Todd Akin has headache; bangs hole in own skull with rock

20 Aug

KANSAS CITY–after complaining of a splitting headache for several hours, Todd Akin took advantage of what he called “the latest in medical knowledge” and used a sharp rock to bang a hole in his own skull in order to release any demons that might be within.

“Look, I don’t get what the big deal is,” said Akin, speaking from his bed at Columbia Presbyterian Hospital, where he had several leeches applied to his leg to relieve excess blood flow. “Everyone knows that this is the way you deal with a headache.”

Fresh off his controversial statement that rape victims’ bodies are somehow able to prevent impregnation, Akin sought to defuse any hurt feelings. “I have had a nagging cough, so I’ve been drinking gallons of Mrs. Phlox’s Patent Medicine,” he explained. “It makes me a little bit unsteady sometimes.”

Akin, keen to show that he is sensitive to concerns about health, released his own medical records shortly after his press conference. They show that he has received regular treatment from his barber/surgeon going back several years, including multiple bloodlettings, electric stimulation for weight loss, and a partial lobotomy to “relieve moodiness.”

Akin has always been a promoter of a healthy, natural lifestyle, part of the reason he has criticized any public provision of medical treatment. “Look, going to an apothecary once in a while is really all you need,” he said last year to a group of high-schoolers, after warning them that toilet seats could make them pregnant. “Me, I take a little bit of cocaine-based cough syrup, and that’s about it.”

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