Romney picks Hall of Fame pitcher Paul Ryan as running mate

11 Aug

BOSTON—in another of the unconventional, audacious moves that are becoming his hallmark, Mitt Romney today announced that he was planning to pick baseball’s all-time strikeout leader, Paul Ryan, as his running mate in November.

“Five thousand strikeouts? Seven no-hitters? More than three hundred wins? I’ll take that kind of performance any day of the week, whether on the pitcher’s mound or in the White House,” said Romney at a press conference to announce his choice.

Paul Ryan was not present at the press conference, choosing instead to remain in Dallas, where he is president of the Texas Rangers team. A statement later released by his office stated that he was eager to serve however he could.

Best known for his blistering fastball, Paul Ryan spent more than twenty-five years pitching in the major leagues, going to the All-Star Game eight times and setting numerous records. He is the only player to have his number retired by three different teams.

There was a rare moment of levity when a junior reporter for the Madison Daily Bugle asked if perhaps Romney had meant to pick Nolan Ryan, the chairman of the House Budget Committee.

“No, no,” said Romney, waving his hands and smiling as the room erupted in laughter. “Pick a right-wing ideologue with a plan to gut Social Security and no experience actually doing anything? What, you think I want to hand this election to the Democrats?”

As usual, the Obama campaign was left on the defensive by Romney’s bold choice. “What, he picked the baseball Ryan?” said David Plouffe, visibly surprised. “We were hoping for the congressman—that would have been like a pinata at an eight-year-old’s birthday party.”

Later in the day, the Obama campaign released a photo of a sixteen-year-old Joe Biden playing shortstop for the Archmere Warriors. “See, we’ve got one, too,” said a spokesman.

One Response to “Romney picks Hall of Fame pitcher Paul Ryan as running mate”

  1. hoboduke August 11, 2012 at 9:49 am #

    Romney can probably throw a decent fast ball as well. Did enjoy Obama at all star game lobbing out his lollipop toss. Obama don’t know hardball. He’s about to find out.


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