Republicans and Democrats come together to agree Vladimir Putin is still a jackass

6 Sep

CHARLOTTE—in a rare and much-needed moment of bipartisanship in a contentious electoral season, politicians from across the American political spectrum put aside their squabbling for a single day in order to agree that President Vladimir Putin of Russia is still a jackass.

The show of unity was prompted by the news that Putin had staged a photo-op in which he flew an motorized hang glider south from Siberia, leading a flock of endangered cranes to their winter habitat. This follows a tradition of gratuitous summer photo-ops in which Putin has shot a whale with a crossbow and discovered ancient amphorae in the Black Sea.

“What a muppet,” said Paul Ryan, breaking out of his normally sunny disposition at a rally in Ohio. “I mean, it’s not enough to rig elections and throw a harmless girl band in jail for two years. Now the guy has to lead cranes south for the winter?” Surprising his handlers, he then cut loose with a string of profanity.

“I’m amazed that I’m saying this, but I agree with Paul,” said Nancy Pelosi. “What a blowhard.”

Even President Obama, who is normally reluctant to criticize foreign leaders openly, was caught on an open mike at the Democratic National Convention calling Putin a “jerkoff.” He apparently came to regret his choice of words, and in a conciliatory gesture, suggested that Putin could borrow Vice President Joe Biden until mid-November to serve as a press spokesman.

President Putin’s office had no comment. Today, Putin is scheduled to wrestle an alligator, parachute into enemy territory, and then seduce a beautiful Japanese spy named Katsuko.

Vladimir Putin leading cranes south for the winter

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One Response to “Republicans and Democrats come together to agree Vladimir Putin is still a jackass”

  1. The Good Greatsby September 6, 2012 at 9:00 pm #

    I hope Obama and Romney can use this consensus as a foundation for agreeing on other leaders who are jackasses.

    Like

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