Romney accuses Obama of conducting diplomacy

26 Jul

RENO—in a speech yesterday to the VFW, Mitt Romney sharply criticized President Obama, accusing him of “conducting diplomacy” and “speaking to foreign leaders.”

“I have it on good authority,” said Romney, waving a sheet of paper in the air, “that the Obama administration has on several occasions engaged in discussions with people who are not Americans. They have even at times shown flexibility and offered compromise.”

Republican disgust was quick to materialize. “If true, this is further evidence that Obama will not rest until we are all French-speaking, weird-food eating, passport-owning socialists,” said Sen. Jim DeMint (R—South Carolina). “Talking to foreigners like equals, instead of shouting at them through a megaphone to get out of the way of your Bradley AFV, is the first step towards losing what makes us American.”

Representative Louie Gohmert (R—Texas) concurred. “George Washington, who by the way owned slaves—I’m just saying—warned us against foreign entanglements. The minute we start engaging in commonsense give-and-take discussions with other countries, we are officially entangled. Everyone knows the quickest and easiest way to do these things is a shock-and-awe invasion followed by quick pacification, rebuild, and exit.”

Romney, perhaps anticipating the firestorm he was about to unleash, skipped over the most inflammatory parts of his prepared text, in which he accused Obama of showing “pragmatism and nuance” in his foreign policy. Instead, he ad-libbed a hilarious joke about a regular guy from Reno who lets his NetJets card expire, and then can’t get to an important dressage event on time.

The Obama campaign scrambled to respond. “Yes, the President does occasionally speak to foreign leaders,” admitted David Plouffe. “But he is almost always mean, and works hard to avoid making constructive suggestions.”

“Too little, too late,” said Matt Rhoade, Romney’s campaign manager. “There’s a time and a place to talk to people who don’t speak English, and that place is in a deportation hearing.”

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