Team USA fans angry that Chinese medallists not “scary-looking”; demand return to Soviet rivalry

9 Aug

LONDON—as the 2012 Olympic games continued, organizers found themselves under siege from angry American fans protesting that China’s team, their closest rival in the medal count, was “not intimidating enough” for their tastes, and demanding that the Soviet bloc be reconstituted “to really get everyone fired up.”

“In the good old days, the Russkies would put forward 300-pound guys with names like Ivan and Boris—and that was just in the sprinting,” said Johnny Criltins, chairman of Americans For Pointless Nationalism. “The East German ‘women’? Totally awesome.”

Criltins and his associates at AFPN complained that the Chinese athletes “are just too cute and non-threatening,” making it difficult to invest the Olympics with completely unwarranted geopolitical significance.

“The top Soviet events in 1988? Wrestling, weightlifting, and shooting,” said Beth Torpel, president of the lobbying group Xenophobia Now. “I mean, you can practically see them going house-to-house in Omaha. But China’s big three this year? Diving, badminton, and table tennis.” Torpel snorted dismissively. “How can I hate a country for table tennis?”

Making matters worse, said Torpel, even Chinese athletes in power sports such as weightlifting “are just too little and not mean-looking enough.” Added Torpel, “I mean, I saw photos of Kang Yue. Sure, she’s lifting a bar that weighs more than my husband Harold, and Harold is a guy who doesn’t mind a second dessert, if you know what I mean. But she looks friendly and you wouldn’t even notice her if she were a waitress at a sushi restaurant, which is really the only time I see Chinese or other European people.”

AFPN’s Criltins is trying to generate support for his proposal to reconstitute the Soviet Union in order to give the United States a target for pointless antipathy. “Russia has 12 gold medals,” he explained. “But add Kazakhstan—which it turns out is a real country—Belarus, and Ukraine, and you’re back up to 24.” Criltins later shared his view that even that total was insufficient, so he suggested adding neighboring Australia to get the medal tallies comparable to the US.

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