Ryan rouses GOP faithful with his vision for America; recommends futuristic arena called “Thunderdome”

29 Aug

TAMPA–Paul Ryan roused the crowds at the Republican National Convention this evening with a stirring depiction of how America could look if he and Mitt Romney are elected in November.

“Mitt and I will sweep away the dead hand of government,” he told the adoring crowds. “In our America, bureaucracy and regulations will be abolished, and the private sector will hold sway. And bands of citizens will have the freedom to stay put, or to travel around our great country, searching for gasoline and fighting off bandits, however they see fit.”

Ryan continued with a loving description of what he saw as “the classic American town, reborn,” for several minutes of his speech. “Instead of city hall, a council of tribal elders. Instead of civil servants with badges, an ad hoc militia manning the walls. Instead of Solyndra, methane-based power controlled by two entrepreneurs jointly named Master Blaster. And instead of tax-financed sports stadiums, a privately owned and operated battle cage called ‘Thunderdome.'”

No doubt referring to the protocols around the upcoming presidential debates, Ryan then led the crowd in a chant of “Two men enter! One man leaves!”

After the speech, Democrats attempted to respond, questioning whether completely abolishing government and turning over all functions to independent warlords would in fact improve the quality of life for most Americans. But Ryan anticipated the criticism and nimbly defected it in his closing speech.

“For those who would question whether I am right, I have only this to say,” he told the crowd as it rose to its feet. “We have been saying for years that government is the problem, not the solution. And if we’ve been saying it, then it must be true, no matter how obviously absurd such a statement might be.”

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