Barack Obama “pretty sure” that Donald Trump didn’t plagiarize his 2008 convention speech

21 Jul

WASHINGTON–after a close textual analysis of both speeches, President Obama announced that he was “about 90% certain” that Donald Trump had not plagiarized his 2008 convention speech.

 

“We did a side-by-side comparison,” said the President. “And while we did find a few similarities, overall, I think they were pretty different.”

 

“For example, I said ‘It is that promise that’s always set this country apart, that through hard work and sacrifice each of us can pursue our individual dreams, but still come together as one American family, to ensure that the next generation can pursue their dreams, as well.’ Donald’s line sounds similar, but if you look at the exact words, he actually said, ‘If you don’t vote for me, terrorists will murder you in your sleep, and crows will feast on your eyeballs.”

 

“Also, his lines about Americans choking on their own blood–I didn’t actually use those exact words in my speech, even though you might have thought so.”

 

Asked about the similarities he did spot, the President noted that “We both wore suits, and we thanked the audience at the end.” He paused and thought for a moment. “I think.”

Donald Trump, in uplifting speech, tells America “terrorists will come murder you in your sleep”

21 Jul

CLEVELAND–under pressure to show a sunnier, optimistic side in his acceptance speech on the final night of the Republican National Convention, experts agree that Donald Trump delivered, promising America that “you will all drown in a deluge of blood” if Hillary Clinton wins.

 

“My fellow Americans,” began Trump. “The crows will eat your eyeballs and brains unless I am elected.”

 

Said one delegate, “He’s just filled the room with so much light and energy. I’ve got a spring in my step, and a smile in my heart. Especially when he told us that our children would become drug-addicted criminals if we didn’t vote for him.”

 

Trump, who has been accused of a negative tone, deftly turned the tables in his speech, promising that “if elected, I promise that no one will rip your still-beating heart out of your chest and eat it in front of you.”

Melania Trump tells GOP convention that “I have a dream”

19 Jul

CLEVELAND–Melania Trump, the wife of presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump, held the Republican convention spellbound here yesterday, telling the delegates that “I have a dream…that one day my children will live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.”

 

As the delegates rose to their feet, spellbound by her eloquence, she continued.

 

“When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.”

 

While some criticized her speech for not having enough racism, or inciting violence, everyone was impressed by her conclusion.

 

“With malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in, to bind up the nation’s wounds, to care for him who shall have borne the battle and for his widow “and his orphan, to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace among ourselves and with all nations,” she said, to wild cheering throughout the hall.

“Ask not what your country can do for you,” said Ms. Trump, “but what you can do for your country.”

Carly Fiorina worried that her vice-presidential campaign is not gaining traction

10 Jul

SAN FRANCISCO–Carly Fiorina’s vice-presidential campaign is struggling, with little attention from the media and fundraising problems, sources close to Fiorina say. The candidate herself is said to be “concerned” that she may not be getting enough traction to be elected in November.

 

“I don’t know what the problem is,” said a top aide, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Carly is a great candidate–she speaks well, her policies are well-thought-through, and she appeals to groups across the political spectrum. But she just doesn’t seem to be making the headway that we thought she would.”

 

Fiorina announced her candidacy for vice-president in late April, and garnered significant media attention for a few weeks, with many calling her announcement–before the presidential primaries were even over–“bold” and even “unusual.” Since then, however, her rallies have been sparsely attended, and few donors have lined up behind her.

 

“I’d like to support her,” said Paul Singer, a wealthy Republican donor. “But…sorry, what are you asking me about again? Is this a trick question?”

Sources close to Fiorina say that she is “coming to accept that she may not be our next vice-president.”

David Cameron expects to be remembered primarily for his infrastructure policies

27 Jun

LONDON–UK prime minister David Cameron, in the final months of his tenure, has started to think about his legacy, sources close to the PM say. Cameron, a modest man, reportedly acknowledges that “most leaders are only remembered for one or two things,” and expects that his place in history will be defined primarily by his support for the continued development of UK rail and his thoughtful handling of the Israeli arms-embargo debate, sources close to the PM say.
 

“I don’t think there’s much else that people will bother with,” said Cameron. “It’s really going to be my unstinting support for gradual reforms to UK infrastructure and a business-as-usual approach to foreign policy. That’s probably going to be what people remember me for, the same way that when you hear the name Neville Chamberlain, you immediately think of the Coal Act of 1938 and not much else.”

 

Cameron went on to compare his legacy to those of other world leaders. “What do you think of when someone mentions Herbert Hoover? His leadership in negotiating a new treaty over the St. Lawrence Seaway, of course. And who can remember anything about Richard Nixon aside from the National Sickle-Cell Anemia Control Act of 1972?”

PM David Cameron: “At least nothing bad happened.”

Twissblog Brexit special

24 Jun

LONDON–in a surprise to experts, British voters chose overnight to leave the European Union by a surprisingly wide margin of 52% to 48%.

 
English voters chose Brexit by a wide margin, while Scotland voted heavily for remain. Scottish National Party leader Nicola Sturgeon confirmed that the SNP would immediately push for another referendum to secede from the UK and remain in the EU.

 
Edinburgh voters, meanwhile, were less sympathetic to the Remain campaign, and the Edinburgh Independence Party released a statement stating that it would be pushing for a vote to determine whether Edinburgh should remain part of Scotland in order to avoid leaving the UK.

 
The St. Andrews Civic Association, representing the prosperous section of the city where many businesses are headquartered, disavowed the EIP independence push, and announced that it was launching a campaign to leave Edinburgh in order to remain part of Scotland in order to exit the UK in order to remain part of Europe.

 
McClachey’s, a small coffee shop in the middle of St. Andrews Square, announced that it wanted no part of the “SACA’s twisted schemes,” and that it would secede from St. Andrews in order to remain part of Edinburgh.
David Gillies, who started at McClachey’s three weeks ago, said that the whole thing was “rubbish” and he was going to look for a job at Costa Coffee on the other side of the square.

 
In the meantime, UK Prime Minister David Cameron, who called the Brexit referendum despite opposing an EU departure, announced that he would resign in the coming months. Although he did not specify his future plans, he did say that he had an idea for a startup to deter thieves by placing thermonuclear devices inside cars that would go off if anyone tampers with the door locks.

Twissblog Lithuanian politics special: “Algirdas Butkevicius is making Rolandas Paksas look like Augustinas Voldemaras”

22 Jun

(Editor’s note: as you may know, the entire staff of Twissblog has been on strike for over a month due to Donald Trump’s success in the Republican primaries. In fact, the only people still working in the building are our CEO, Sumner Redstone, and our Lithuanian exchange-student intern, Elona Norvaisaite. While Mr. Redstone is keenly across every detail of our operations, his long days setting strategy and meeting with the press leave him no time to write articles. We have therefore asked Elona to step in and fill the gap, writing on any political topic she would like. Over to you, Elona!)

 
VILNIUS–in a stunning broadside, Seimas opposition leader Andrius Kubilius today declared that Prime Minister Butkevicius “is going to make Rolandas Paksas look like Augustinas Voldemaras.”

 

While the audacious claim was itself enough to garner headlines worldwide, Kubilius went on to level a series of devastating attacks on the conduct of Brazauskas’s government. These included such well-worn topics as mishandling the relationship with Rospotrebnadzor in the days leading up to Russia’s ban on the import of Lithuanian dairy products as well as less obvious complaints such as the handling of the Seimas vacancy following the death of Juozas Palionis. In a naughtier tone, he twice “mistakenly” referred to Algirdas Butkevicius as “Aligirdas Brazauskas,” a heavy-handed joke that had many in the audience rolling their eyes.

 
Butkevicius, as you would of course have expected, fired back angrily, saying that “Andrius reminds me more of Boguslaw Radziwill,” a clever and cutting riposte that reinforced doubts many Lithuanians had about Kubilius’s foreign policy inclinations.

 

A face so familiar it needs no caption.

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