Americans pleasantly surprised to learn that Mitt Romney cares about 53% of them

18 Sep

COLUMBUS, Ohio—Republicans got a much-needed lift here yesterday with the news that Mitt Romney cares about 53% of all Americans, up significantly from earlier estimates of 5-10%.

“Well, of course I’m going to go out and campaign for him now,” said David Attlesbee, a junior stockbroker at the Merrill Lynch office here. “Look, I make about one hundred and fifty grand a year, which doesn’t even make me middle class. I assumed Mitt didn’t care about people like me, but I guess he does.”

“Nailed it!” said campaign manager Matt Rhoades, high-fiving donors and staff at an impromptu celebration. “Not only does Mitt show that he cares about more than half of all Americans—more than half—but he does so in front of a bunch of ethnics? What could be better?”

Democrats were despondent. “We tried everything to keep that video from getting out,” said Ben LaBolt. “We knew Romney’s caring side was probably the biggest threat we face.”

Still, Romney’s comments may create some difficulties for the campaign. “I admit, after what Mitt said about the 47 percent, we’re worried about our chances in states that are net recipients of federal spending,” said Rhoades. “This could really hurt us in the Deep South.”

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One Response to “Americans pleasantly surprised to learn that Mitt Romney cares about 53% of them”

  1. PiedType September 19, 2012 at 3:19 pm #

    This is hilarious! Love your take on Romney’s comments.

    Like

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