Tea Party leader demands action on news that Americans are being held overseas in facility called “Olympic Village”

31 Jul

CHARLESTON—With his bold declaration that “foreign judges will never control the fates of Americans,” Senator Jim DeMint (R—South Carolina) today electrified a Tea Party convention with the news that dozens of Americans were currently under the control of a supernational authority called the “IOC,” being held in a facility codenamed “Olympic Village.”

Citing an unnamed American patriot, DeMint explained that a shadowy board of international figures had a tradition of bringing Americans, and other people as well, to a purpose-built facility every four years, where they perform strange feats for the entertainment of foreigners.

“This is foreign power run amok,” said DeMint, showing photos smuggled out by Tea Party supporters from a facility he said was rumored to be “somewhere in Europe.”

Attendees at the annual Where Angels Fear to Tread conference in Charleston immediately started an online petition demanding that the federal government take immediate military action to free the American hostages “before further degrading acts are forced upon them.”

DeMint evoked cries of disgust from the crowd as he described video footage he had seen in which people are dressed in strange uniforms, forced to walk to a small flat area, and then commanded by an unseen voice to lift enormously heavy weights above their heads “until they can do no more.”

Afterwards, a witness showed pictures of Americans running frantically away from helmeted paramilitary forces following them down the road on motorcycles, and told stories of other people flinging themselves off platforms into bodies of water in their desperation to escape.

A shadowy figure known only as “the Romanian judge” is said to be behind some of the persecution, rating the efforts of the hostages. “Depending on the whims of this so-called judge,” explained DeMint, “the most successful are dressed in strange ritual gear and forced to stand on a platform—while we have no idea what happens to the losers.”

President Obama called for calm. “I have been assured that this is a harmless activity and that all of the participants are there voluntarily,” he said in a hastily-arranged press conference. “I’m sure we will be able to see them again soon.”

The administration’s response was deemed woefully insufficient by Susan Grable, chairwoman of the Camden County Militia Women’s Auxiliary. “If history has taught us anything, it’s appeasement never works,” said Grable. “And that Jesus supported strong defense and low taxes.” Grable sighed. “Mitt Romney would never have had anything to do with this.”

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