FBI excited to catch someone, even if it’s only Dave Petraeus

11 Nov

WASHINGTON–after almost a decade in which it failed to catch anyone doing anything, the Federal Bureau of Investigation triumphantly announced that it had caught  David Petraeus, the highly respected head of the Central Intelligence Agency, having an affair.

“Sure, we didn’t notice when Al Qaeda enrolled in flight school, or the shoe bomber, or any of the last dozen hate crimes, but, man, we sure made up for it today,” said Robert S. Mueller III, Director of the FBI. “Let this be a warning: if you’re a highly competent American official, and you aren’t committing a serious crime–then the FBI has you in its sights.”

Many questioned whether forcing out Petraeus, who has won broad acclaim for his role first in the Iraq war and then at the CIA, would actually improve national security, but Mueller made a convincing case. “We were investigating something else, and we stumbled on this, and we just thought, you know, why not?” he explained. “I think we can all agree that America is at its finest when persecuting government officials for sexual indiscretions that have no broader ramifications.”

Mueller hastened to add that the FBI was not content to rest on its laurels. “We will pursue wrongdoing whenever evidence randomly falls in our lap,” he vowed. “I hear that Joe Biden has illegal downloads of the complete Justin Bieber catalog on his iPod.”

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One Response to “FBI excited to catch someone, even if it’s only Dave Petraeus”

  1. Anonymous November 12, 2012 at 8:45 am #

    FWIW, Adultery is in fact a crime under the UCMJ.

    Like

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