10 Jul

WASHINGTON–in response to a request from Congress, America’s telecommunications providers today released complete records of all law-enforcement requests to tap, monitor, or otherwise track mobile phones in the United States.

To general surprise, US law enforcement made 1.3 million surveillance requests in 2011. US law enforcement also noted that “most of what people are saying to each other is really stupid.”

“I thought we were going to get something juicy when we started monitoring the phones of a suspected Salafist terror cell outside Detroit,” said FBI Special Agent Ken McGraw. “Do you know how many texts it took them to agree to meet at Pizza Hut after their softball game last week? Sixty-three!”

Special Agent Patricia Kelly concurred. “I have a message for all the terrorists out there,” she said. “First, we are going to find you and take you down. Second, Y-O-U-R means ‘something belonging to you.’ Y-O-U-R-apostrophe-E means ‘you are.'”

Privacy and human-rights advocates were disturbed by the news. “First, only a police state listens to everything,” said ACLU spokesman Jason Billings. “Second, who is actually reading all this stuff? Prisoners in Gitmo?”

“I can’t write normally; I can’t read normally; I can barely speak English,” said one sheriff’s deputy who asked to remain anonymous. “The letter 3 is not the same as the number E!” he yelled before being sedated.

Perhaps inspired by the news, Al-Qaeda released a short statement in which they vowed to up their level of meaningless drivel “until yr gr8 empire is d3stroyed 4ever.”

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