Romney camp mollifies Ron Paul delegates with rules changes, free tinfoil hats

30 Aug

TAMPA—as the Republican National Convention prepares to close, the possibility of a last-minute disruption from unhappy Ron Paul delegates has been averted thanks to a compromise which will see changes in the 2016 delegate-allocation process and also address other key concerns of Paul supporters.

“I’m pleased to see that the Republican Party is open to maintain a vibrant grassroots movement,” said delegate Tim Buxby, chairman of Nevadans for Ron Paul. “I’m also really pleased about the tinfoil hats, which are supposed to block CIA mind-control waves way better than my lead-encased fishtank I’ve been wearing.”

The sentiment was widely shared by Ron Paul supporters throughout the convention center. “I understand that Mitt Romney has promised to sign an executive order banning fluoride on the first day of his presidency,” said Eileen Campbell of Brixton, Idaho, who had already received one of the new hats. “He’s also going to make available for licensing all the alien technology our government has received since 1947.”

While most outside commentary has focused on the technical changes to the delegate-allocation progress, which would have made it harder for insurgent candidacies to gain traction in future election cycles, Ron Paul supporters here in Tampa were more focused on the additional concessions made by the Romney camp.

“I know that President Obama reports to the Trilateral Commission, which has been controlling the price of zinc for decades,” said Arthur Kerbappel of Winston, Kentucky. “When we elect Mitt Romney president, not only will the price of zinc fall dramatically, but the Jesuit-controlled Supreme Court Justice robots will be deactivated, and their cold-fusion powerpacks repurposed to power my perpetual motion machine.”

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