2 Jul

Plan to “crash Earth into a black hole” called “too extreme” by some


The conservative wing of the Republican party put the Obama administration on notice today that the fight over health-care reform was far from over, promising a campaign that would begin with letter-writing campaigns and end with “disintegrating the entire planet into individual molecules.”

“We will stop at nothing to save America from Obamacare,” said Senator Jim DeMint (R-South Carolina). “And I mean nothing,” he added, patting a Nuclear Death Ray Gun 5000 mounted on the side of his desk.

Around the country, groups of Tea Party supporters vowed not to rest until the individual mandate was repealed, the Democratic Congress thrown out, and the Supreme Court burned to the ground. “The founding fathers didn’t shed their blood so that the three branches of government could provide checks and balances on each other,” explained Debbie Cantrill, chairwoman of the Broward County Freedom Squad. “If we have to disappear into the woods and eat lichen for months to avoid complying with federal law, then we will.”

Elsewhere, Grover Norquist, president of Americans for Tax Reform, announced that as part of a broad-based campaign to restore personal liberty, he was going to release a flesh-eating virus that would turn the entire U.S. population into zombies. “Better that we all become slavering, mindless undead than that any one of us pay a penalty for not having health insurance,” he explained, stirring a cauldron of bubbling green goo.

Democrats were distressed at the new, partisan tone across the aisle. “We were fully prepared to tell the United Nations not to invade Idaho to take away their guns,” explained Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. “But now, I guess it’s game on.”

Some voices of moderation were heard. Colin Powell, Secretary of State under George W. Bush, said that he thought Rep. Kevin McCarthy’s plan to “use giant rockets to crash Earth into a black hole and destroy Obamacare forever” was “too extreme.”

McCarthy, however, was unrepentant. “When the communist-leaning Heritage Foundation came up with the idea of the individual mandate in 1989, they inevitably set the planet on course for destruction,” he explained.

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