Cameron. “It’s really going to be my unstinting support for gradual reforms to UK infrastructure and a business-as-usual approach to foreign policy. That’s probably going to be what people remember me for, the same way that when you hear the name Neville Chamberlain, you immediately think of the Coal Act of 1938 and not much else.”
Cameron went on to compare his legacy to those of other world leaders. “What do you think of when someone mentions Herbert Hoover? His leadership in negotiating a new treaty over the St. Lawrence Seaway, of course. And who can remember anything about Richard Nixon aside from the National Sickle-Cell Anemia Control Act of 1972?”
PM David Cameron: “At least nothing bad happened.”
LONDON–in a surprise to experts, British voters chose overnight to leave the European Union by a surprisingly wide margin of 52% to 48%.
English voters chose Brexit by a wide margin, while Scotland voted heavily for remain. Scottish National Party leader Nicola Sturgeon confirmed that the SNP would immediately push for another referendum to secede from the UK and remain in the EU.
Edinburgh voters, meanwhile, were less sympathetic to the Remain campaign, and the Edinburgh Independence Party released a statement stating that it would be pushing for a vote to determine whether Edinburgh should remain part of Scotland in order to avoid leaving the UK.
The St. Andrews Civic Association, representing the prosperous section of the city where many businesses are headquartered, disavowed the EIP independence push, and announced that it was launching a campaign to leave Edinburgh in order to remain part of Scotland in order to exit the UK in order to remain part of Europe.
McClachey’s, a small coffee shop in the middle of St. Andrews Square, announced that it wanted no part of the “SACA’s twisted schemes,” and that it would secede from St. Andrews in order to remain part of Edinburgh.
David Gillies, who started at McClachey’s three weeks ago, said that the whole thing was “rubbish” and he was going to look for a job at Costa Coffee on the other side of the square.
In the meantime, UK Prime Minister David Cameron, who called the Brexit referendum despite opposing an EU departure, announced that he would resign in the coming months. Although he did not specify his future plans, he did say that he had an idea for a startup to deter thieves by placing thermonuclear devices inside cars that would go off if anyone tampers with the door locks.