East German secret police not only tortured political prisoners, but forced them to build IKEA furniture

20 Nov

BERLIN—in a revelation that shocked Europe, old files from the East German secret police have revealed that they not only tortured political prisoners, but forced them to build IKEA furniture

“The electric shocks and waterboarding were bad,” said Dieter Hammerkopf, a pastor in the underground Christian church who spent seven years in a labor camp. “But then I had to assemble sixty Billy bookcases for the prison library.” He grimaced. “I still get traumatic flashbacks when I see a hex key.”

IKEA apologized for using political prisoners in its factories earlier this week, but it has only now come to light that the prisoners had to assemble the furniture as well as build the component pieces.

“This is outrageous,” said John Millison, chair of the International Human Rights Commission, after watching a video of the Hammerkopf video. “Slave labor and torture are bad enough, but if they had to assemble Poangs—it goes beyond the pale.” Millison then looked thoughtful for a moment. “Although if that guy wanted to stop by and help me with this Expedit I’m struggling with, I sure wouldn’t mind,” he added.

In a sign that the scandal could widen further, North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un was recently filmed sitting on an Ektorp sofabed. “I bet there’s a dark story behind that,” said Millison.

IKEA agreed to donate ten thousand dollars to a research organization as reparations. Former prisoners will also be given a brightly-colored egg timer and a toilet brush, and will receive free meatballs on their birthday.

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