Campaigns prepare for presidential debate; innovative new “physical challenge” option replaces follow-up questions

1 Oct

DENVER—as the presidential campaign moves into the home stretch, both candidates are working hard to prepare for the first debate to be held here on Wednesday. Shaking up the traditional format, moderator Jim Lehrer has announced that candidates will have the option to forego follow-up questions by undergoing a physical challenge, as seen on the old Nickelodeon kids’ game show Double Dare. Lehrer explained that the physical-challenge option had first been suggested by George W. Bush, but that the constructing of an enormous replica nose for the contestants to climb through had taken too long to be ready until this year.

Mitt Romney, who has been in monastic seclusion for the last eight months preparing for the debates, pronounced himself ready. “The Slime Slide, Pie in the Pants, Slopstacle Course—I can do them all.” Campaign manager Matt Rhoades also noted that Romney had perfected his confident stride onto the stage and was finishing up his alpha-male-handshake prep. “If we have time left over, we’ll do some practice questions,” said Rhoades.

President Obama’s team admitted that he had not had enough time on the Slopstacle Course in particular. “Look, he’s been fundraising, he’s been campaigning, he’s barely had time for the Goo Tunnel,” said Ben LaBolt. “Imagine if he’d had to go any governing over the last few weeks—it would be impossible.”

Sources say that both campaigns are pleased with new, increasingly childish debate tactics. “If the going gets tough,” said an Obama aide, “the president is just going to start repeating everything Mitt says, but in a high-pitched whiny voice.” Similarly, the Republican camp let it be known that if the moderator asks tough questions about tax policy or health care, Romney will stick his fingers in his ears and sing “I can’t hear you!”

While both sides profess confidence, the Obama team has let slip that they have a secret weapon that may make all of the preparation moot. “This debate may not even happen. Before the debate starts, the president’s going to walk up to the governor and ask him if he has the time,” explained an aide. “The last time a black man did that to Romney, he darted across the street and ran to his car.”

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One Response to “Campaigns prepare for presidential debate; innovative new “physical challenge” option replaces follow-up questions”

  1. hergayagenda October 4, 2012 at 2:04 pm #

    If they go over their allotted time limit (like all of last night)- SLIMED!

    Like

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