Romney, seeking personal connection with voters, reinvents self as a sassy Latina woman named Frieda

7 Sep

BOSTON – faced with poll results showing that most voters do not feel they can relate to him on a personal level, Mitt Romney today announced that he would fight the rest of the campaign as a feisty Guatemalan-born waitress named Frieda.

“Look, I get it,” Romney said at a rally in Winesburg, Ohio. “Americans want a President who’s like them, who sees the world the way they do. And that’s why I’m adopting the worldview of Frieda, who busts chops all day at the Riverfront Diner, but loves getting with her girlfriends after hours for a cold beer and a good gossip.”

Surprised reporters attempted to ask several follow-up questions, but Romney held up his palm and said, “Talk to the hand, ’cause the face ain’t listening.”

The campaign issued a statement later in the day with more information about Frieda. She’s tough but fun, with a good heart, and a passion for the gold standard, lower capital-gains taxes, and block grants to the states.

Paul Ryan will henceforth become Sherwin, the fabulous gay friend who hangs out at the diner all day. Ann Romney will now be Micky, Frieda’s charming but feckless boyfriend, and Tagg Romney will become Julio, the adorable nephew who calls everyone “Señor” even though he was born in Akron.

“This is an exciting step forward for the campaign,” said Matt Rhoades. “Mitt was a great guy, but Frieda’s just a kick in the pants. You’re going to love her attitude and her hilarious one-liners.” Rhoades later went on to note that Frieda always wore at least fifteen pieces of flair.

The Democrats were clearly shaken by the news and made no attempt to hide their concern. “Look, I’d love to tell you that Americans aren’t ready for a Frieda, but I think the GOP has nailed it,” said David Plouffe. “This is a much better identity for Romney than any of the others he’s tried on. He picks up the Hispanic vote, the twenty-something vote, the diner vote. It’s going to make it tough for us.”

After deliberation, the Obama campaign stated that the President would still “just be Barack,” but that they were strongly considering reinventing Joe Biden as “Sam,” a deaf-mute recluse who lives in the Yukon and never gives speeches.

One Response to “Romney, seeking personal connection with voters, reinvents self as a sassy Latina woman named Frieda”

  1. Richard Daybell September 10, 2012 at 9:26 pm #

    This too, moving backwards.


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