Christian conservatives fulfil religious duty by scarfing down fried chicken

2 Aug

ATLANTA—conservative family-values voters, worried about the moral decline of America in recent decades, today took the first step towards a more godly country by driving to Chick-Fil-A restaurants around the country and eating a lot of chicken.

“I don’t care if I have to finish my Chicken Caesar Cool Wrap, this Spicy Chicken Sandwich Deluxe, and these Chick-n-Strips over here,” said local resident Roy Delaney, gesturing to a mound of food on the table in front of him. “God has a plan, and that plan is for me to eat three thousand calories in one sitting.”

The national Chick-Fil-A eat-in, organized by former Governor Mike Huckabee, was in some weird way connected to the national debate over gay marriage.

“I just like to think of how proud Jesus would be if he knew that I’ve been here for four hours and am just about to finish my ninth burger,” said Elroy McElroy of Marietta, rapidly excusing himself moments later.

Some customers did see the connection between eating fast food and gay marriage. “We need to keep our kids safe,” said drive-through customer Rita Hourigan, gesturing to her three-year-old son Billy, sitting on her lap with no seatbelt. “The idea that people I don’t know could be doing something I don’t approve of is terrifying.”

Supporters of marriage equality were nonplussed by the eat-in. “I mean, it’s a chicken sandwich,” said activist Brian Silva. “Go crazy.”

The last word was left to Mike Huckabee. “If history has taught us one thing,” he said in an interview, “it’s that no one ever regrets going on television to argue against civil rights. Fifty years from now, I’m sure my grandchildren will watch a tape of this interview and be super-proud of me.”

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