Conservative Republicans, disappointed by narrow election loss, begin planning for much wider loss in 2016

28 Nov

WASHINGTON—disappointed by Mitt Romney’s narrow defeat in the presidential election, conservative Republicans from around the country have already begun planning for 2016, with the hopes of losing by a much greater margin.

“I’ll say it again: America is going down the toilet, and the American electorate is crazy and stupid,” said Rep. Trent Franks (R—AZ). “For Mitt Romney to win the votes of 48% of those people shows that his policies were grievously flawed. I’d like to see our next nominee land in the low forties, maybe high thirties.”

Sen. Lindsay Graham (R—SC) agreed. “We’ve done a good job of alienating ladies, colored folks, and Sodomites. But Romney was way too acceptable to working-class voters and Wall Street. The party needs to take a sharp right turn, and quickly.”

At a meeting of the Republican Governors Association in Las Vegas, speakers consistently reiterated the necessity to maintain ideological purity in order to ensure that angry middle-aged straight white middle-class men in the South continue to turn out in high numbers. “Remember, folks: creationism, the gold standard, life begins at conception, deportation, and no civil rights,” said Gov. Rob Bentley (R—AL). “Don’t give them an inch.”

Jockeying has already begun among the party’s leaders, as several governors and senators position themselves to lose in 2016. The first test will come over the coming months as hopefuls move through the conservative conference circuit. The second test will come next May on a special edition of the ABC obstacle-course game show “Wipeout.”

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