Hostess ceases production; America’s obesity lead seen as under threat

17 Nov

IRVING, Texas–Hostess, maker of Twinkies, Ho-Hos, and Ding Dongs, announced yesterday that it had ceased production, leading to warnings that America’s standing as the world’s fattest nation could be under threat.

“This administration’s obesity policy has collapsed,” said Rush Limbaugh. “We have squandered a century-old advantage and are at the mercy of emerging fat powers like India and China.”

As if to underscore the changing of the international BMI pecking order, China’s Shenzen Baking and Cement Company today announced that it was beginning mass production of a fourteen-inch donut that packs over twelve thousand calories. “Our all-new Number One Lucky Jade Golden Dragon Happy Donut will enable China to join the ranks of plus-size superpowers,” announced SBCC’s President, Wen Cai.

President Obama, on the defensive, denied that the bankruptcy of Hostess marked a turning point in America’s fat competitiveness. “We have a long tradition of overeating without anyone’s help,” he said, buttering a piece of bacon and popping it in his mouth. “We’ll make our own junk food.”

Republicans scoffed. “Sure, I’ll just grab the partially hydrogenated vegetable oil and the maltodextrin out of the cupboard,” scoffed Newt Gingrinch. “This President has proven he knows nothing about what it takes to be fat.”

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2 Responses to “Hostess ceases production; America’s obesity lead seen as under threat”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Hostess Brand | food: digested - November 20, 2012

    […] The news set off two separate reactions among the public: 1) Hostess enthusiasts and non-enthusiasts alike ran for store shelves to purchase what may be their last Twinkies,  to one day put it up for sale on eBay (possibly even in the same condition) for thousands of dollars, and 2) early celebrations for the end of an obesity epidemic. […]

    Like

  2. Hold Your Applause: Shutting Down the Hostess Brand Won’t Cure Obesity | food: digested - November 20, 2012

    […] The news set off two separate reactions among the public: 1) Hostess enthusiasts and non-enthusiasts alike ran for store shelves to purchase what may be their last Twinkies,  to one day put it up for sale on eBay (possibly even in the same condition) for thousands of dollars, and 2) early celebrations for the end of an obesity epidemic. […]

    Like

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