Undecided voter, long thought extinct, spotted in Ohio

20 Aug

LISTON, OHIO–black-and-white photographs from the late 19th century show tens of thousands of undecided voters migrating across the fields outside of this small Ohio town on the banks of the Cuyahoga River. However,  after World War I, field operatives canvassed them into oblivion. The last confirmed sighting of an undecided voter, when Bebe Hemstrich stood motionless for several minutes before finally going into the booth to pull the lever for Dwight Eisenhower.



On Saturday, however, a joint team of pollsters and zoologists confirmed that they have found a surviving undecided voter in a mobile home just outside the Liston town limits. Danny Lickspittle, 73, admits that he “just can’t make up his mind” whom to vote for in November.



“I just can’t decide,” said Mr. Lickspittle, who retired from the local John Deere dealership a few years ago. “I’m not happy with how the economy’s going, but there’s something not right with that Mitt fellow–he ain’t a regular guy.”



Recent polling of likely voters confirms that Obama and Romney each have the support of 49.7% of the electorate, with several thousand people supporting third parties and Susan Farrow of Cleveland planning to write in “Mickey Mouse” like she always does. That means the entire state of Ohio, and possibly the entire election, will come down to what Mr. Lickspittle decides to do over the coming weeks.



Both campaigns, electrified by the announcement, immediately began retooling their platforms and advertising to try to win the sympathies of Mr. Lickspittle. Barack Obama has asked Congress to pass legislation for a National Lawnmower Amnesty, which would forgive anyone who borrowed a nice new Snapper mower from Davey Hanson across the street and then left it outside for almost a week and it got rained on twice and hasn’t been quite the same since. Mitt Romney, in the meantime, announced special new stimulus measures that would send $800 to any retired John Deere salesman who is left-handed and still drives a Chevy Nova.



Scientists were equally excited by the discovery. “Finding an undecided voter after all these years in Ohio just goes to show that Nature always has surprises in store for us,” said Professor Cynthia Laforge of OSU. “Now we have to keep looking for a female undecided voter, to keep the species going.”

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