Romney plans to shake up campaign by hiring replacement NFL officials

24 Sep

ANCHORAGE, Alaska—acknowledging that he has lost momentum and needs to do something to regain it, Mitt Romney announced today that he would be hiring the current crop of replacement NFL referees to run his campaign and his polling, effective immediately.

“I can say with great confidence that this will literally be a game-changer,” said Romney at a press conference here at the Anchorage Hilton. “For example, my old team would never have thought to bring me here to visit Alaska—the largest state we’ve got! Just another example of the kind of creative energy I’m going to get out of these new guys.”

“I’m super-excited,” said former line official Bart McCloskey, peering through thick glasses, trying to spot the reporter interviewing him. “Mitt Romney has the ideas, the charisma, and the brownish-beige-ish blurry outline that I want in a president.”

Although the replacement NFL officials have come under criticism from football fans for blown calls and a slow pace of play, pundits predicted that they would have great success reinvigorating Romney’s presidential campaign.

“These guys are short-sighted, have poor judgement, lack authority, and don’t know what they’re doing,” said Rush Limbaugh. “That’s a big step up from Stuart Stevens.”

Although the NFL was initially disappointed to lose its replacement officials, a league spokesman said that they had been able to hire the now-unemployed former Romney campaign staff. Matt Rhoades in particular got off to a quick start, arguing that journalists were misinterpreting the game scores from last weekend, and that it was entirely possible that the Panthers would actually be ahead of the Giants once midweek polling was complete.

According to Paul Ryan, the change in personnel has already started to pay dividends for the campaign. “Last week, our internal numbers showed that we were losing in Wisconsin 48 to 45. But since these new guys have taken over, they show that we’re winning by forty percentage points.”

One Response to “Romney plans to shake up campaign by hiring replacement NFL officials”

  1. throughthechaff September 25, 2012 at 2:59 pm #

    Hi there. Following you now! In reply to your message to me: No worries, am not a raging Mitt Romney fan, quite the contrary.


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