Medical experts ask GOP delegates to “stretch carefully” before exercising compassion

27 Aug

TAMPA–as delegates began assembling for the delayed start to the Republican national convention, doctors here asked the visitors to stretch carefully to avoid strains when attempting to show concern for the less fortunate.

“Every four years, we see some really terrible injuries,” said Dr. Harold Price, chair of the National Council of Political Medicine. “It afflicts both parties, but the worst sufferers tend to be conservative Republicans. They think they can go from slashing food stamps to acting concerned about hungry children all at once, and something just snaps.”

The risk at this year’s convention is particularly acute, said Dr. Prince, due to the high levels of feigned compassion likely to be required when Hurricane Isaac makes landfall, as well as the large numbers of Ron Paul supporters, “traditionally among the least able to pretend to care” of all Republican factions.

The risk was brought home in sobering fashion when Reince Priebus reminded convention attendees to treat protesters with respect, because “free speech is something every American is entitled to.” After finishing his introductory remarks, he was admitted to St. Luke’s Hospital in downtown Tampa, suffering from acute cognitive dissonance.

Dr. Prince offered a few tips to conventioneers. “Work up to it slowly. Don’t begin with something hard, like claiming that you respect gay people even though you disagree with their lifestyle. Instead, start by looking in the mirror and saying something you almost sort of believe, like ‘women are just as smart as men,’ or ‘a black person’s vote is worth the same as anyone else’s.’ Then proceed once you feel comfortable from there.”

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