Americans to decide future of the Republic based on awkward sentence construction in debate

22 Oct

BOCA RATON, Florida—as Barack Obama and Mitt Romney prepare for their third and final debate here tonight, voters across the country are preparing to make their final decisions based on whether the candidates phrase their answers awkwardly or show disaffected body language.

Although some voters expressed interest in the policies of the two candidates, or their perceived competence in managing the administration, or their ability to work with Congress, these all take a backseat to whether a candidate says something that sounds a little odd, or smiles too little or too much.

“I believe a Republican victory would lead to the complete economic collapse of America and destroy our national security,” said Ariel Hutchins of Dayton, Ohio. “But if Obama makes the wrong amount of eye contact with Mitt Romney, or his expression isn’t quite right, then I’m switching sides. Enough is enough.”

Most Romney supporters similarly agreed that if their candidate used another strange phrase like “binders full of women” or talked about Big Bird, they would throw him under the bus and vote Democrat.

“It’s a real shame that we are so focused on these essentially meaningless stage performances that we call debates,” said CNN anchor Anderson Cooper. “I’d like to see voters making decisions based on more important criteria, such as the ability of candidates to suck up to wealthy donors and to hire talented marketing staff. That’s the approach that has gotten us such great presidents over the last several decades.”

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