In opening to the West, Kim Jong Eun to appear on “Dancing with the Stars”

29 Jul

PYONGYANG–as part of what many observers are calling a gradual opening up to the rest of the world, North Korean dictator Kim Jong Eun today announced that he would be a contestant on the next season of the show “Dancing with the Stars.”

“Our beloved leader Kim Jong Eun, supreme light of the Korean people, great teacher of the Juche ideal, fearless commander of the mighty Korean People’s Army, will be competing for the mirror-ball trophy this fall on ABC,” said state news agency KCNA. “All Yankee imperialist dogs should tremble before his nimble toes, and also check their local listings for showtimes.”

North-Korea watchers were nonplussed by the move. “Although there have been possible hints of change–the announcement of his wife’s identity, the pictures of him on a roller coaster–we all thought the next step would be a cultural exchange or something,” said Don Oberdorfer, a longtime Korean expert. “Not going head-to-head with Bristol Palin in the Lindy Hop.”

South Korean president Lee Myung-Bak, who has taken a harder line with North Korea than his predecessors, issued a statement shortly after the KCNA announcement. “Although we are still displeased with the Northern regime’s constant threats to start nuclear war and turn Seoul into a lake of fire,” read the press release, “we are still super-excited about anyone who might be able to wipe that smug look off Apolo Anton Ohno’s face.”

ABC had no comment on the record, although a senior company official speaking on the condition of anonymity said that “it was really a diversity play for us. We are pretty good on gender, ethnicity, and so on, but we haven’t had a crazy hermit megalomaniac on the show since Tom DeLay in Season 9.”

A pro-regime rally was held in Pyongyang shortly after the announcement. According to KCNA, when the news broke, more than 100,000 North Koreans flocked to the central stadium to participate in a mass demonstration to express their joy, as well as to warn ABC that they would crush their evil imperialist ways should they stick Kim Jong Eun with that hopeless leadfoot Anna Trebunskaya.

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