Romney plans new path to 270 electoral votes relying on fictitious states–Oklachusetts, Mordor both in play

27 Sep

BOSTON–as polls in Ohio and Florida continue to run against them, Mitt Romney’s campaign has been mapping out alternative paths to victory that rely on new states that do not actually exist.

“We know we probably aren’t going to win Ohio,” said campaign manager Matt Rhodes. “But internal polling shows that we are eight points ahead of Obama in Oklachusetts, which has more than fifty electoral votes. And we’re also starting to see some momentum in Calisota, from the Scrooge McDuck comic books, so we’re sending Mitt to Mouseton and Spooneville over the weekend.”

Republicans endorsed the move. “Look, Obama may be winning in the real world,” said Ann Coulter. “But I don’t live in the real world, so I don’t care. And Mitt Romney is going to win seven hundred electoral votes–more than twice as many as he needs–in Mordor alone.” Coulter also noted a late-breaking wave of support for Romney in Liberty City, from the Grand Theft Auto videogames, and Rocky and Bullwinkle‘s Moosylvania.

The Obama campaign, taken by completely by surprise, scrambled to respond. “Although the race has tightened significantly in these nonexistent states, we are still confident President Obama will be re-elected in November,” said Ben LaBolt. “We still have a good shot at North Montana and Pennsltucky, and I’ve seen some hopeful polling in Louisiaska. So don’t count us out yet.”

The new strategy from the Romney camp has thrown the race into turmoil and kept the Democrats on the defensive, since they have no idea exactly which fictitious states Romney will be targeting. At Obama’s campaign headquarters in Chicago, campaign staff have been staying up late watching old episodes of South Park and The Simpsons, hoping to determine where the GOP could strike next.

“We’re going to win this thing,” said a smiling Mitt Romney, greeting a standing-room-only crowd in the electoral-vote-rich state of Southern Nebraska. “And it’s thanks to fine folks like yourselves, and the people I saw yesterday in Kreplakistan, where I’ve already given every household a brand new pony.”

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