5 Jul

“I could have sworn I looked there two or three times already,” says CERN Director

GENEVA—after a multi-decade search costing billions of dollars, scientists yesterday announced that they had finally found the elusive Higgs boson, the last fundamental particle underpinning the Standard Model of Physics.

“It was under the couch in the faculty lounge,” explained Rolf-Dieter Heuer, the Director General of CERN, the European research agency that houses the Large Hadron Collider. “Not the nice cream one next to the coffee machine, but the blue one, in that room where Dr. Henzel keeps his running clothes, even though I tell him not to.”

News that the Higgs boson, best-known as the quantum of the Higgs field, had been found under a couch caused some to question why the multinational research consortium had spent six billion dollars on the Large Hadron Collider, an underground particle accelerator seventeen miles in circumference. The LHC, as it is affectionately known by a small group of people who do not get out very often, apparently played no role at all in the boson’s discovery.

“That’s not true at all,” said Dr. Heuer. “If we didn’t have the LHC, then we wouldn’t be able to afford Rosa the cleaning lady, who was the one who actually found the boson.”

Rosa the cleaning lady confirmed this account. “I moved the sofa to clean up a coffee stain left over from the Mayday party,” she explained through a translator. “There was this particle just sitting there on the carpet. It seemed  to have a mass of about 125 GeV/c2, and it had a complex isospin doublet, and I thought, you know, maybe this is the one those boys have been looking for all this time?”

Speculation as to how the Higgs boson ended up under a couch has focused on the legendary co-founder of CERN, Dr. Edoardo Amaldi, who would sometimes nap on the blue couch in question. “Perhaps he found the Higgs boson, and then just lost it, and was too embarrassed to tell us,” hypothesized Dr. Heuer.

Now that the Standard Model is complete, CERN plans to conduct a new series of experiments, firing lasers at an enormous pile of money to see what happens. “We think ten billion dollars in small, unmarked bills could do the trick,” explained Dr. Heuer.

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