Romney: I believe Obama was born in the US; is not a cross-dressing Satanist

24 Aug

TAMPA–Mitt Romney, trying to put the ongoing “birther” controversy to rest, released a statement today in which he unambiguously stated his belief that President Obama was probably born in the United States.

“Let me be clear,” said Romney in an interview on Fox News. “I believe that President Obama might well have been born in Hawaii, and probably not in a Muslim terrorist hideout in Indonesia.”

Romney went on to note that “I consider it highly unlikely that President Obama ever, or at least frequently, puts on a dress and dances the night away in front of the Lincoln Memorial.”

After Romney’s clarifying remarks themselves drew fire, his campaign released a statement intended to avoid any further misunderstandings. “We do not question Obama’s so-called citizenship, nor do we believe he is a cross-dresser,” the statement read. “We also do not think that Obama participates in sinister rituals designed to open a portal to the nether world, allowing millions of demons to flood into America and take away our guns.”

After the statement itself caused further concern, Mitt Romney spoke once more to reporters. “I’m saying this for the last time,” said Romney, visibly frustrated. “I have nothing more to say about the birth in Yemen, or wherever, nothing to say about the transvestite thing, and nothing to say about the whole is-he-a-Satanist-or-isn’t-he issue.” Romney sighed. “Also, I think we should all stop bugging the President about his tax returns.”

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