Romney campaign ahead on 14 of 16 KPIs; “only lagging in popular and electoral vote”

2 Nov

BOSTON—the increasingly confident Romney campaign today released a statement noting that it was ahead on 14 of the 16 key performance indicators it tracks to measure its own effectiveness.

“We are way ahead of our targets on contributions, volunteers, yard signs, campaign stops, you name it,” said campaign manager Matt Rhoades. “We’re doing far better than I could have hoped. The only places where we’re coming up short are in, you know, the popular vote and the electoral college. But everything else is great.”

By way of contrast, Rhoades noted that their scorecard shows Obama performing well on only two of the ten measures they track: “Endorsements by obese Republican governors” and “Likelihood of winning the election.” Said Rhoades, “on everything else, they’re nowhere near where they should be by now.”

Rhoades was dismissive of arguments that ultimately winning the election was the only measure that actually mattered. “That’s old-school, government-centric thinking,” he explained. “Mitt Romney’s a businessman, and these are the tools businesses use to measure success.”

Among the measures where the campaign was particularly strong included “Candidate alliteration,” “Number of crazy billionaires on board,” and “Executive hair.”

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