Mitt Romney relieved to be losing again

19 Oct

MIAMI–after this week’s presidential debate and his subsequent slide in the polls, Mitt Romney today told a rally here that he was “delighted” to be losing again, and hoped to finish the race with a “solid 45, 46 percent or so.”

“Look, it was exciting when the race tightened,” Romney explained to the cheering crowd. “But you and I both know that my platform was just a bunch of made-up crap, and I was terrified that I might have to actually, you know, do some of it. A graceful loss will be much better.”

Travelling through Ohio, Paul Ryan echoed Romney’s sentiments and made the surprising admission that he had already absentee-voted for Obama. “Look, campaigning is fun and all,” he explained. “But I’d rather go back to Congress and throw bombs from the sideline until 2016. Or maybe shoot a moose on my own reality show. Excited either way.”

Romney’s speech fired up his campaign staff, who vowed to write “the best darn concession speech you’ve ever heard,” one that they promised “will have the election-night crowd in Boston on its feet.” Said campaign manager Matt Rhoades, “if we play our cards right on this one, the advance on my tell-all memoir of the campaign could reach two-fifty, even three-hundred thousand.”

Upon hearing that Romney and Ryan were planning to be defeated, Newt Gingrich and Rick Perry immediately began forming plans to drop out of the 2016 Republican primaries.

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