Establishment Republicans scramble to demonstrate anger, irrationality

5 Aug

WASHINGTON—shaken by the recent victories of Tea Party crazies in Congressional primaries, establishment Republicans have started taking steps to show that they, too, can be crazy, self-immolating lunatics.
“Sure, six years ago I would have said that the aim of Congress is to make the lives of Americans better,” said Sen. Orrin Hatch (R—Utah), who recently fended off a tough primary challenge. “But now I’ve realized that it’s far more important to keep debating abortion and fighting to place the Ten Commandments in courtrooms.”
Others went further. “If you ask me what the proper role of government should be,” said Sen. Jerry Moran (R—Kansas), “I would say none at all, except for national defense, roads, $60 billion in ethanol subsidies, and a few pieces of absolutely critical infrastructure like the Lycopee Bus Museum and the National Corndog Research Center.”
“Mealy-mouthed moderation,” said Sen. Jim DeMint (R—South Carolina), a Tea Party favorite, when told of his colleagues’ pledges. “Any true Republican should agree with me that government shouldn’t do anything at all, but should focus exclusively on shutting itself down and handing over all functions to the private sector.” DeMint spoke as he was about to leave on a tour of “the two best countries in the world, Yemen and Somalia.”
One Republican strategist explained that he liked campaign promises with a body count “north of 10,000 or so.” Said Jonathan Neelwurst, chairman of Young Republicans for Limited Everything, “You can get there different ways. For some people, it’s ramping up the death penalty. Or you can slash spending on public health. Or promise us a war or two. I’m always interested in creative options, as long as you pile up enough stiffs.” Neelwurst went on to say that “10,000 was the nationwide average, but I’d expect more out of Texas.”
Mitt Romney, the presumptive Republican presidential nominee, echoed some of these principles. “Government should focus on defense, roads, servicing the debt, and Social Security and Medicare,” said Romney in an impromptu press conference while being chased by an angry mob overseas. “The other eleven percent of the government budget—let’s slash that sucker!”

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