Tea Party members reject hurricane rescues on ideological grounds

31 Oct

ATLANTIC CITY—in keeping with their avowed anti-government stance, right-wing activists endangered by Hurricane Sandy have been almost unanimously rejecting the efforts of taxpayer-supported search-and-rescue teams that are trying to help them.

“No thank you!” shouted Dolores Vandermeer to the Newark ambulance crew working to free her from beneath the tree that had shattered her leg. “Last year I said government isn’t the solution to anything. What am I, a hypocrite?”

John Rottmeyer voiced similar views as he stood on the roof of his car, surrounded by floodwaters here in Atlantic City. “We need a free-market solution to this,” he yelled, waving off a Coast Guard helicopter that was prepared to winch him to safety. “The private sector should provide disaster rescue insurance, and I as a rational consumer will take it out, and we can get rid of these faceless bureaucrats,” he explained, pointing towards the four people risking their lives to help him.

In a post-hurricane rant on Fox, Ann Coulter reinforced the notion that government should get out of the way. “If we didn’t have Washington getting in our way, private citizens would come together and agree on a solution that worked for everyone, and then organize to put it in place.” When it was explained to her that that was what government was, she looked nonplussed. “Then it needs more flags,” she said.

Mitt Romney, who last year declared that FEMA was a waste of taxpayer money and should be abolished, today clarified his statement, explaining that he had been misquoted. “What I was actually saying was ‘I love America,’” announced Romney.

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