Romney extends Day One pledge

10 Sep

WASHINGTON—Mitt Romney put the Obama campaign on the defensive today, extending the list of hard-hitting actions he plans to take on Day One of his presidency.

In addition to repealing Obamacare, naming China a currency manipulator, boosting domestic energy production, slashing red tape, undermining labor unions, cutting $20 billion in federal spending, reducing the corporate tax rate, and implementing a free-trade agreement with Panama, Mitt Romney has also promised to get back on the Bowflex, throw away that half-built canoe that he agreed he’s never going to finish, and pick up something healthy for dinner on the way home.

“Mitt isn’t just talk. Mitt is about action,” said Matt Rhoades, Romney’s campaign manager. “If elected President, on his first day in office he will clean out the fish tank in the basement, and will also call that guy back about the fence.”

In addition to launching a conservative realignment of American politics and finishing off a list of household chores, Mitt has also promised to spend some time tossing the pigskin around with his sons Matt, Tagg, Biff, Jonn, Dagg, Todd, Rugg, Hatt, and Mugg.

Romney has also extended his plans for his first hundred days in office, tailoring promises to several different swing states. In addition to vowing to pitch a no-hitter for the Cleveland Indians, he has pledged to make Florida less muggy in the summer. Speaking to a crowd of more than two hundred people at Michigan Stadium in Ann Arbor, Romney also promised to lead the Detroit Lions to a record fifth consecutive Super Bowl Victory.

Romney’s newfound burst of confidence has left the Democrats scrambling. In an ad hurriedly thrown together over the weekend, Barack Obama declared that if re-elected, he would finally clean the White House gutters, and would also sort through his drawers and match up all the single socks.

“It may be too little, too late,” said the editorial page of the New York Times. “Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich have already booked in a trip to the moon.”

2 Responses to “Romney extends Day One pledge”

  1. usdiogenes September 11, 2012 at 10:41 am #

    Very, very funny! I look forward to reading more about the ambitious agenda for the Romney Administration.

    If Romney agrees to cut my lawn, I’ll vote for him. President Obama only washes my car!


  2. thebestmusicyouhaveneverheard September 11, 2012 at 9:53 pm #

    I am laughing my ass off! Good stuff!


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