NRA announces that Sikh temple massacre “does not count”

7 Aug

MILWAUKEE–the NRA today released a statement clarifying that the Sikh temple massacre that left seven people dead on the weekend does not reach the threshold which would “make it part of the national conversation or have any impact on politics.”

“I mean, let’s be honest here,” said longtime NRA executive Wayne LaPierre. “Seven people dead, one the shooter, six practically Muslims–I think we can all agree to pretty much just ignore that, right?”

According to the NRA, by declaring the shooting a nonevent, it releases politicians from the obligation of making a statement about it, and journalists can omit the shooting from year-end wrap ups. Also, the term “massacre” is officially unnecessary.

“It’s a simple formula,” explained LaPierre. “Dead Americans–I mean real Americans, of course–count for one point each. Foreigners and people who might be foreigners, like these folks, one-fifth of a point. Blacks count three-fifths. Kids count double. Less than five points is just another day at the office.”

Another NRA spokesman explained that more than twenty points is a “minor incident,” requiring forty-eight hours of coverage, and more than fifty points is a “major incident”, requiring govefoment to go through the motions of considering policy changes.

Politicians in both parties were quick to welcome the relief the NRA decision gave them. “Thank goodness I don’t have to pretend to care about those people,” said Mitt Romney during a campaign stop in Columbus, Ohio. “I’m trying to win in Arizona, for crying out loud.”

Relatives of the victims were philosophical. “I can’t say I’m too surprised,” said Murjeet Singh, nephew of 84-year-old victim Subegh Singh. “I mean, we were sort of asking for it, with our unusual names and all.”

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