Hurricane threatens GOP convention; plague of locusts and river of blood “just a coincidence”

26 Aug

TAMPA–as Hurricane Isaac bore down on the Republican National Convention in Tampa, and plagues of frogs and locusts descended upon the city, leading Republicans denied today that there was any possible message in the simultaneous arrival of so many natural disasters.

“Crazy weather we’ve been having, huh?” said Reince Priebus, chair of the Republican National Party, on a short interview conducted while he drove to his temporary command center at the convention. As a river of blood cut across Dale Mabry Highway, he chuckled. “Obviously just a coincidence.”

Leaning on his horn to clear a homeless woman breastfeeding an infant out of his reserved parking space, Priebus explained that “I awake every morning positive that we are doing the work Jesus would want us to do.”

Dan Senor, Republican spokesman, later explained to a group of reporters that “any suggestion that God doesn’t fully support the Republican party is just calumny and slander.” A few seconds later, a hazy apparition of a bearded man in gray robes appeared floating in midair, pointing a finger at Senor and saying “Repent!”, causing Senor to smile. “Weird atmospheric conditions,” he explained.

After convention head William Harris was released from the hospital after suffering a freak lightning strike, he addressed concerns among the Republican rank-and-file. “If God would like us to change our course, I suggest He send us a sign,” he said in a closed-door speech. A moment later, when nothing had happened aside from an earthquake that dislodged a large crucifix from the wall, which would have killed Harris if he hadn’t jumped to the side, he gave a relieved sigh. “Nothing to see here, folks,” he said.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: