Ryan plan fills Medicare gap through product placement; patients to enjoy refreshing ice-cold Pepsi

23 Aug

TAMPA–in the latest iteration of his controversial Medicare plan, Paul Ryan has announced that the $716 billion in cuts he had originally planned would no longer be necessary due to an aggressive plan of product placement.

“You’ll still have all the services you enjoy today,” Ryan explained to a crowd of seniors at St. Luke’s Retirement Center. “Instead of a boring old ambulance, you’ll race to the hospital in rugged, American-made Ford Explorers. And why use insulin when you can have a delicious Mountain Dew instead?”

Ethel McWilder expressed her support in an interview after Ryan’s appearance. “I thought something was up when my Vioxx prescription had an Olive Garden coupon on the back,” she said. “But why not?”

Doctors were cautiously optimistic. “If we can avoid severe cuts to reimbursement levels, that’s fine,” said Peter Carmel, president of the American Medical Association. “But I seriously question whether we can conduct high-quality surgery with Home Depot power tools.”

Executives at major American consumer-goods companies were delighted with the range of branding opportunities presented by Ryan’s new plan. “Hopefully we don’t see the same heavy-handed regulation of product marketing as we do elsewhere,” said Jed Ricketts of Phillip Morris at the opening of the new Marlboro Wing of the Mt. Sinai Medical Center. “We see ourselves as part of the solution.”

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