Bill Clinton tests positive for steroids; retroactively stripped of two presidential terms

24 Aug

LITTLE ROCK–officials from USADA, the anti-doping agency, announced today that Bill Clinton had been stripped of his 1992 and 1996 election victories after a frozen urine sample of his from 1997 tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs.

“It’s a sad day for all of us,” said Travis Tygart, head of USADA. “This just shows how today’s win-at-all-costs culture corrupts the fabric of modern politics.”

As a result of the retroactive suspension, George H. W. Bush will be awarded a second term, and Bob Dole will be deemed to have been president from 1997 to 2001. All legislation signed by Clinton will be deemed void, and the Monica Lewinsky scandal will be “downgraded to a nasty little Page Six item.”

A Clinton spokesman expressed contrition, noting that “we regret the course of actions that led us to this point.” According to anonymous sources cited by USADA, Clinton began blood-doping during the 1994 presidential shutdown “in order to get that little extra edge” over the Republican-led Congress. Rumors had been swirling of performance-enhancing drugs ever since Clinton gained two shoe sizes and six hat sizes in his second term, and also set the single-season home-run record despite never having played baseball before.

“On the bright side,” said a source close to the family, “this means he’s eligible to run again for another two terms. And we know America would love nothing more than another eight years of Bill Clinton.”

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