France’s proud tradition of public urination and drunk driving under threat as Gerard Depardieu emigrates

18 Dec

PARIS—anxiety mounted over France’s slipping competitiveness in bad behavior as leading international boor Gerard Depardieu announced his intention to move to Belgium.

“First Dominique Strauss-Kahn goes to ground, then they lose Depardieu—you have to wonder if France still cares about its tradition of obnoxious alcoholics,” said leading cultural historian Robert Darnton. “It’s hard to see where the next generation of sex scandals is going to come from.”

Culture Minister Aurelie Filipetti put a brave face on the news at a hastily assembled press conference. “Of course, France still has a number of boors whose names will be instantly familiar to an international audience,” said Filipetti. “I mean, there’s Jean Reno…although he’s kind of a nice guy…and that guy from Green Card—no, wait, I guess that’s Gerard—and…um…”

President Francois Hollande subsequently announced a crash program to “develop a new cohort of jackasses.” Key elements of the program will include exchange programs to UK soccer matches and, for the especially gifted, a Tea-Party-backed primary challenge to an incumbent Republican congressman.

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