Future of America depends on whether this one guy from Cleveland gets around to voting

6 Nov

CLEVELAND—as millions of Americans go the polls today, experts agree that the election will likely come down to whether Dave Brubecker from suburban Cleveland bothers to vote.

“We’ve run thousands of simulations, and each time it just comes down to whether Dave is actually going to swing by Lincoln Elementary School and wait in line for a while,” said Nate Silver of fivethirtyeight.com.

Sources close to the family say that Brubecker, a registered Democrat who told his wife Mary Jane that he would vote for Barack Obama “if I get around to it,” was thinking of stopping at the polls on the way to his work at the State Farm office here, but didn’t get up in time.  The same sources now confirm that he might go to lunch at Chili’s, which is close to Lincoln Elementary, and vote afterwards, except if Jim from Accounting comes along, “he’ll probably want to get wings and apps,” in which case he won’t have time.

In other Ohio election news, Governor John Kasich (Rep) denied that a last-minute state ordinance requiring voters to bowl a 200+ game as proof of residency was “in any way intended to suppress turnout.”

With campaigning largely over, Republicans and Democrats began mobilizing lawyers for the possibility that the election might end up in court. If it does, independent experts predicted that the most likely outcome would be for Obama to keep custody of the presidency, with Romney receiving visits on Wednesdays and alternate weekends.

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