Tea Party excited that as VP, Paul Ryan would be able to represent US at funerals, meet with 4-H clubs

15 Aug

ATLANTA—attendees at a Tea Party convention here today were bubbling over with excitement knowing that if the Romney ticket wins in November, Paul Ryan will have a fancy office in the US Naval Observatory, frequently visit elementary schools, meet with heads of state from minor countries, and fulfil other ceremonial duties that the president has no interest in.

“I cringe every time I see Joe Biden on a meaningless trip Miami to make empty promises to the Cuban-American community,” said Dorothy Binswill, eating a doughnut while decked out in several hundred American flags. “If anyone’s going to make empty promises to the Cuban-American community, I want it to be a true conservative.” Asked if she expected Ryan to have any influence over a Romney administration, she shook her head. “Of course not,” she said. “But I like the pointless gesture of putting him on the ticket.”

“It’s an important job,” said Dave Schwerbach, who owns a local lawn-supply store. “A Vice President Ryan would do a far better job of receiving delegations of high-school students and attending sporting events with the Foreign Minister of Romania. That’s why I’m redoubling my commitment to the Republican ticket in November.”

As usual, the Obama campaign was left on the defensive.

“Joe Biden knows all the words to our national anthem, and he can smile for forty or fifty minutes straight while watching kids sing Christmas carols,” said David Plouffe. “How is Paul Ryan any better?”

The people at the Atlanta Cut Taxes Now rally had a ready answer to the question. “Paul Ryan is fully prepared to go to dozens of crummy little countries where no US national interests are at stake,” said Ann Barglin, holding up an anti-Obama poster that she probably did not realize was deeply racist. “And when National Bus Appreciation Day runs around, who’s going to give the best speech? Paul Ryan, that’s who.”

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