Romney tax returns show most income from clubbing baby seals, burning American flags

19 Jul

WASHINGTON—the battle over Mitt Romney’s refusal to release his tax returns took a dramatic twist today when a leaked copy of part of Romney’s 2004 return showed that most of his income came from clubbing baby seals, burning American flags, and distributing condoms to disabled gay black Spanish-speaking teenagers.

“Now I understand Mitt’s reluctance to release a full set of returns,” said Governor Chris Christie (R—New Jersey). “We kept telling ourselves that it couldn’t be that bad. That was before I saw that Mitt owns the country’s biggest chain of combined marijuana dispensaries/erotic bakeries.”

Although the returns are incomplete, they show that in 2004 Romney derived income from a large telemarking business selling resort timeshares, several hog-waste lagoons, and a mortgage-foreclosure operation. Romney also apparently spent several weeks standing in Times Square in New York dressed as Elmo, hassling tourists for tips.

“I would have expected that Romney’s Bain-related income might have been a little bit unsavory,” said former reality-television star Sarah Palin. “I didn’t expect that he sold the voice-recognition software for customer-service centers or that he a career advisor to Lebron James.”

All in all, the only non-controversial income the Romney family received in 2004 were dividends on their stockholdings, which included Goldman Sachs, Countrywide, and Lehman Brothers.

However damaging the revelations might seem, pundits agreed that the Democrats would be unable to exploit the revelations about Romney’s sources of income. “If Obama says one word about Romney selling crystal meth to puppies,  the Republicans are going to hit him right back, pointing out that Obama used to wear a sarong and has been to a foreign country,” predicted University of Alaska Professor John Spilsway. “It will all just cancel out.”

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