FBI: Navy SEALs had bootleg of “Call Me Maybe” on Bin Laden raid

16 Nov

WASHINGTON—fresh off its success in driving CIA Director Dave Petraeus out of office, the FBI today announced that it was investigating several of the Navy SEALs involved in the killing of Osama Bin Laden, noting that it had “credible evidence” that several of them had illegally downloaded copies of Adele’s hit single “Call Me Maybe.”

“No one is above the law,” said FBI Director Robert S. Mueller at a press conference. “No matter how infectious the melody, toe-tapping the rhythm, or totally hot the music video, all Americans must obey copyright.”

Mueller said that he anticipated “largely disbanding” sections of the SEALs in response to the infraction. “Ideally, we will be able to take out a big chunk of the military,” he said. “We’re also looking into some fighter pilots who may have bought fake Rolexes on eBay.”

The FBI also announced that it was bringing criminal charges against John Hemming, the New York firefighter who lost both his legs on September 11, 2001, after rushing into the World Trade Center to rescue trapped survivors. “Look, when Taco Bell says no refills, they mean no refills,” said Mueller. “What, you think the guy gets a free pass at the soda machine just because he’s in a wheelchair?”

Mueller added that he hoped to have good news in an additional set of investigations soon, noting that he had pulled several dozen agents off the terrorism and child-abduction squads to investigate rumors of late-night parties at Walter Reed hospital.

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