7 Jul

“It’s time to stop this big-particle government,” says DeMint


WASHINGTON, D.C.—Republican leaders around the nation condemned the newly-discovered Higgs boson, calling it an unwarranted interference in “our God-given right to break electroweak gauge symmetry in whatever way we see fit.” The Republican attacks resonated broadly, especially with Tea Party splinter groups that support Abbott-Farhi models of composite vector bosons.

“The Obamaparicle is an outrage,” sputtered Sen. Jim DeMint (R—South Carolina), emerging briefly from his bunker to buy canned goods and ammunition. “If we just leave it alone, the free market will supply incomplete multiplets of scalar and vector bosons.”

Sen. Rand Paul (R—Kentucky) was also fiercely critical. “Just because a couple of experts at CERN offer conclusive proof of a particle’s existence doesn’t mean it actually exists,” he said.

“I have a couple of friends who own particle accelerators, and they would never do something like this,” said Mitt Romney at a campaign stop in New Hampshire. “I promise you that on day one of a Romney presidency we will repeal the Standard Model of physics and replace it with something better.”

Criticism of the Higgs boson focused in particular on its size. “Apparently Barack Obama thinks that you need 125 gigaelectronvolts to create a non-zero vacuum expectation,” said Romney. “Based on my experience running businesses, I pledge to you that we can do it with less than 50 gigaelectronvolts.”

President Obama, who had been spending the day in consultation with European heads of government working on a solution to the economic crisis, emerged from meetings around 4pm to issue a hasty statement, in which he cautiously supported the existence of the Higgs boson but called for further debate.

Elsewhere, the Kansas Board of Education passed a resolution requiring any science teacher seeking to discuss the Higgs boson with a class to read a short statement to the class first. The statement notes that the evidence of the Higgs boson consists of the decay products of collisions in particle accelerators, and that there are other possible explanations for the existence of these decay products. “For example,” the statement explains, “Jesus could have created them.”

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