Paul Ryan edits budget plan “slightly” to fit with Romney platform

13 Aug

KENOSHA–two days after joining the Republican ticket, Paul Ryan has released a slightly updated version of his controversial budget plan, designed to mesh more easily with Mitt Romney’s policies to date.

The most obvious change is that instead of abolishing Medicare and replacing it with a series of block grants to the states, Ryan is now calling for all seniors to be offered a zero-deductible comprehensive health plan with free prescription drugs and weekly house calls, all of which “we can deliver at half the cost of what Medicare spends today.”

While Ryan reconfirmed his intention to phase out Social Security, the start date for the transition to a series of privatized savings accounts has been pushed back from 2017 to the year 2850, with an option to delay implementation for a further three to five years if economic conditions require it.

“Mitt Romney has really helped me sharpen up this plan, and I think we’ve got something now that is even more effective and realistic,” said Paul Ryan to a crowd of several hundred Republican supporters. “By reducing government waste and closing loopholes, we can actually balance the budget while slashing taxes 95%. I’m grateful to Mitt for all his assistance in thinking through creative options to avoid having to make any difficult choices whatsoever.”

Independent budget experts expressed skepticism at some elements of the plan, such as the assumption that the Federal Government wins PowerBall six times in the first year, or the belief that a peaceful alien named Tazoo will visit Earth in 2014, bringing us advanced technology that will provide a limitless supply of free, clean energy.

Ryan was dismissive of such criticism. “America’s greatness is founded on optimism, and when Obama argues that China isn’t going to hire all o

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One Response to “Paul Ryan edits budget plan “slightly” to fit with Romney platform”

  1. ccsummer August 13, 2012 at 11:31 pm #

    Thanks so much. My first real laugh today and I needed it. Count me a fan.

    Like

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