13 Jul

NEW YORK–J.P. Morgan’s trading debacle became more serious today as the bank admitted that its likely losses were not $2 billion, as originally reported, but somewhere in the neighborhood of “a million billion zillion dollars,” according to soon-to-be-ex-CEO Jamie Dimon.

“It was originally about $2 billion,” exclaimed Dimon, patting his luxurious grey locks affectionately. “Then, I dunno, suddenly it was a million billion zillion. Tough break.”

In a lengthy, tense press conference, Dimon explained the additional sources of loss, while generously applying extra-strength gel to his beautiful coiff. The major reasons for the increase in loss include:

  • Hole in bottom of Scrooge-McDuck-style money bin
  • Five-year-old banging on trader’s keyboard during “Take Your Child to Work Day”
  • Unexpected invoice for two thousand cases of Prell Super Hold Styling Mousse
  • Pastry bills

Dimon went on to add that there were some unexplained “additional errors” that made up the majority of the million-billion-zillion dollar loss. In order to take full responsibility, he pledged to forego a “major” part of his 2011 hair-related bonuses.

After the press conference, Dimon left quickly in a Mercedes Sedan, sticking his head out of the passenger-side window as the vehicle roared down Park Avenue.

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