Campaigns, journalists reach agreement on debate outcomes

15 Oct

HEMPSTEAD, New York—the country breathed a sigh of relief today as the Romney and Obama campaigns reached an agreement with the media on the storyline of Tuesday’s presidential debate. The negotiations averted a situation which, if left unchecked, could have required voters to assess and evaluate the performances of both candidates on their own.

According to Janet Brown, Executive Director of the Commission on Presidential Debates, most news outlets will agree that President Obama “did what he had to do,” showing more energy and aggression than in the first debate, while Mitt Romney “was able to look presidential and present a credible alternative.” Both men will have three “zingers” that will be widely quoted. Instant polls will pronounce the debate a tie, a conclusion which will then be confirmed by conventional wisdom in the coming days.

Both camps continue their debate preparations. According to sources, Mitt Romney looked for examples of government spending even more intimidating than Big Bird, while President Obama test-drove a specially-designed pair of pants that give him electric shocks every two minutes to keep him awake.

In other news, the Republican campaign announced that Mitt Romney would be unavailable to appear on The View. The announcement was met with derision from the Obama campaign. “What’s he doing instead, meeting with world leaders?” asked Stephanie Cutter.

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