“Illegitimate swimming” in Sea of Galilee will not cause unwanted pregnancy, experts confirm

22 Aug

WASHINGTON—Congressional Republicans breathed a sigh of relief today when a panel of medical experts confirmed that swimming naked in the Sea of Galilee was highly unlikely to cause pregnancy.

“In salt water, the body tenses up, preventing foreign material from entering,” explained Dr. C. Wilson McCormack, chair of the Congressional Panel for Scientific Nonsense. “Also, most of you are men.”

“I was only in the water for, like, 30 seconds,” said Rep. Ben Quayle (R—Arizona), a conservative freshman who joined the trip sponsored by the American Israel Educational Foundation. “I’m relieved to hear that there is no possibility of becoming pregnant.”

Quayle faces a competitive primary election next week, and some believe that the incident in Israel could come back to haunt him, given that he ran primarily on an Anti-Swimming-in-Holy-Bodies-of-Water platform.

“I mean, come on,” said his opponent, Rep. Dave Schweikert (R—Arizona). “It’s not like that’s the most difficult platform to deliver.”

Rep. Kevin Yoder (R—Kansas), who swam nude at the event, was particularly relieved to hear Dr. McCormack’s testimony. “I mean, I’m on the Values Action Team,” he explained afterwards in an interview. “I’m careful to make sure I never find out where babies come from, and, you know, I was just worried.”

The CPSN is a distinguished group of outside experts who will say anything that Congress finds it expedient to believe. In recent years, it has denied and then confirmed that cigarettes caused cancer, blamed global warming on sunspots, and recently announced that life begins before conception.

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