15 Jul

WASHINGTON—Stung by recent attacks on his record as head of Bain Capital, Mitt Romney today reclaimed the initiative with a forceful redefinition of what the word “is” is.

“When I said I was not running Bain Capital after 1999,” explained Romney to a crowd of pumped-up professors of grammar and logic at a library in Cedar Rapids, IA, “I meant ‘was’ in the sense of ‘precise congruence at a point in time,’ rather than in the sense of ‘functionally equivalent over a period of time.’”

Romney also noted that while he might have been “the head” of a Bain entity, that he was not actually “heading it.”

Romney’s forceful counterpunch left the Obama campaign on the defensive and with little choice but to concede the issue. “Say what you will about Mitt Romney, when he gets passionate about a technical point of logic, he’s unstoppable,” said Obama spokesperson Jen Psaki.

Over the past two weeks, the Obama campaign has been forcefully attacking Romney over Bain Capital’s record after 1999, when Romney severed all ties to the company aside from millions of dollars it continued to pay him for no obvious reason, as well as Romney’s truthfulness and consistency when discussing the issue.

Pundits agreed that Romney had put the issue behind him with his four-hour presentation in Cedar Rapids, in which he discussed the etymology of the verb “to be,” delved into the history of US and international corporate governance, and delivered a 45-minute virtuosic exposition entitled “What is Truth?”

“Boy, I sure don’t have a lot of time for big-city folks with big words, but when Mitt started talking me through the differences between constructivist epistemology and logical positivism, I thought, hell, that’s the man for me,” said Bebe Hartstein of Oakmont, TX. “I sure get it now. Good old-fashioned plain talking.”

The Romney campaign also moved to clear up some other outstanding ambiguities in the candidate’s past, noting that when he had broken up with Sally Ann Wycliff in 1962, he had “loved” her but had not “been in love” with her. A further press release also clarified that when he had said that Headquarters was the best Monkees album of all time, he meant “of course excluding Head.” Lastly, Ann Romney said at an event in Pawksatopee, Ohio, that her husband’s stated weight of 185 pounds was “you know, first thing on a Friday morning in the fall, before holiday season and all that.”

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