Confident Romney assures crowd he will beat the spread and “lose by only a point or two”

5 Nov

ALTOONA, Pennsylvania—on a surprise visit to blue-leaning Pennsylvania, a newly emboldened Mitt Romney confidently told a rally here today that “we’re going to beat the point spread.”

“On Tuesday, Paul Ryan and I are going to receive between forty-eight and forty-nine percent of the popular vote,” the candidate told the cheering crowd. “And I promise you that we will get as many as 240 electoral votes.”

Romney’s confident assertion that he will lose by as little as one or two percentage points has breathed new vigor into the Republican campaign and caused nervousness in office pools and among bookies across the nation. “If he pulls this off, it’ll be the greatest performance since Gerald Ford barely lost to Carter in 1976,” said one pundit.

In a conference call with reporters, advisor Matt Rhoades was bragging about the campaign’s performance to date. “If you handicap this thing for Mitt’s baggage and inherent unlikeability, we’re way ahead of where we should be,” he boasted. “And if the Republican Party wasn’t focused on rape, gay conversion therapy, the wholesale rejection of government, and the gold standard, we might even be ahead.”

Mike Leavitt, who has been heading up Romney’s transition team, told reporters he was looking forward to the election, after which he will go back to his job at the car wash.

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