State Department says most recent dead Syrians not as interesting as first dead Syrians

26 Nov

WASHINGTON—Secretary of State Hillary Clinton today announced that the nation really wasn’t that interested in the most recent civilian victims in the Syrian civil war.

“At first, a couple dozen dead villagers felt like a big deal,” explained Clinton at a press conference here. “But now? It just all has a certain sameness to it, you know?”

Later, the State Department released a chart showing that the importance of a single dead Syrian had declined from more than 160 microkids at the start of the uprising to less than 40 microkids today (one microkid is one-millionth of the amount of national attention and concern that would be generated if a photogenic blonde girl from the Midwest died).

Clinton went on to explain that the State Department “would still be carefully monitoring the situation.” In response to questions, she clarified that she meant that the US wasn’t going to do anything.

“If something changes and we get back to 100, 150 microkids, then we’ll adjust accordingly,” said the Secretary.

In response to the announcement, a coalition of human-rights organizations announced a fundraising drive to identify Syrian children in danger zones, pick the most attractive, and dress them in cute preppy clothes. “Traditional lobbying rarely saves lives,” said a spokesman for the International Rescue Committee. “But a few dozen Gap gift cards might.”

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